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    dots Submission Name: Wanting Youdots

    Author: emoxday
    Elite Ratio:    3.15 - 113/123/144
    Words: 143
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 546
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 954

       I think I might fix this.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWanting Youdots

    the stars twinkle like broken glass,
    the moon smiles with a bitterness,
    And all I can do is sing;

    I sing for the emptiness
    from within,
    the craving; the want
    to please only him

    And when you smile,
    even grim;
    I'm happy that I can make you
    glad to change your feelings within

    The sun sets,
    like an atomic bomb;
    dizzy-ing red across the sky,
    I want to scream out
    'please set me free'

    trapped in your hold;
    I'm just a pawn in your plan,
    a mouse to you;
    and yet I don't mind
    I don't mind at all

    Let me sing to you,
    only for you;
    a passion within,
    a deep set song

    I want you to feel,
    what I feel for you;
    this ugly feeling,
    I can't let you go.

    Submitted on 2007-09-13 23:46:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      You sing a song you want him to hear and feel,
    and this is a beautiful poem and yet it makes me sad. I hope this is fiction for you .
    But I think in the
    4th stanza the line should read (like an atomic bomb). Other than that I thnk its a good work.

    The Poor Man's Poet.
    | Posted on 2007-09-15 00:00:00 | by Bobby K | [ Reply to This ]
      The hold of love is very strong, this beautiful poems describes that well. I hope your growth as a writer help you to make many a poem like this, even ones possibly better. To me the first two stanzas and five to me are perfect, but you could improve I believe, it's in all of us.
    | Posted on 2007-09-14 00:00:00 | by AeThe Lost Poet | [ Reply to This ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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