Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: tainted-faerie
    ASL Info:    18/f/ga
    Elite Ratio:    3.37 - 12/16/25
    Words: 327
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 66
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 1920



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsyoudots
    -------------------------------------------


    In the silent screaming of my room
    I lay in my private womb
    As the burning daggers slice my skin
    The silent screaming starts to win
    As the pain starts seeping through my womb
    It locks me in my dusty tomb
    The pain enduring through it all
    I feel myself begin to fall
    As the warmth of my womb begins to break
    My body is plunged into an icy lake
    As my body goes numb
    I start to hear a deafening hum
    Once the hum starts to stop
    I hear my joints give a sickening pop
    The pop is what i fear the most
    Until my soul begins to coast
    I coast through the pit
    Where they keep all the shit
    All the shit you told me when you weren't around
    All the shit you told them when my body was found
    Now that I'm in this hellish place
    I can see behind the disguise to you're real face
    The face you kept hidden from me all along
    The face you showed when i said so long
    So long to the pain and the misery i felt
    The hand i was dealt
    Was as shity as could be
    Especially all the parts where you lied to me
    Lied to me about where you were going at night
    Lied to me, especially when we had all the fights
    The fights about why you were never there
    And the way you acted like you didn't even care
    The fights that we had, they all led to this
    I'll be the thing tat you'll sorely miss
    You'll miss all the good times that we had
    You'll miss all the bad times that we had
    You'll miss all the things you loved about me
    You'll miss all the things you hated, don't you see
    You'll miss all the things that happened between us
    And as you wait for the bus that you take
    You'll realize this, and finally, awake




    Submitted on 2007-09-17 09:27:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      im not sure what direction you were trying to go with this
    at first i thpught it was just personal pain and it took em a while to realize taht this was to someone, not just about the pain that you deal with when thinking of them.

    right before you start the beginning of the you'll miss part there is a line that goes
    "I'll be the thing tat you'll sorely miss" should be that instead....

    as for [censored]
    well
    its not that its something that i would say dont ever use that in writing but when you are writing, you started out very differently than when you came to where you started using it
    it changes the feel the reader gets from the writer, and its really not that necessary
    yes, the occaisional [censored], or [censored]ty does feel right, and could be reccomended, but the way that you used it here, and the amount leads me to think that perhaps there are some other words that could be substituted for it?

    unless you are writing free verse, which you dont seem to be trying for here, i suggest that you try to find a singel metre and stick with it throughout the piece rather than erratic line length which upsets the metre of a piece and can make a poem a little harder for the readers to get into

    as for the you'll mis me part i really think that it isnt necessary, that it breaks away from the style of the rest of the piece, and certainly doesnt have a standard structure except for the first couple of words

    perhaps it would be better if it was separated by a line, rather than attached to the rest of the piece

    there were parts i liked though, you have a good imagination and the beginning was quite nice for me i think

    "In the silent screaming of my room
    I lay in my private womb"

    i like this bit, the first line especially, but i wonder if womb should be tomb?

    i think you just need a little bit of work
    smooth out some rough spots an you will be a great writer

    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-10-02 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.