Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Januarydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: manwithnoname
    ASL Info:    18/M/Ontario
    Elite Ratio:    5.84 - 314/278/117
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 838
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 640



    Description:
       Winter is mine enemy!

    Written in Gr.12 English Class, Poetry Unit.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJanuarydots
    -------------------------------------------


    January
    He enters like a lion
    Roaring like a billion resolutions never kept
    Sending a legion of blizzards to eat away the sun
    People are walking, assaulted by the knives of snow that cut their faces
    Downcast eyes
    Crying tears that freeze upon their smooth cheeks
    Cursing January and his gloomy, winter armies
    Moving frozen legs quickly
    To reach the warm inside sanctuary
    Where they stand, still cursing him
    Praying for summer once again
    January just smiles like the devil
    And steals the souls of many
    The New Year is a new death toll




    Submitted on 2007-09-21 18:46:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      you're really that upset at the month of January huh?
    i kind of dig the winter months myself. after a long hot summer it's nice to have the season as a reason to huddle inside and catch up on a book or two,drink hot chocolate ( with the little marshmallows,oh how i love them) not rake or mow or water or try to keep anything alive for the sake of beautifying beautiful things.
    i thought March was the lion? and April has something to do with flowers or something? showers? showers is definitely in ther somewhere.
    line four; i believe the word is actually knives not knifes.
    how does January steal souls exactly?
    also one last thing; is prayer the right word here?
    i dont know,for whatever reason i think longing,wishing maybe. prayer if you are a farmer or someone who depends upon warm soil to pay the bills. not sure maybe it's just me.
    any whay pretty good for the most part and you get a clear point across (extra points?)
    plus with the whole global warming sitchee ayshon we wont have to worry about those pesky seasons anymore,warm warm warm all the time warm.
    1
    | Posted on 2007-10-19 00:00:00 | by eno1 | [ Reply to This ]
      January is one of my least favorite months. It's always in January where I acquire this habit to number, list and count all my of habits and collections. Sometimes, I count the number of words I write, and think to myself "This is the most I've written in the past 7 days and 3 hours, 43 minutes". It's a strange ideal, that, maybe, I'll be competent enough to make accurate estimations of my successes and failures in the New Year to come. Which does remind me- this all started when I first began to believe that whatever you happen to be doing at the stroke of Midnight on the New Year is a reflection of how your life will unfold within those 12 months.

    January
    He enters like a lion
    Roaring like a billion resolutions never kept
    Sending a legion of blizzards to eat away the sun
    People are walking, assaulted by the knifes of snow that cut their faces
    Downcast eyes
    Crying tears that freeze upon their smooth cheeks


    Punctuate, please. "Downcast eyes...smooth cheeks" sounds too morbid, compared to the stronger mentions (lion, legion, assault). Try to add some more emotion, something evoking:

    January.
    He enters like a lion, and roars;
    A billion resolutions never kept.
    He sends a legion of blizzards to eat away the sun.
    People are walking, assaulted
    by the knifes of snow that cut their faces.
    Downcast eyes, in agony, shivering,
    They cry tears that freeze upon smooth cheeks



    Onward.


    Cursing January and his gloomy, winter armies
    Moving frozen legs quickly
    To reach the warm inside sanctuary
    Where they stand, still cursing him
    Praying for summer once again


    Punctuate, please. I think it would read much more pleasantly if you personified "January" in this stanza, as in:

    "Curses, Januaury!
    Your gloomy, winter armies move our
    frozen legs to reach warm sanctuary.
    We stand, we curse you,
    and we pray for summer to come again."


    January just smiles like the devil
    And steals the souls of many
    The New Year is a new death toll


    Punctuate, please. "The New Year is a new death toll." should be a separate line. It is conclusive and a different observation, completely. Also, "new" is redundent, even if it's in regards to a different aspect.

    January smiles like the devil,
    stealing the souls of many.

    The New Year, a death toll.


    This is a very descriptive analysis of the weather. I always believed February to be the coldest month (seeing that we are both from the Canads). You also use very formal, military/soldier based images as comparisons...which I find tempting to pluck.
    I enjoyed this. Winter is an amazing season. It is my (only) muse. I am a seasonal writer, sadly. Or a weather-based writer. Hahaha, fascinating work.
    | Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    149938

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry