The Deluge (revised) by manwithnoname

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Submission Name: The Deluge (revised) dots

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Author:	manwithnoname
ASL Info:	18/M/Ontario
Elite Ratio:	5.84 - 314/278/117
Words:	92

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	240
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	602

Description:
Here is a revised version of The Deluge. I hope this one is better.

The Deluge (revised) dots

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The floodgates are opened
Gravity, like the merciless brute he is
Pulls with all his strength towards the earth
First a drop, then a bucket, then a river
The arbiter has made his decree
In utter panic, the people run for the heights
Eating and drinking, marrying and laughing
They took no note, now their fate is sealed
The clouds are screaming missiles of wet
Swallowing up life like a blitzkrieg
Eight souls, safe, together with the animals, float above
While the people dance a dance of drowning death throws below

Submitted on 2007-09-21 18:49:59 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I enjoyed this perspective of the Great Flood.
Just enough moral undertone to make the point. So many 'moral' stories/poems take a notion and beat the reader over the head with it. Your approach is much better, imho.

I would only recommend that the line about the panic either be moved later into the piece or removed all together. You have the people running for cover then state they ignored the warnings. Slightly confusing for my mind. ;)

Good job getting a new twist on an ancient theme.

~also, 'throws' in the final like is likely 'throes', right?
| Posted on 2007-10-21 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed this perspective of the Great Flood.
Just enough moral undertone to make the point. So many 'moral' stories/poems take a notion and beat the reader over the head with it. Your approach is much better, imho.

I would only recommend that the line about the panic either be moved later into the piece or removed all together. You have the people running for cover then state they ignored the warnings. Slightly confusing for my mind. ;)

Good job getting a new twist on an ancient theme.

| Posted on 2007-10-21 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed parts of this, purely because of your brevity with imagery. The parts which didn't gel so much were the abstract parts tying people into it; perhaps there's a way to show this in a different light, in a way which gives more clarity on a three-dimensional level?

Also, one other thing I noticed is that you could condense certain lines down so that it's fuller and more rhythmic ie to take out connectives which are only filler... have a read of this and tell me what you think:

The floodgates have opened
Gravity, like the merciless brute he is
Pulls with all his strength towards the earth
First a drop, then a bucket, then a river
Falling as blue, but like a rainbow soon to come
Climbs for higher ground, they have no chance
Eating and drinking, marrying and laughing
They take no notes, their fate is sealed
Clouds, screaming missiles of wet
Swallows life, a blitzkrieg
Eight souls, safe, with the animals, float above
While people dance a dance of drowning death throes below

I guess I had to show you what I meant so you could see for yourself. Some parts I took out weren't needed, like "fast and furious the attack" when "blitzkrieg" already means this. You get what I mean? By all means, don't take this as a rude rewrite, but as something to think over.

This was a very full poem, with lots of underlying connotations; using a biblical motif such as this was a great idea to use.

Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2007-09-24 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

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