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Chuck Norris Pt.7

Author: insphered soul
ASL Info:    19/M/ Hmmm?
Elite Ratio:    6.49 - 450 /382 /94
Words: 3479
Class/Type: Story /Misc
Total Views: 1862
Average Vote:    4.0000
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7th installment in the Chuck Norris stories I created about a year ago.

So pointless but my friends loved them.

Chuck Norris Pt.7

Our story takes off 3 years after all the fighting and what not that has happened since Chuck Norris pt. 6.

Dewayne walks out of a tent in New Zealand.

Dewayne: *hears noise* what's that?

Zach: *walks out of tent on opposite side of Dewayne's* It's your watch you got from that dead power ranger dude last week.

Dewayne: Oh yeah *watch makes a 'doo dee doo doo dee' noise. Dewayne pushes a button* What's goin on?

*Lances voice is heard coming from the watch*

Lance: Mother f***er, we need yo help. You need to take your ass over there and deal with this sh*t.

Dewayne: with what?

Zach: *whispers* probably sex with watermelons.

Everyone but Dewayne: *laughs hysterically*

Michael: Your so funny as usual Zach! I wish I was you!

Zach: Ah, I know, everyone does.

Skipper: I wish I was you too, but I can't be you because your so amazing it would defy existence, so I just have to settle for having you as my eternal lover!

British Guy: This cheeseburger is bloody brilliant.

Just then, somewhere in Indonesia....

Indonesian guy: Why mosaocy why?

Indonesian guys sister: It is okay my husband.

Logan: Thats hot.

Dewayne: *runs in* Where's Bob?

Bob: *rolls out of a cabinent with Diet Coke*

Dewayne: How dare you!

Diet coke:

Dewayne: Don't you tal-

Diet coke:

Dewayne: Stop cutting me off you diet b****!

Tyler pops in

Tyler: Total annihilation of the planet Yenos shall now commence.

Zach: Your mom

Tyler: works at a band

Jonathan: Dur dur! Dee durr durk

Megan: haha

Chinese man: Shen ying poontang!

Zach: Surely not another explosion?

Dewayne: That would be sexy

A door magically appears and Chuck Norris pops out of it

Chuck Norris: Did someone say sexy?

Skipper: F**king Chuck Norris!

Zach: *gasp*

Dewayne: *gasp*

Jonathan: *gasp*

Diet coke:

Zach: See? Even the diet coke gasped!

Skipper: Grrr

Zach: Oh god! Run away! Everyone run! *whispers* and then me and Skipper can have some arts and crafts time, hehe.

Italian guy on phone: I want a fock on the table

Lance: You better not f*** on the table!

Italian guy on phone: No, there's no fock on the table, I want to fock for my food.

Lance: You better not f*** on the table!

Italian guy on phone: There's no sheet on the bed, I wanna sheet on the bed.

Lance: You better not sh*t on the bed you sonawabitch!

Italian guy on phone: Oh ma geezus!

Mario: Wa Luigi, wheresa princess peacha?

Luigi: You sonawabitch! The princess isa gona!

Logan: What the hella isa goin on over hera?

Megan: Why god why?

Mijitsu 2515: Dudes, turns out respawning in sureway wasn't that bad, they had a deal on shields and hot pockets!

Zach: America, f*** yeah!

Gridly Bear: Comin again to save the -

Dewayne: Mother f***in day, YEAH!

Logan: So Brittany, I'm like really into you and I want you to be my girlfriend.

Brittany: *thinks to self* Oh god, I would kill myself if I ever went out with HIM! I'm going to go cut myself right now* *smiles* *walks away to tent with a crazy mutilate-myself-with-a-knife look on her face*

Logan: So we'll talk later then? Cool.

Tyler pops out from behind a bush

Tyler: Hey guys, so can I join your group now?

Zach: Well, I'll consider it.

Tyler: Yay!

Zach: If your gonna act like that, then the answers NO.

Tyler: But.....I'll act normal.

Zach: Good.

Alysse: I like cheese.

James: I like hitting people and causing pain. And cheese.

Zach: Alysse! James! Aladdin!

*Aladdin flies in on his magic carpet with Abu on his shoulder, flexes, then flies off*

Zach: Wow, that was cool.


Lance: Bob's right, the American economy does need some backbone to it otherwise we would all just fade away into nothingness while the pope smoked marijuana and had sex with every single monkey that he had special ordered to his room like in home alone 2 when that kid Kevin was all by himself in that kickass hotel room and had all that candy and ice cream and stuff, that was awesome. I wish I had some cow testicles with me right now.

Dewayne: *wide eyed* What the hell?

Zach: I think that maybe the worlds economy wont end up exactly like that...*looks at Dewayne pouring hot wax on his man tities* On second thought...

Skipper: *b*tches at me on phone right now*

Logan: I'm a ninja b*tch!

Gridly Bear: Pirates are better. GARR!

Steve the Pirate: GARR, Peter.


Megan: Bob, thats retarded, there's no way pirates are better than ninjas.

Alysse: Go Colts!

James: Da Bears!

Zach: Dudes, calm down.

James: I will destroy you.

Lance: Do it! Do it! Do it!

Logan: Mmmmm.....pie

*A magical camel enters the room and all the torches go out*

Zach: Whoa, isn't that strange that when that magical camel entered the room, all the torches went out?

Alysse: What? What torches?

Lance: Umm....there's only light bulbs.

Zach: Hmm....the torches look strange.

Skipper: He has no idea what we're talking about because he's not paying attention.

Zach: Huh? I'm sorry, I have no idea what we're talking about because I wasn't paying attention.

Skipper: See? Told ya.

Tyler: So, can I hang out with you guys or not?

Zach: On one condition.

Tyler: Anything.

Zach: queerssaywhat?

Tyler: What?

Everyone: Hahahaha

Tyler? What?

Everyone: *laughs harder*

Tyler: *getting angry* What?

Dewayne: *pouring hot wax on his man tities* Oooh, ahhh

Later that day

Lance: Dude, I'm here doing everything I can, and you say its not good enough. why isn't anything ever good enough for you? I mean, you just stand there, and you gaze at me with those careless eyes and I'm trying here, I really am *starts crying*.....I'm just......I'm trying so hard here. Please, give me a sign.

Brittany: *to Michael* Why is he talking to a statue of a monkey?

Michael: I dont know

*cop wearing glasses pulls up*

Cop: What'er you kids doin out here?

Zach: Nothing much sir, just gonna go white water rafting down these streams and such.

Cop: Its dangerous out there kids, it'd be best if you didn't d-

James: I was a white water rafting guide over in wyoming, I know how to do this.

Logan: Yeah, and besides, me and Lance were in the boyscouts. James, you were in the boyscouts right?

James: No, but I ate a brownie once.

Cop: .......right, listen boys-

James: You listen here raybands, we'll be fine.

*Cop drives away*

A few hours later at the canoe rental place owned by an indian

Indian guy: You sure you don't want a guide?

James: We're fine, I was a white water rafting guide down in Texas.

Indian guy: Really? Me too, what class were you? 05? 06?

James: Yeah

Indian guy: Lie to me, I don't care, I'm not the one thats going to drown.

Zach: Alright guys and girls, lets do this! With the breaking of this bottle of grape juice, we start our journey. *proceeds to walk out to the canoe in the shallow water and breaks the glass bottle on the tip of the canoe, glass spills into the shallow water*

Indian guy: Thanks for breaking glass where my kids play.

Zach: Oh..sorry.

Skipper: Can we just go already?

Indian guy: There's a tracking device planted on the canoe, so if we can't find you, atleast we can find it.

Lance: That's reassuring.

Megan: Cheese

Diet coke:

Dewayne: Exactly.

Everyone seperates into 4 groups.

Zach: Okay, me, Skipper, Lance and Michael make up group 1. Megan, Brittany, Dewayne and Diet coke make up group 2.

Dewayne: *in a painful whisper* I wanted Bob.

Zach: Group 3 is going to be Bob, Tyler, James and Alysse. And group 4 is going to be.....Ummm...Well lets go!

Lance: What about group 4-

*Zach whistles and 4 giant monkeys spring forth and tackle Lance into the stream, carrying him downhill and over a waterfall 5 minutes later, strangely enough, he's not the first this has happened to*

Zach: Well, who wants to change to group 1?

Everyone cowers in fear

Zach: No one? Then lets go!

Everyone gets into the canoes and starts rowing. Zach's phone starts ringing the "We are emo, hear us cut" song and everyone immediately thinks of Lance.

Zach: *answers phone* Hello?

Lance's voice projecting from phone: You son of a -

Zach: *whistles*

Lance's voice: OH GOD NO! PLEASE GOD NO!

Logan: NOOOOO! My brother!

Chuck Norris: I trained them to be unstoppable. No one can save Son Lance now.

Skipper: F***ing Chuck Norris.

*Chuck Norris raises his hand to back hand Skipper, but Bob flies out of nowhere, taking the hit and literally exploding with seeds shooting everywhere*.

Dewayne: *girly scream* OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAARRRGGGGGGGH HHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He was so young. So young....why!?!?!?

Chuck Norris: It is okay my homosexual son.

