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    dots Submission Name: Why Am I Never Enough?dots

    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 1401
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Venting
    Total Views: 564
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 7753

       It's not as bad as it seems...I am prone to exaggeration...it makes things more dramatic. And drama creates a desire to read...sometimes.

    So, even though it's not as bad as it sounds, it's still bad enough that it annoys the fuck out of me.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhy Am I Never Enough?dots

    It's beyond annoying how certain thoughts and beliefs can get stuck in your head for days, weeks, months, sometimes even years on end...and despite your best intentions and desire to overcome said thoughts, you just can't. It is damn near impossible to leave behind a lifetime of feeling ugly, stupid, inferior to everyone and everything around you. Believe me, I've been trying.

    I've never believed I was pretty. In high school, the emphasis was put on my brain. My mom pushed me to make straight A's, putting in my mind that my grades were more important than anything else, and that was what I had going for me. In a way, I'm thankful for that. Your mind is more important than anything else. But one also thinks that perhaps I would not make some of the decisions that I do if I had been told at some point that I was attractive. Then, someone finding me attractive wouldn't come as such a shock, and I wouldn't feel as if I needed to do something about the given person finding me attractive before they change their minds. I've made some very hasty decisions because I could not believe that certain people would desire me. Especially, if I found them particularly desirable.

    I never actually encountered desire till I was 20 years old. I met someone. He made it his goal to have me...to love me. And he awoke a part of me that I never knew existed. I turned into a creature of passion. That would have been fine, except for the fact that we did not last. I was still that same creature, but without an outlet for that passion. The thing about such a passion is that it doesn't go away. It builds and builds, until one day you explode, and shower the nearest person with heat and intensity. Being raised as I was, I could not bring myself to turn into a woman of seriously loose morals (i
    a slut). It's just how I am. I have now had a total of five partners. I had intercourse with all of them. I only went down on three. I only allowed one to go down on me. These things are intimate to me. I love everything about the act of sex, but I can only make myself that vulnerable to certain people. It's one thing to fuck. It is quite another to explore each other's bodies...to lie down and worship at the hands of your lover.

    It has recently come to my attention that maybe I am a little more desirable than I thought. Someone that I found incredibly sexy wanted me. We were both completely sober and completely in control of what we were doing. We barely knew each other. But the circumstances were right, and I took advantage of it. There was talk for hours, we threw words at one another, and I think somehow that's exactly what led to it...we seduced each other with our questions and our answers. We weren't even sitting physically close to one another. He brought up the idea. I accepted, and got nervous. He said he was nervous too, telling me that he had butterflies in his stomach. I thought that was amazing at the time. But, I look back at it, knowing what I know now, and think that he was playing a part for me. There was no need to do that. I wanted him anyway, and wouldn't have changed my mind.

    When I touched him, he was ready. It made me feel desirable. The whole encounter was like that. Maybe it was the moon...There was sex in the air, and nothing else would have satisfied me that night. It was a good experience (though over before I would have liked). We weren't awkward afterwards. I thought everything was fine...I enjoyed myself, he enjoyed himself. Maybe I was foolish.

    I've been in love. And as wonderful as it was, the pain that follows it is almost unbearable. I never want to suffer through that again. I have conditioned myself not to think romantically about someone. So, shouldn't that make things different? But, like I said, I am a creature of intense passions. So, when I find something that I enjoy doing, I want to do that at any given opportunity. And, as crude as it may sound, I enjoyed doing him. So, here's my dilemma.

    If someone offers you all the sex that you could ever want...no strings attached...what makes you want to turn that down? There is no danger of me falling in love...I've taken precautions not to. My heart belongs to no one but myself now. I refuse to ever relinquish control again. I don't even want to date, for that matter. I don't want anything resembling a relationship. My only desire is to have good sex whenever I please. And now, after several failed attmpts, I have found someone that I consider very desirable. I enjoy both his company and his body. I want to fuck him...and do it often. That is all I want. A friend, whose company I enjoy, that I can fuck whenever I choose. Is there something wrong with that? I don't even ask that he not mess around with anyone else...if it doesn't interfere with me getting laid, I can share. So, what is the problem? It seems like the perfect setup for anyone...what guy would not jump at this opportunity? I'll tell you...the one I want to jump at it.

    Therein lies the cause of my unhappiness and discontent these days. I'm plagued with questions. Why doesn't he want me? Was it too easy? Is the thrill of the chase gone? Is he afraid of discovery? Was it not actually good for him? Am I not attractive enough? Am I horrible in bed? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? The tiny bit of self-esteem that I had built up was shattered by his cold disinterest in me once the deed had been done.

