A global Halt by Ethan Brody

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Submission Name: A global Halt dots

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Author:	Ethan Brody
ASL Info:	27- M - Dunsinane
Elite Ratio:	8 - 356/166/55
Words:	84

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	197
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	638

Description:
I wrote this only yesterday but the true is that this is an idea that had been at the back of my mind for quite a while. I hope you can comment on it. I'm very interested in knowing if it means something to you or if I’m being understood. Whatever you want to say would be welcomed. I'll be forever thankful if you help me up with this one. If you do comment I promise I'll comment on your writes.

A global Halt dots

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Walking downtown
with an aching soul,
Pondering over
a zillion things,
listening to strangers,
whispering
in one’s ears,
many buildings,
to be seen,
many colours
to look at,
many people,
to ignore
but suddenly
there’s a halt.
And thoughts are
triggered,
ignited,
protruded,
and then yielded,
though one prevails,
a reminiscence,
A memory of an ant,
moving rather slowly
and quite unnoticeably
through a globe.

Submitted on 2007-09-14 21:58:11 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hi
This is one of those texts that grows as it is read over...

Well. The improvements have really helped to make a clearer focus on the isolation bit - it sends allusion (might not be intentional) to 'L'exil et la Royaume' by Camus, with the alienated feel to the relation to the other people in the city. It really works well how you describe the relation with other through the absence of the other. It gives the character an very introvert feel to him/her.

You might again want to look at the punctuation of the write, as it seems a bit overdone and redundant at points. For example:

many buildings, - loose the comma, the line break gives a natural pause, and the comma is grammatically wrong.
to be seen,
many colour
to look at,
many people, - There is an inconsistency in using a comma here (which should not be there) and not in the next line where it would actually serve a purpose.
to ignore
but suddenly
there’s a halt.
...
...
a reminiscence, - This should be a colon. You even capitalize the next line!
A memory of an ant,
moving rather slowly
and quite unnoticeably
through a globe.

That is just small things. As to the ant being in motion: Of that I am aware, but it is the movement of the ant I question. When you say: 'moving ... through a globe' you are actually saying that it is going through it. Meaning that it is not on the surface, but digging down into the globe, for example towards the core of the globe.

And still in the lines: 'many colour/to look at,' It should be colours as it is in plural.

The thing about the ears being in plural because of the character is listening to music and the stranger is in the earplugs is a phenomenal idea as to emphasizing the general idea of the poem. The problem is that a reader have no chance of picking up that reference, as it is outside the poem. In the sense that it is your experience, but not something you point at in the poem itself. Therefore you must find a way to convey that so we will understand that it is not the people surrounding the character but something else. An idea is to either make a clear reference to music, or connect it to the pondering, so that the whispering is not in the ears, but in the head. I know that is not your actual experience, but mind me saying so, that is besides the point. So if you for example changed the lines to:
Walking downtown
with an aching soul.
Pondering over
a zillion things,
listening to strangers,
whispering
in one’s head,

The change it makes, is that we now have a vague connection to the pondering, and through that connection it becomes clear that it is not people walking around the character but 'other' voices. The effect is in my opinion the same. The point is to make it clear that he/she is ignoring the public - not hearing them.

This is a very fine poem and I really find it very interesting. Please let me know if you change it again, I would like to see how this turns out.

All best
-Thomas
| Posted on 2007-10-15 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
  Ohhh, always interesting writes form your hand...
To start of with a bit of nitpicking - I know: lame - just a few

Walking downtown
with an aching soul,
Pondering over
a zillion things,
listening to strangers,
whispering
in one’s ears, -- I am not sure on this one, but I think that you only whisper in one ear, and it therefore should be whispering/in one's ear,. See my point!?!?
many buildings,
to be seen,
many colour -- colourS, plural
to looked at, -- Should be: 'to be looked' at OR 'to look at'
many people,
to ignore
but suddenly
there’s one halt. -- To use 'one' indicates the count of one halt, whereas I think you mean 'a' halt.
And thoughts
are exposed, -- Not sure the order of this is right. Can we expose something that has not yet evolved? Something that is being triggered? Just go through the list, and as there is a logical evolution of words here, just make sure that the semantics are right, and that you actually needs 'exposed'. I am not sure!
triggered,
ignited,
protruded, -- maybe it is after this that they are truly exposed, which would then logically lead to a yielding of thoughts?
and yielded,
though one prevails,
a reminisce, -- This is a verb! Should be 'a reminiscence'
A memory of an ant,
moving rather slowly
and quite unnoticeably
through a globe. -- Is it really moving through it!!??! or just on it?

Well all that aside, this is a great way of looking at the individual and the relation to the world or surrounding environment. The walk downtown, and the allusion to the ants and there seemingly chaotic movements, thou purposeful, there isolation and closeness. And the smallness of being...

It gives way for many thoughts and some interesting connotations, this I enjoyed emensly.

All best
-tZar

| Posted on 2007-10-13 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
  it is quite an interesting piece, but there are somethings missing,like why is your heart aching, and what kind of thoughts are triggered, or have you left these thoughts out delibertly,. maybe you are writting about all of us walking around, talking not listening .contented with ourselves in our own little world. i suppose if the globe came to a halt,and someone took a video camera and filmed from a very high height we would all be like ants rushing around in this direction and that direction. i don,t realy know if that,s what you were getting at, just my impression. interesting write.
gmc
| Posted on 2007-09-16 00:00:00 | by eyeless in gaza | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't know the definition of gobal?
Unless you meant global because that would make more sense with the piece you were talking about.
I don't know if this would make sense to you but usually when an idea is at the back of your mind, it suppose to be exploding on the piece of paper. But here i somehow feel that you have restricted yourself from saying what you really feel and instead substituted it with one word at a time.

But other than that, i believe you've made an interesting thought especially about the ants. I always imagined that if i could look from the top of the globe, the people who are as big as me or even bigger, from the globe point of view, they're just like ants. Looking at it from this perspective, it's very hard not to ignore that we are all part of this huge universe and we're all doing what we gotta do to survive, the only difference is that ants are united and we somehow, are more concerned with ourselves.

Nice thoughts. I those two sentences i got a lot of ideas.

Cheers,

Irina
| Posted on 2007-09-15 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  What is a gobal hat? Do you mean global hat? What is the ache you are carrying around?
Is it that you are a world traveller and can't find time to make friends or acquaintances? I see you ended the piece by calling yourself an ant that is unnoticed. If this is the ache you have, then you are too tightly woven and stuck on yourself or maybe an agent incognito.
You could improve the piece by eliminating some of the commas(,)
Give me more input about all those activated thoughts. No in depth insight just an allusion to make my read of your piece more than a bunch of words.

| Posted on 2007-09-14 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]

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