Dewayne: I'm not gay.

Chuck Norris: You do realize that anyone who lies to Chuck Norris dies instantly right?

Dewayne: Now I do.

Chuck Norris: Then your lucky I am allowing you to live.

Dewayne: Umm.....thanks?

Zach: So, is he gay or not?

*Chuck Norris raises his hands to the air and Bob magically comes back together*

Dewayne: *passes out*

Chuck Norris: Let all be as it once was *claps hands together*

A blinding light from nowhere fills everyones eyes

Megan: This blinding light from nowhere is blinding me!

Michael: I can't see my neck! I can't see my neck! Oh god!

Temporary darkness ensnares everyone as the light disperses.

Zach: Can anybody see anything?

Logan: No, I can't see anything.

Author: Me neither.

Skipper: Who's that?

Zach: Gee I don't know, I can't see.

*Skipper feels around for Zach and smacks him*

Zach: AH! What was that? A gawilda beast?

Skipper: Shut up.

Zach: Wait, be quiet, if I focus enough, I can see a little bit.........Yes! My sight is coming back.

Brittany: Well hurry up and tell us what you see.

Zach: Everything looks weird, its really bright, and........whoa.

Logan: Whoa, what whoa?

Zach: My clothes....are like.....pure purple.....and I'm wearing different clothes and theres something around my neck. What is this? *Feels the necklace around his neck, then screams* OH MY GOD, ITS A SPIDER!!!!

Michael: Stop being such a wuss. Whoa, Megan, I like it when you play with my butt.

Megan: I'm not playing with your butt.

Dewayne: Oh, my bad man.

Michael: What the h*ll?

Unknown Voice: &(^(%*&(&)

Zach: Come again?

Unknown Voice: Oookilackicake

Dewayne: Unilinimy?

Unknown Voice: Futilacay!

Dewayne: Desinimium!!

Zach: what the french toast?

Skipper: Is that hungarian?

Lance: Nope, its dutch.

James: Clearly it's arabian.

Alysse: Are you freaking retarded?

James: What?

Aladdin: Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa.

Logan starts floating away

Logan: I feel as though I'm lighter than air.

Zach: Huh? Logan, your flying!

Everyone: *In awe*

Logan: That's ridiculous. You guys are getting smaller. OMG! I'm a giant aren't I!?!? SWEET!

Michael: No man, your really flying

Logan: Yeah, flying with the giants! *suddenly realizes he's actually flying* Oh god help me!

Dewayne: Logan, try to gain control of it.

Logan: How the hell am I suppose to do that!?!?

Megan: Just try to think about being back on the ground.

Logan: *concentrates really hard and starts to slowly come back to the ground*

Zach: Ah, good.

Lance: Where did you learn to fly?

Logan: No idea, but it's pretty awesome.

Alysse: So your saying that he can fly? Actually defy gravity and fly?!?!?

Zach: I guess so. It's really awesome, I'm kinda jealous.

Megan: How fast do you think he can fly?

Logan: Hmmm....*Jumps into air and falls on his a$$* oh my god, my a$$!

Michael: Why didn't you fly?

Logan: I don't know.

Zach: Maybe it was just a fluke?

Skipper: Your such a genius Zach!

Jonathan: He really is.

Skipper: BACK OFF BI*CH!

Jonathan: Huh?

Chuck Norris: We must run my son.

Jonathan: To the temple?

Chuck Norris: Yes, go now, hurry!

Logan: Temple?

Dewayne: Ooooh, I wonder if it's the same temple where that priest moles-.......I mean, gave me ice cream. Yeah, that's it, good ol' ice cream.

Lance: *cleary homosexual at the thought of sinister bananas* I want some banana ice cream.

Zach: You sound like your clearly homosexual at the thought of sinister bananas or something Lance.

Lance: *Girl scream* Shut up! Omg! I can't have my own life around here.

Akon: So lonely, I'm so lonely, I'm still lonely, I have nobody for my own. Yo, this one here, goes out to all my players out there man, that ya know, -

Zach: What the he*l is this sh*t?

Skipper: Your language is bad mister, you need a spanking.

Author: Why do all my stories go from serious to random then to sexual deviance?

Lance: Just continue please.

Author: I shall good sir.

Zach: So, I have a plan, we throw Logan off the mountain side and just hope that he flies.

Everyone but Logan: That's a great idea.

Logan: Oh he*l no, please no, I don't think so. Let go of me!!!!!

Everyone grabs a part of Logan and tosses him off the mountain

Logan: *falling* *scream* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!! *Crying* Please god don't let me die, please, please god please.

Zach: Logan, you fell like 3 feet and you started floating.

