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    dots Submission Name: Green and Graydots

    Author: Jester_Gesture
    ASL Info:    23/f
    Elite Ratio:    3.41 - 365/459/201
    Words: 240
    Class/Type: Poetry/BrokenHeart
    Total Views: 480
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1521

       (For A.S.) A surrender, but to whom? To what?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGreen and Graydots

    No song we write can fulfill desires birthed in silence.
    I can convince myself of such deceit all on my own.
    No voices speak that lie, no lyrics can remain in the wake,
    the roaring waves are all-consuming.
    My emotions are indecipherable syllables, little slips
    of sad adjectives and desperate verbs,
    crumpled and crushed in fists tensed,
    grasping at the balcony railing.
    I stare into the lake, the greenest I have seen,
    like a lush field of grass made waves by the wind.
    Like your eyes, fresh and soft, peace
    offered up in honesty and empathy.
    And through the rain and the rushing waters
    I hear you ask, "Why do you push me away?"
    Three choices lay below in the churning
    beneath the swiftly accelerating boat:
    Take a dive, leave behind silence and song.
    Or push you away, leave behind hope and honesty.
    Or, for once, admit fault, and stop pushing.
    I face you, defeated, and surrender with
    rain now soaking everything in gray.
    And in that moment I stopped pushing,
    I let you love me, knowing by your eyes that
    the gray, now blinding me against the waves,
    would never let me love you in return.
    It drowned all voices, truth or lies.
    Drowned all sound, song or storm.
    The gray drowned the colors of the lake,
    the green of your eyes, and drowned out the memory
    of a love song we intended to drown ourselves in.

    Submitted on 2007-09-10 01:45:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      God, this is really pretty.

    I notice that you've talked about green eyes in several of your pieces.

    I myself am particular to blue ones. :)
    | Posted on 2007-09-23 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      this certainly is written as a complete thought. i enjoyed the way you pushed the ending, and hesitated in beginning to explain. your choices, the options offered, seemed unexplained. besides, of course, your decision. while this may be for significance purposes, im not sure, but i would have appreciated the writer exploring the reader's potential mindset. this poem is hardly about love, more about a memory, a one-sided argument, presently, and one which you cannot win. love is merely a bystander, something which had been greatly affected, but is surely confused as to it's place here, and now. your words flow wonderfully, i must compliment you. though tense, through the middle (you started late and ended early, like i was saying before) this piece of poetry is still great writing. take care.

    | Posted on 2007-09-13 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
      This may sound strange to you, but I'll be honest since I remember that you appreciate the truth. We have not spoken in years, but somehow I felt that even if we never spoke again, we might still share some silent bond through our love of the written word, of how infinitely precious and sublime it truly is. Hence, I am frightened at reading this piece, watching you throw away the tools of your art (if even metaphorically) like so much rubbish. I know that a heart's pain can run deep, unfathomably deep. I know that it can make a poem, a story, or a song seem like nothing but meaningless scribbles and sounds. But I entreat you...do not surrender your song to this "gray," this existential hum.

    I feel foolish having written that. The depth, courage and beauty of "green and gray" is proof enough that you have not truly surrendered, that you carry your song with you to the darkest moments and the deepest waters, and that it- that you- will rise again to the sunny surface, in time. Perhaps my disquietude was the result of too superficial a reading of the poem. Perhaps a few words criss-crossed in my mind and sparked the memory of a girl I once knew who stood at a precipice, and almost gave up...but did not.

    I only knew her through words, but they were her words. I believe she showed me that scribbles and sounds are in truth communications of the soul, as real as any human touch, as precious as any love.

    I hope you understand. I hope you surrender never.
    | Posted on 2007-09-11 00:00:00 | by Aaron Felix | [ Reply to This ]
      it is going to take a lot of time to criticise your workm but what i can tell you is that breaking poem into stanzas makes it easier for people to read and it gives it a kind of power of attraction because it is more composed try to use it. your work is good talk of love that was to be but never was
    | Posted on 2007-09-10 00:00:00 | by kingsley | [ Reply to This ]
      while the end strikes me as a little rushed or forced the majority of this piece is well told.
    you paint the colours and images and the feelings in such a way that i thought eeeek... and felt that a moment from my life had been exposed before me.

    your use of short sentences made the images easier to connect and the ideas easier to place which i think is why i found the end a little more hazy and difficult... just something to be aware of i guess.

    i liked your three options...
    neither of them seemed really appealing and none of them seemed very easy
    but there is always a choice... there is always an option... i remember that from a movie i used to love "you mean if somebodys got a gun to my head i say 'i choose to die'?!" "no... you aint choosing to die but you can choose whether to scream or not... you always have a choice..."

    i really want to encourage you to clear up the end a little. im not sure how to do that but i know that it will bring a lot more resolution to your piece which would be good because then ppl in a situation similar to this one will be able to see that there is an ending... a way through... somehow...

    good work.
    | Posted on 2007-09-10 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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