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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: resort and spa for Dannydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ruejacobs
    ASL Info:    39/feminazi/Gehenna
    Elite Ratio:    4.82 - 619/473/167
    Words: 217
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 729
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1318



    Description:
       we're going in October. i haven't ever been on a vacation. this poem's a comparison of him with a previous boyfriend.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsresort and spa for Dannydots
    -------------------------------------------


    will there be an ocean
    i think that was my first question
    i thought about the possibility of floating out to sea
    a fitting poetic lurch amung the waves
    before sliding soundlessly under your raft

    what would you think of that?

    so then no water except a clear blue pool
    takes the sport out of it, i have to say

    and the rollercoasters too...
    how you held my hand on the drop down
    and as the ride malfunctioned
    you turned to me with such cheer to say
    'this must be the terror part'
    and how we laughed into Death's grin

    i could think of less pleasant ways to die, my love,
    than with your hand in mine

    one hasn't lived until they felt
    the cool steel muzzle at the base of thier skull
    there, my love, there,
    in that hollow just above the spine
    caress me there with your palm
    the bullets never were found
    there were five of them

    and my mother liked him very much

    i did not know serenity before i knew you
    you think i need to get away to find it?
    i tell you, dear, i am relaxed as a cat on the windowsill in the sun

    wherever you are, there is my vacation.




    Submitted on 2007-09-07 17:18:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey, it took me awhile to give you that comment, but here it is....

    "i could think of less pleasant ways to die, my love,
    than with your hand in mine"

    I liked that verse the best; I felt a bit of humor in it, although I'm not sure if that was your intention.

    "one hasn't lived until they felt
    the cool steel muzzle at the base of thier skull
    there, my love, there,
    in that hollow just above the spine
    caress me there with your palm
    the bullets never were found
    there were five of them

    and my mother liked him very much"

    That makes me wonder just what happened? It couldn't have been suicide because there were five bullets......? ("they" should be "they've" and "thier" should be "their", btw.)

    You said you've never been on vacation; I suppose this poem is about a person who is like a vacation himself, a break from the rest of the world, who you were content with? I think that's an interesting metaphor.

    " did not know serenity before i knew you
    you think i need to get away to find it?
    i tell you, dear, i am relaxed as a cat on the windowsill in the sun

    wherever you are, there is my vacation."

    My sister and I went on some rides at the county fair recently, and this stanza reminds me of that dreadful feeling in your stomach as it goes into your throat when the ride flips and twists:

    "and the rollercoasters too...
    how you held my hand on the drop down
    and as the ride malfunctioned
    you turned to me with such cheer to say
    'this must be the terror part'
    and how we laughed into Death's grin"

    He sounds like a fun guy.

    Well, I wish you good luck on your vacation in October.

    Jen
    | Posted on 2007-09-22 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this a lot, though I have to admit I didn't understand how the 6th stanza fit in. As usual, nice work from you. (Have you submitted anywhere yet???)

    Peace, love and all that other junk,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2007-09-08 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]


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