It's beyond annoying how certain thoughts and beliefs can get stuck in your head for days, weeks, months, sometimes even years on end...and despite your best intentions and desire to overcome said thoughts, you just can't. It is damn near impossible to leave behind a lifetime of feeling ugly, stupid, inferior to everyone and everything around you. Believe me, I've been trying. a slut). It's just how I am. I have now had a total of five partners. I had intercourse with all of them. I only went down on three. I only allowed one to go down on me. These things are intimate to me. I love everything about the act of sex, but I can only make myself that vulnerable to certain people. It's one thing to fuck. It is quite another to explore each other's bodies...to lie down and worship at the hands of your lover.
I've never believed I was pretty. In high school, the emphasis was put on my brain. My mom pushed me to make straight A's, putting in my mind that my grades were more important than anything else, and that was what I had going for me. In a way, I'm thankful for that. Your mind is more important than anything else. But one also thinks that perhaps I would not make some of the decisions that I do if I had been told at some point that I was attractive. Then, someone finding me attractive wouldn't come as such a shock, and I wouldn't feel as if I needed to do something about the given person finding me attractive before they change their minds. I've made some very hasty decisions because I could not believe that certain people would desire me. Especially, if I found them particularly desirable.
I never actually encountered desire till I was 20 years old. I met someone. He made it his goal to have me...to love me. And he awoke a part of me that I never knew existed. I turned into a creature of passion. That would have been fine, except for the fact that we did not last. I was still that same creature, but without an outlet for that passion. The thing about such a passion is that it doesn't go away. It builds and builds, until one day you explode, and shower the nearest person with heat and intensity. Being raised as I was, I could not bring myself to turn into a woman of seriously loose morals (i
It has recently come to my attention that maybe I am a little more desirable than I thought. Someone that I found incredibly sexy wanted me. We were both completely sober and completely in control of what we were doing. We barely knew each other. But the circumstances were right, and I took advantage of it. There was talk for hours, we threw words at one another, and I think somehow that's exactly what led to it...we seduced each other with our questions and our answers. We weren't even sitting physically close to one another. He brought up the idea. I accepted, and got nervous. He said he was nervous too, telling me that he had butterflies in his stomach. I thought that was amazing at the time. But, I look back at it, knowing what I know now, and think that he was playing a part for me. There was no need to do that. I wanted him anyway, and wouldn't have changed my mind.
When I touched him, he was ready. It made me feel desirable. The whole encounter was like that. Maybe it was the moon...There was sex in the air, and nothing else would have satisfied me that night. It was a good experience (though over before I would have liked). We weren't awkward afterwards. I thought everything was fine...I enjoyed myself, he enjoyed himself. Maybe I was foolish.
I've been in love. And as wonderful as it was, the pain that follows it is almost unbearable. I never want to suffer through that again. I have conditioned myself not to think romantically about someone. So, shouldn't that make things different? But, like I said, I am a creature of intense passions. So, when I find something that I enjoy doing, I want to do that at any given opportunity. And, as crude as it may sound, I enjoyed doing him. So, here's my dilemma.
If someone offers you all the sex that you could ever want...no strings attached...what makes you want to turn that down? There is no danger of me falling in love...I've taken precautions not to. My heart belongs to no one but myself now. I refuse to ever relinquish control again. I don't even want to date, for that matter. I don't want anything resembling a relationship. My only desire is to have good sex whenever I please. And now, after several failed attmpts, I have found someone that I consider very desirable. I enjoy both his company and his body. I want to fuck him...and do it often. That is all I want. A friend, whose company I enjoy, that I can fuck whenever I choose. Is there something wrong with that? I don't even ask that he not mess around with anyone else...if it doesn't interfere with me getting laid, I can share. So, what is the problem? It seems like the perfect setup for anyone...what guy would not jump at this opportunity? I'll tell you...the one I want to jump at it.
Therein lies the cause of my unhappiness and discontent these days. I'm plagued with questions. Why doesn't he want me? Was it too easy? Is the thrill of the chase gone? Is he afraid of discovery? Was it not actually good for him? Am I not attractive enough? Am I horrible in bed? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? The tiny bit of self-esteem that I had built up was shattered by his cold disinterest in me once the deed had been done.
So, now all of this has gone down, and all of my questions are unanswered. I lack the courage to ask him what's wrong with me. He'll just tell me I'm overthinking it. That he just likes to let things happen. How can one be so laid back about it? When we sat together in a room, and I asked him what his passion was, and he replied, "Sex." I don't know about anyone else, but if I consider something a passion...I want to engage in it as often as possible. I want to smother myself in it. I can never have enough. And though I have tried to put all these thoughts out of my head, I have failed. He is still in my world. And I want him. There is nothing remotely romantic about it. It is pure lust. I want to lose myself in him. I want to abandon my restrictions, lose all my inhibitions...I want to touch him, to taste him, to have the smell of his body on mine. Even at the moments when I would like nothing better than for him to disappear off the face of the earth...I still want to touch him. And that pisses me off. I have not wanted anyone in quite a long time. For me to actually desire something, instead of just doing it out of boredom or drunkenness...it's quite a stretch. And I desire him, and he does not desire me...and nothing makes me feel more insecure than that.
So, I do not know what to do. Everything is ridiculous right now...almost pointless. I see him often, and I sometimes despise the things he's said about me. But I want him all the same. He's very attractive. It's worse when I am inebriated...and he sits too close to me (which is basically just in the same room), and he speaks to me, and he looks at me with those fucking amazing eyes. I have fantasies of sliding one finger in between his waistband and his skin...of licking his stomach...of taking hours to explore every fucking inch of the body of which I am completely denied. Something has to happen, or I will self-destruct. I just don't know what to do...I can't escape him.
Why am I never enough?