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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Lion and the Girldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mandolin
    ASL Info:    10/15/89
    Elite Ratio:    5.4 - 131/145/85
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1109
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 716



    Description:
       This one pleases me a lot.

    I love the intertwining meanings all scrambled in knots that is so-so-so tied together in an honest mess.

    Tastes, Lions, Girls, Trees... it just all comes so good to me.

    Please enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Lion and the Girldots
    -------------------------------------------


    I need you closely, closer, more.

    This is the awakening of a girl;
    gingerly, knot by knot,
    my insides still turn nimble
    at thought’s taste of you.

    If I were a tree,

    And every leaf an eye,
    all one-thousand and forty-five
    would be amazed at you.

    I need you nearest, nearly, most.

    This is the stirring of a lion,
    who, rippling, strip by strip,
    turns an iron cage into a leafing heart
    who beats and yearns for you.

    If I were love itself,

    the girl, sleeping by the cage,
    would regard it with great respect
    before being gobbled, eaten, up.




    Submitted on 2007-09-16 18:00:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I greatly envy your skill at poetry. I think you naturally create that which I find so hard and impossible to instill into my poems: pathos and emotion. I've read a few other of your poems, and 2 things noticeable struck me:

    a)Your personal voice: You have a strong unique voice, which as I've mentioned, is adept at stirring the reservoirs of emotion.

    b)Your use of repetition. Your work vibrates similar to Whitman's work, especially "O Captain! My Captain!".

    O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
    The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won;
    The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
    While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
    But O heart! heart! heart! 5
    O the bleeding drops of red,
    Where on the deck my Captain lies,
    Fallen cold and dead.


    In your poem, this part struck me the most:

    And every leaf an eye,
    all one-thousand and forty-five
    would be amazed at you.

    Also, the versions of "closely" and "nearest" meserized me, and that final unnecessary comma after "eaten" puzzled me.

    A very flowing write!
    | Posted on 2007-11-03 00:00:00 | by albery rinash | [ Reply to This ]
      I honestly don't know what to say to this... lol

    I am just really speechless.

    Love your way with words thank you for sharing... You're making me think now

    -Sere
    | Posted on 2007-09-20 00:00:00 | by Lil Sere | [ Reply to This ]
      Love, it can swallow you up, I guess.

    This was a very interesting poem. By the way, did you count all the leaves on your tree? Wow, you are dedicated.

    I don't know what else to say. I really like this poem, but it leaves me somewhat speechless.
    | Posted on 2007-09-20 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
      You're right, it is quite an intertwined story, isn't it?

    Could you mean that a girl can be taught to believe that even the hardest of hearts may be molten by love? Or that however much a girl gives she will be taken advantage of in the end? Or both? Or am I looking into this too deeply and it's simply a well-proportioned poem full of scrambled fairytail-killing gibberish?

    An interesting piece, it made me wonder, it made me smile, and it's making me praise your way with words.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2007-09-16 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really great. I think that a lot of people cannot really appreciate good poetry like this. But I loved it! The style reminded me a lot of Pablo Neruda. He's one of my favorite poets.

    Ceruleanstorm
    | Posted on 2007-09-16 00:00:00 | by CeruleanStorm | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    149616

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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