Logan: *opens eyes* oh......of course, that's why I was just acting! *sniff* Yeah, acting. *looks down and see's 3000' of air between him and the ground* *starts crying again* ehe, ehehe, eheeheeehhe.

Megan: Logan, just fly back over here.

Logan: *floats back over to the others* I guess that wasn't so bad. *lands on ground* Wait! I have an idea! *runs and jumps off the mountain*

Lance: LOGAN!

Everyone: *gasp*

Logan: *falling, picks up speed and curves upwards skyrocketing past the mountain top where everyone is standing*

Michael: Wow.

Dewayne: *pouring hot wax on his man tities* That's pretty hot.

Zach: *smiles to self* I knew he could do it.

Skipper: Yeah right, I'm sure, *smacks Zach on the back, accidentally pushing him off the mountain*


Logan: *see's Zach falling* Hold on! *flies downwards at a speed far surpassing 400 mph.

Zach: *falling* come on Logan.

Logan: *reaches out hand and grabs Zach* Gotcha!

Zach: *grins* Bout time

Logan: I could let you fall

Zach: Yeah, but then how could you get your blow up doll back? If I remember correctly, I hid it from you when you were asleep.

Logan: Ah, dam* you're good.

Skipper: *wonders why logan is flirting with her prpg husband*

Zach: What have I told you about wondering about things woman? You know better!

Skipper: *Cowers in fear* I'm sorry master

Logan: I knew he would put her in her place eventually......Mwuahahahaahahahaha-*is smacked by Skipper*

Lance: Mwuahahahahahahahahaha

Yoshi: Has anyone seen my eggs?

Megan: The hell?

Mario: Yoshi, there you are! Come, we must journey to the castle to rescue Peach from Bowser!

Luigi: Mario, you sonnawabeech, you can't just order Yoshi around like that.

Mario: You sonnawa-

Zach: Hey now little guy, how about you just hop along and we can forget about this whole thing.

*Huge explosion in China*

Chinese Man: Shin ying poontang!

Dewayne: Oh no! Another explosion in China! What are we ever going to do?


Brittany: Bob's right, we should just stop caring about what happens.

Michael: You heartless b**ch.

Logan: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I can fly, and thats pretty dam* cool to me.

Lance: Wait a second, I just realized that our clothes are different.

Zach: Yeah, it's like I was trying to tell you guys when I opened my eyes after all that stuff happened. My clothes are pure purple, and not the ugly looking shade, the cool shade.

Logan: Mine are red and black.

Lance: Mine are too, but with purple sleeves.

Megan, Michael, Brittany and Dewayne: Our's are green, pink and sky blue.

James, Alysse and Matt: Our's are Black with Brown sleeves.

Skipper: Mines just orange.

Zach: Hmmm.....I wonder if the colors mean something.

Dewayne: Don't be retarded, why would they possib- Ouch! the wax burned me!

Megan: Then stop pouring it on your man tities!

Lance: Everyone, be quiet. Do you hear that noise?

Michael: Yeah, its like a buzzing/mowing noise.

James: Everyone, get down!

*Everyone falls to the ground except Brittany*

Brittany: Why did you guys fall down for?

Everyone hears a huge explosion 2 miles away in another mountain and watches in horror as 10 black demons fly into the sky and turn towards them, hovering in mid air.

Zach: Wow, they look pretty sinister.

Skipper: Perhaps they work for the sinister banana's?

Dewayne: They look pretty weak to me. *starts shouting* Hey! You look like a bunch of sweaty sailors lookin for a good time, so- *Realizes he's not alone* I-I mean, *deep man voice* You look like a bunch of wussies. Yeah. Am I right everyone? *grunts* Yeah.

To Be Continued

Submitted on 2007-09-20 22:30:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  So, i then found the other ones like...a couple weeks ago, too.

but since i threw the other one away i think i did those too.

But they're still saved on my pc so all is well [=

| Posted on 2008-09-05 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
  i have this in paperback


i just found it.

and now i think im going to throw it away

| Posted on 2008-05-18 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]

I Love You

it took me about 20 minutes just to scroll all over and find the damn comment box :/

but here it is!


| Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
  It took so long to read your 7th, (because of all the laughing), that ES logged me off before I could comment. So, let's try this again.

To Be Continued???

Does that mean there's going to be an eighth installment? Well if there is, I'm sure it will be as funny as all these others have been; even if your fu*ks are still censored. Hey. If I say *sexy*, do you think Chuck Norris will come out and smack Bob some more? Anyway, thanks for making me laugh... again.

The Bird
| Posted on 2007-09-20 00:00:00 | by Swimming Bird | [ Reply to This ]

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