Hands, older than mine,
Clamped on my legs like prison shackles.
The world is inverted
Upside down, left, right swaying,
Laughter of the jackals.
Frater, mei frater, mei ira!
I scream like a banshee,
Waiting to retaliate the second I am loose.
“Let me go” says I,
“Or I shall have the Master
Bring his gavel down upon thee.”
Then, I am falling,
Soft, carpeted thud,
Laughter of the jackals fleeing into the distance.
Running, I consult the Master
And call for judgment,
Like the storyteller of truth I was.
Laughter of the jackals becomes laughter no more.
| this piece unnerves me, not due to content or anything of that nature, i thoroughly enjoyed the story this piece tells, it requires a bit of thought to discern. but i'm unnerved because i see punctuation errors, and the main purpose of good punctuation use in poetry is to allow the reader to get the same flow out of the piece as the writer does when he reads it.|
these are the startstoppauses of the poetry universe, and give the poem it's structure.
2nd line could use a period.
3rd could use a colon or comma at the end
4th could use a period.
5th could use a period or comma depending on how you want it to mingle with the first latin phrase.
6th line, likewise, a period or comma depending on how you wish it to interact with the following line. a comma if that is what you are screaming, and a period if not.
8th line probably needs a period.
11th line needs a period.
12th & 13th line need punctuation of some sort, but that depends on how you wanted them to be delivered.
14th needs a period.
17th could use a period as well.
18th line needs some sort of punctuation at the end, depending on how you are using the latin phrase that closes this piece.
19th line, close this piece with a period. bring finality to it.
punctuation is fairly important (in my opinion) to making a poem structured and formed.
the best way to punctuate a piece is to read it aloud and place periods where you want to stop naturally, or seperate ideas. use commas where you want to pause momentarily and build up to something, or seperate like ideas.
i give you all this with hopes you keep writing at any rate, and enjoy yourself.
~Keegan Ryan Gilmore.
|| Posted on 2007-10-18 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ] |