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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Elle (on my shoulder)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AptPupilofLife2
    ASL Info:    18/M/Berkeley,CA
    Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 112/131/48
    Words: 177
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 130
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1186



    Description:
       This is another repost from my deleted account. This was probably the first poem I wrote that I really loved, because I loved the one who inspired it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsElle (on my shoulder)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    A buncha teenagers on a couch,
    watching some good video.
    But we aren't really watching ...
    it's playing? I dun know.

    Your head rests on my shoulder
    sleeping like sunrise
    "I've never done this before"
    I thought with surprise.
    I nuzzled softly into your hair,
    and we just lay there.
    I thought I'd die,
    or else sprout wings and fly!

    Then I saw your hand on the blanket,
    A pale perfection lying alone.
    I paused, afraid, unsure.
    But, realizing i had a hand of my own,
    I moved it the six inches,
    that seemed to me, right then
    like a man leaping across the grand canyon,
    and then you turned and did it AGAIN,
    bringing your hand into mine!

    Your hand was soft, gentle, and smooth
    How could I have held it?
    How could your head have been on my shoulder?
    What flame is now lit?

    What has changed ... what's different?
    Why do I feel younger and older,
    more horrified, awed, and bolder,
    just because your head
    is on my shoulder ...




    Submitted on 2007-09-19 02:33:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Somehow, you took a simple event, described it simply, using a simple structure, and made it very, very deep. I like how you kept the speaker in character, the young person experiencing his first basic moment of affection. The language is his, and the questions are his, and unanswered...personally, I found this aspect the best. It speaks of innocent love in a raw and honest way. I even dig the rhyming, kind of a Bob Dylan sort of thing. Might make a good song? Anyway, my only suggestions would be that you refine the spelling a little, and perhaps lose the exclamation points. For some reason, nobody ever takes exclamation points seriously in a poem.
    | Posted on 2007-09-19 00:00:00 | by Aaron Felix | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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