Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Wanting Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: emoxday
    Elite Ratio:    3.15 - 113/123/144
    Words: 143
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 586
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 954



    Description:
       I think I might fix this.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWanting Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    the stars twinkle like broken glass,
    the moon smiles with a bitterness,
    And all I can do is sing;

    I sing for the emptiness
    from within,
    the craving; the want
    to please only him

    And when you smile,
    even grim;
    I'm happy that I can make you
    feel;
    glad to change your feelings within

    The sun sets,
    like an atomic bomb;
    dizzy-ing red across the sky,
    I want to scream out
    'please set me free'

    trapped in your hold;
    I'm just a pawn in your plan,
    a mouse to you;
    and yet I don't mind
    I don't mind at all

    Let me sing to you,
    only for you;
    a passion within,
    a deep set song

    I want you to feel,
    what I feel for you;
    this ugly feeling,
    I can't let you go.






    Submitted on 2007-09-13 23:46:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You sing a song you want him to hear and feel,
    and this is a beautiful poem and yet it makes me sad. I hope this is fiction for you .
    But I think in the
    4th stanza the line should read (like an atomic bomb). Other than that I thnk its a good work.

    The Poor Man's Poet.
    | Posted on 2007-09-15 00:00:00 | by Bobby K | [ Reply to This ]
      The hold of love is very strong, this beautiful poems describes that well. I hope your growth as a writer help you to make many a poem like this, even ones possibly better. To me the first two stanzas and five to me are perfect, but you could improve I believe, it's in all of us.
    | Posted on 2007-09-14 00:00:00 | by AeThe Lost Poet | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    149506

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Incubus written by monad
    This written by Chelebel
    untitled written by Chelebel
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    A Drink written by jjd
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    ME written by jjd
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry