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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Candle Light Dinnerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PaulHudson
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Southend, Essex
    Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 70/71/19
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 553
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 763



    Description:
       Been a while since I have posted, it has been a while since I have had something to post about...

    Which is probably a good thing as it seems to be that my inspiration is drawn from break ups, as it was here.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCandle Light Dinnerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My delicate impression of space and time.
    Preserved embellishment of my mind.
    Your beauty sparkling radiant and bright
    lit by dancing candle light.

    Did I reveal that much
    when enlightened by your angles touch?
    Did you feel my skin tremble and quiver
    sense my spine shoot and shiver.

    As a harp, your voice plays to my ears
    and becomes the only sound I hear.
    Whilst lost in your eyes diamond sheen
    and basking in your smiles beam.

    Intoxicated by your precious melody
    captivated by your divine decree
    your allure, your demur
    your charming chords

    Although my heart rings encore
    I'll hear your harp sing no more




    Submitted on 2007-09-15 05:30:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Beautiful! I was going to leave just at the first word but then decided to give a little more of my thoughts. You must really love/like this girl. The description you gave is very strong and personal. I like it when writings are personal(they make for the best writes), I could never do that no matter how much I tried. The greatest thing about the entire poem to me was the fact that, to every line you have "you" present. It is almost like you are narrating the feeling of this person through the actions and qualities of this girl, only they are all in first person.

    Very well done in the first person. I always found it heard to write in first person. There are a few changes that might push this poem up a notch or two. Like for example, working on the punctuation. I'd say that it flows perfectly well, however it is written but a punctuating it would give off a certain flare.

    "Your voices harp plays to my ears" - this particular line threw me off somewhat. I'd say, it is because of the structure of that sentence. "voices harp", that phrase did not quite fall in together as far as I am concerned.

    The last two lines,
    "Although my heart screams encore
    Iíll hear your harp sing no more"

    are my favorites. An immaculate ending is how I would put it.

    It is difficult to comment on a piece which seem to be so personal. I really like the way you qualified everything in comparison with music. A harp you say, seems a very sensitive and warm way to go about the subject. It is brilliant.

    awesome work!

    peace and empathy,
    | Posted on 2007-09-15 00:00:00 | by forestspirit | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a quite dazzling description of a girl you seem to be in love with. I do relate to the feeling I gather that most of us have been there, one way or another. It's amazing when you meet somebody and start dating ... one feels all that intoxicating passion that you describe, one is just blind by that personís beauty and charm.

    I consider that this piece is obviously well thought out and quite telling, especially as to the circumspect choice of words and the carefully constructed imagery. I believe that your having compare this woman this an harp was very creative and overly effective.

    In the same vein, I have to say that this piece brings to mind some of my old poems but also a song from Damien Rice thatís called "Dogs" and the refrain says something like this:

    "Oh and she's always dressed in white
    She's like an angel, and
    She burns my eyes
    Oh and she turns
    She pulls a smile
    We drive her round
    And she drives us wild
    Oh and she moves like a little girl
    I become a child, and
    she moves my world
    And she gets splashed in painting
    And turns away
    and leaves me standing"

    As for suggestions, you might like to consider the idea of improving the first line regarding stanza 3. You wrote:

    "Your voices harp plays to my ears"

    I do fathom what you were endeavouring to say but I surmise that it would make much more sense if youíd say something like:

    "Your harp like voices play to my ears"

    or "Your harp voice play to my ears"

    But that is merely a suggestion is up to you to take it or not.

    All in all, I like your piece. Itís very scintillating and intense. I'm always reading writes about love and always say the same about them meaning that they lack intensity and passion and this is precisely what this piece protrudes, to put it that way.

    Enjoyed this much

    Warm regards,


    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2007-09-15 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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