In my nightmares I scream
I cannot hide in these dreams
I wake up in very cold sweats
I try to tell him, I don't know if he gets
The point that I am trying to push
across the table, and he looks
like he is really trying to understand
but just doesn't get it about this man
that took advantage of me when I was twelve
And I do not really want to delve
into my personal life that much
because it scares me a whole bunch
but he doesn't get it and I don't know why
he cannot understand why I cry
and scream in the middle of the night
that is why I have to fight
in every dream that I have
because I will avoid it if I can
But in every dream I cannot hide
I guess I have to watch and bide my time
Here's my thoughts on the matter, and it's relational and personal but I want to tell you, even if you don't get it.
I have built walls, walls that not only separate me from others but separate me from myself. Walls that keep me from wanting anything, denying my needs, denying I need comfort and to be vulnerable. I built them to keep myself safe, and I have forgotten who I am "protecting."
The walls can keep me from receiving all the love that my lover gives me, that cheats him, THAT CHEATS ME.
I have the hardest time forgiving myself for things, I feel guilty for feeling hunger - it's that bad.
I've been through things I would call unspeakable, I cut them away - and bled to death in the process. My insides are a gory bleeding to death, I fantasize of jumping just so my love would see how I am on the inside.
You have to talk, you have to cry, and scream, you have to talk. It will kill you sooner than you think if you do not.
|| Posted on 2007-09-27 00:00:00 | by Mandolin | [ Reply to This ] |