    So, now all of this has gone down, and all of my questions are unanswered. I lack the courage to ask him what's wrong with me. He'll just tell me I'm overthinking it. That he just likes to let things happen. How can one be so laid back about it? When we sat together in a room, and I asked him what his passion was, and he replied, "Sex." I don't know about anyone else, but if I consider something a passion...I want to engage in it as often as possible. I want to smother myself in it. I can never have enough. And though I have tried to put all these thoughts out of my head, I have failed. He is still in my world. And I want him. There is nothing remotely romantic about it. It is pure lust. I want to lose myself in him. I want to abandon my restrictions, lose all my inhibitions...I want to touch him, to taste him, to have the smell of his body on mine. Even at the moments when I would like nothing better than for him to disappear off the face of the earth...I still want to touch him. And that pisses me off. I have not wanted anyone in quite a long time. For me to actually desire something, instead of just doing it out of boredom or drunkenness...it's quite a stretch. And I desire him, and he does not desire me...and nothing makes me feel more insecure than that.

    So, I do not know what to do. Everything is ridiculous right now...almost pointless. I see him often, and I sometimes despise the things he's said about me. But I want him all the same. He's very attractive. It's worse when I am inebriated...and he sits too close to me (which is basically just in the same room), and he speaks to me, and he looks at me with those fucking amazing eyes. I have fantasies of sliding one finger in between his waistband and his skin...of licking his stomach...of taking hours to explore every fucking inch of the body of which I am completely denied. Something has to happen, or I will self-destruct. I just don't know what to do...I can't escape him.

    Why am I never enough?

    Submitted on 2007-09-09 20:00:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Holy [censored] raivn. Wow... Some of the stuff i have read from you is so [censored] intense. it kinda feels good to know that some people have the same "problems" as I. Well, i was never considered desirable, and all thru high school, i was the ugly never wanted one. My senior year -this year-, i was wanted more than ever. It was rediculous. I almost didnt know what to do. All i wanted was sex.... to feel the overflow of emotions when one is intertwined with another. when we know there is nothing but us. nothing but a silent moment, a sigh, and the occasional *moan* I ached, I craved..... eventually I fell in love. my heart was torn in two. I was beaten broken, and torn apart at the seams. After that I felt like a no one. I thought I would never feel love again. I haven't had sex in 2 months and I feel so lonely.
    | Posted on 2007-09-24 00:00:00 | by lyonhart08 | [ Reply to This ]
      well, for starters, dear raivn, some guys are just like that...all hot and ready for you cause they havent had you before, havent been inside you, both mind and body, and once they have you they just dont feel the pull anymore, they dont want anything more than an experience
    but then, from a personal conversation i had with a mutual friend, i have been led to believe, and am quite willing to lean in the direction, that perhaps he too has had his heart broken, and is still in love with a prior partner, someone who got too close, and now maybe he wants you as much as you want him and hes running scared...this is just a personal opinion, and not even one you may want to consider....

    "He is still in my world"
    i hate to be the one who says this, because i feel that we have built a comraderie lately, but i feel like i have to be honest with you...it sounds like you are spending too much time brooding on the whys and why nots and instead of having a confidence bosting good time between friends, that if it was continued could lead to something a little bit more committed and permanent, into something you wont let go of, wont admit was just a one night stand sort of thing
    perhaps you are becoming a bit too attached to the idea of him, and perhaps, that is simply because you dont have enough to distract you from him?
    again, i am sorry, and please do not be upset about this....

    "I want to abandon my restrictions, lose all my inhibitions...I want to touch him, to taste him, to have the smell of his body on mine."
    I have felt pure and unattached lust before, and i have felt a need that arrises from emotional attraction, and a desire for more than just sex which in turn led to a cerain amount of comfort with that person, and this is definately the latter
    but if you have it, and enjoy and it, and dont want to call it anything but lust, then go for it, because that is a special and beautiful feeling and not one that you will find every time...

    Now, you are of course plenty for any one person, you just have to look for people who are closer to you in maturity and more ready to find beauty in things like complete abandon, and steady love, and spending hours in bed on a saturday just completely satisfying each other, with cuddling and kissing and touching and such
    age doesnt matter, but sometimes maturity does
    and you have to think about who these people are, what they want and just how they came to you
    if its in secret and they want it kept in the dark then they do not appreciate you to the degree that you, and any other person in the world, deserves to be appreciated

    this overall was a very nice expose of thought and emotion, the sort of thing that you would write furiously into your diary at 3 am and then sound just as good the next morning after your anger has cooled and tears have dried

    just be honest with yourself about your feelings, and really think about them, dont block out a possibiliy just because you dont like it, or want to consider it

    the best of luck, i hope it all works out

    | Posted on 2007-09-10 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      Look at it this way...maybe you were just too damn much!!! In reading this, I've realized that there are so many reasons why people build walls around themselves and you may never really understand why. Also in this piece it almost seems to echo a contradiction...you say that you've protected yourself from falling in love, yet this one person has this much of a hold on you. Regardless of how good they were in bed, there seems to be more to it than that. It almost seems to me like you're having more of an inner conflict that you don't want to explore quite yet, besides the questioning why you wouldn't be enough. But, that is just my opinion and what I read into it. I also have to say, that reading this would make one wish to have the same kind of encounter, the whole idea of complete abandon is amazing to me. For random thoughts, you gave me a lot to think about.

    | Posted on 2007-09-10 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]

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