These really sound like lyrics. As a poem, though, I think it's lacking. The repitition that works so well as a song comes off as a little grating. Same thing with the rhyming. As lyrics, though, this would be great.
i have to agree with learah about the repitiion. i think that this sound like a song as well. it is a great try and i think that either you caould add to it to make a song or fix the rep. at least the for goodness sake. good job lia
Not sure if it's a typo in L-4, is it supposed to be "if only I could know"?
I like the repetition of "make me break" but not of "for goodness sake" I think I would have liked it more if the second and third time you replaced for goodness sake with something else, even something that didn't rhyme.