To Be A Soldier -------------------------------------------
To be a soldier is to rise above
The daily ruts of ego and mortal love;
It is the thing which drifts with soul
To speak the every but leave untold
The ways of being and that which is
A means to convey which is no one's biz.
To be a soldier is to look life in the eye
Whether from mansion or pig's own sty
To reach out beyond as a prelude
For will to respond with rightful attitude
Where there shines one's own star
Trumping the within with measured bar.
To be a soldier is an ongoing battle
Between the quiet and denizened rattle
To gather the mind to harmonise self
Encouraging the will to look not right nor left
But to join the divide and sooth the scars
That others blame on you for playing other guitars.
To be a soldier is a walk tall thing
Bringing gifts without a bow or string
Laying them down to decisions made
For others to decide whether by love or blade
Does life demand a cadenced hymn
Sung to heroes cradling life's diadem.
As a soldier ingredient your own soup
You'll have all the chickens coming to your coop
Longing for the tale of you being you,
That's the feeling of being to yourself true;
For within your soul a soldier abides
Mounting all the waves and mastering all the tides.
In reading this, I can't help but be disappointed - there is so much more, but some minor points sort of tear apart the whole piece.
"To be a soldier is to rise above
The daily guy of ego and mortal love;"
The second line is a syllable more than the first, creating a break in the flow as soon as the second line of the first stanza!
If I were to revise this, perhaps I would choose
"The everyday ego and mortal love;"
First of all, not all soldiers are 'guys' these days, and the implication that they are - though probably unintentional - sort of subtracts from your work first and foremost.
I do love your usage of punctuation, however.
"It is the thing which drifts with soul
To speak the every but leave untold"
When I count syllables it doesn't seem right, but it flows so very nice and the message is clear and precise so I absolutely love this part, as much as it confounds me. I feel I really must offer my applause here.
"The ways of manly and that which is
A means to convey which is no one's biz."
A bit . . . how do you say . . . machoistic? I doubt I spelled that right . . . anyways. I get the point, but your wording leaves much to be desired.
"To be a soldier is to look life in the eye
Whether from mansion or pig's own sty"
Glorious! I love the wording here, it's beautiful!
"To reach out to the hither and yon
Then bring the livid into a great beyond"
Good. I'm not impressed, but it is a perfectly acceptable pair of lines.
"Where there shines one's own star
Trumping the witnin with measured bar."
I really like this one. Not in the "OMG!" sense that I liked some of your other lies with, but in a more subtle, pensive liking.
"To be a soldier is a paceful battle
Walking between the quiet and denizened rattle"
There's no flow from one line to the next. Your syllables don't match up and it seems awkward trying to say these lines, but I like the message none-the-less. I wonder if you meant 'paceful' as it is (since it isn't a word, but it makes a point besides) or if it was perhaps supposed to have been 'peaceful.'
"In gather the mind atalk with self
Encouraging the plain and admonishing the cleft"
I'm guessing there's supposed to be a space in "atalk." Either way, I still don't quite get this. There's too many breaks in grammar, and in the end it could be reworded much more masterfully.
"To join the divide and sooth the scars
Others blame for being self but playing other guitars."
Which means? And again, there is no flow here.
"To be a soldier is a walk tall thing
Bringing gifts without a bow or string"
I'm confused yet again. Your coherence seems to be deteriorating through your work.
"Laying them down to decisions made
For others to decide whether by love or blade"
Perfect - a glorious gem among a less than precious performance. I love it!
"Does life demand a cadenced hymn
Sung to heroes cradling life's diadem."
Add a question mark if you are going to ask a question. Otherwise, I like it.
The overall effect is not atrocious, but you hve some lines that are blow-your-mind awesome, and some that leave me wondering if you were drunk while writing this . . .
Er, as always, I mean no offense. I'm just presenting what I thought about your work in a blunt and honest manner. Whether you decide to use my criticism or not, I would love to hear a response from you, and perhaps a little insight on the parts that confused me?
i think this is a very touching piece you have here...i like it quite a bit, its deserving of tons of respect and admiration for someone who does this, and I personally feel that you are a very lovely writer and I think it is a courageous choice
OK, being a retired soldier I can for the most part understand this. I would like to think that we all have the same out look on being a soldier and what it means to walk that particular path.
Your write is different in that it tells a different type of dedication to being what few others will never know.
I don't know if this is tied to the military soldier or if it is a soldier in life. For me it means to be flexible and true to a cause. To live your life normal but be willing to lay it down when the call comes. This could be either as a civilian or a military person but for me life is about being a soldier.
I like the flow to this and it gives me a sense of serenity but leaves me numb at the same time.
I would like to know how you came to write this and what motivation there was for this write.
I might have missed the whole point but I would like to think that we are all soliers in some way fighting for different reasons and convictions.