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    dots Submission Name: We have enoughdots

    Author: Kube
    ASL Info:    24/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    1.93 - 64/56/32
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 724
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 751


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWe have enoughdots

    I came across someone like me
    Some one who wants just as much, if not less
    I spoke to him
    We want what we can have
    Yes I want but I cannot grip my love for what I want
    I have power to have but I choose to not have it
    Is this even reason for this speech?
    Am I not worthy of my own thoughts?
    Is my own self my own demon?
    To be what we want is to be what our own does not want
    That is life
    That is the devil
    So I grant this demon my wishes
    Then I grant god my hopes
    I fall in between
    It destroys me
    But I get up
    I live another day
    I fight all what is bad
    I fight for all that is good
    Here am I.

    Submitted on 2007-09-21 07:12:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was good, and I think it has a lot of potential. I'm not entirely sure I like those first lines where you're talking about meeting someone just like you, though. It seems like it really had no relevance, when you could just start talking about yourself instead. I think this person needs to be taken out of the poem, or else inserted a bit more into the rest of the poem.

    It also felt a bit unorganized. You had a few different subjects going on there, and to me it didn't feel like the transitions were made very well.

    This would be pretty good with a bit of polishing.
    Keep writing
    | Posted on 2007-10-07 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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