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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Autumn Leavesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: FarFromSanityy
    ASL Info:    15/F/look behind youuu.
    Elite Ratio:    2.8 - 52/76/34
    Words: 222
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Depressed
    Total Views: 768
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1290



    Description:
       Lengthy, I know. sorrryyyy >_<
    Trust me to take something as simple and trivial as a leaf and turn it into something complicated, hahah.
    kay, so we all know that leafs can't feel or think. I know. take it as personification if you will, obviously. I guess the leaf represents me at the moment. I didn't wanna write something cliché like I usually do.
    So, I appreciate comments.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAutumn Leavesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's like I'm a single crisp, greenish brown Autumn leaf floating down the street, not exactly certain where it's destined to wind up. Sure, it's enjoying its careless stroll, going wherever the wind carries it. But its subconscious is constantly sending it disturbing reminders. For now it's flying past every little thing in its way. Cars, stray animals, the rain, everything. But somehow, it knows. It knows that eventually the wind will stop. Subconsciously it fears the future, it knows that when the wind refuses to gain its speed again, the leaf will end up alone, trapped in a gutter somewhere, or something along those lines. The leaf is too busy enjoying its journey through the chilly autumn wind to think about such inconveniences. But suddenly, just as the leaf feared in the back of its mind, the brisk Autumn wind turns to the harsh Winter call. The leaf is blown away into the gutters and sewers of a foreign area. No longer being blown by the cool breeze of the Fall, but alone under the cold streets and waste facilities. The fear was always there, the leaf just refused, no, was afraid to think such things, and it took something like this to realize and come clean with its true fears.
    Alone and frozen, the leaf dissolves and is no more.




    Submitted on 2007-09-06 21:46:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Oops, Raven the title to the poem I referred to is "Falling Leaves", and not Autumn Leaves!
    | Posted on 2007-09-07 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      Raven, this story shows imagination and talent on your part, and is a delightful verse and story item. Curiously enough, I have a poem with this exact same title at my page that you might want to check out (it was posted several months ago, so is down a ways on the list of poems)! You have a developing talent that is remarkable!
    | Posted on 2007-09-07 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      your title should be 'autumn leaves'



    It's like I'm a single crisp, greenish brown Autumn leaf floating down the street, not exactly certain where it's destined to wind up.

    i think, because you are saying 'it's like im a leaf', that the end of the thought should be 'not exactly certain where i'm destined to wind up' because you are personifying the leaf to be yourself... does that make sense? and so using 'it's' completely depersonalises the image which kinda means you are shooting yourself in the foot... i think.

    realising that you have written this whole piece with 'it's' perhaps you may want to think about presenting the first idea a little differently.

    you could write

    'it's like im a single crisp, greenish brown Autumn leaf:

    floating down the street, not exactly certain where it's destined to wind up. Sure, it's enjoying its careless stroll, going wherever the wind carries it. etc.etc.etc.'

    but i think that your continuous use of 'it/it's' is a little too repetitious and loses me because while im trying to remember that this is a personification of a leaf there is more mention of you throughout this piece to remind and reinforce the idea. and i think, because there is no further mention of you, that you stretch the mental abilities of the leaf too far making it unbelievable. i think if you find a spot or two to remind the reader and reinforce that you are comparing a leaf to your current struggle in life it will make it more believable and also easier to identify with.

    i really like the way you have almost superimposed your current life experiences over that of a leaf.
    leaves have always interested me. the way they change colour and die and fall and decompose and bud and grow and colour only to replay the cycle...

    good work.
    it is obvious you have put a lot of thought into this piece.
    | Posted on 2007-09-06 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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    149088

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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