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    dots Submission Name: Whisper cleandots

    Author: all the english boys
    ASL Info:    15
    Elite Ratio:    2.76 - 173/239/46
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1520
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 531


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    dotsWhisper cleandots

    make me break
    for goodness sake
    cause it's two hours left to go
    and man, i'd tell you, if only i could know
    why the trees always whisper clean

    make me break
    for goodness sake
    i'd live for you thrice
    your hand could never suffice for
    why the trees always whisper clean

    make me break
    for goodness sake
    lift me up and drop me
    you, me, and the ghost makes three
    so lay me down deep and leave me to the sky

    Submitted on 2004-06-21 15:40:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      These really sound like lyrics. As a poem, though, I think it's lacking. The repitition that works so well as a song comes off as a little grating. Same thing with the rhyming. As lyrics, though, this would be great.
    | Posted on 2004-06-21 00:00:00 | by Erchomenos | [ Reply to This ]
      i have to agree with learah about the repitiion. i think that this sound like a song as well. it is a great try and i think that either you caould add to it to make a song or fix the rep. at least the for goodness sake. good job lia
    | Posted on 2004-06-21 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
      This sounds like a good basis for a song. But as a poem the repetition kills me

    if you could fashion some verses around it to make it lyrics, it would be interesting to read again, but I didn't like it the way it is.
    | Posted on 2004-06-21 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      Not sure if it's a typo in L-4, is it supposed to be
    "if only I could know"?

    I like the repetition of "make me break" but not of
    "for goodness sake" I think I would have liked it more if the second and third time you replaced for goodness sake with something else, even something that didn't rhyme.

    And I love that the trees always whisper clean.
    | Posted on 2004-06-21 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]

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