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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You Camedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: b_v_grant
    ASL Info:    23/M/Jamaica
    Elite Ratio:    3.27 - 125/118/69
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 609
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 736



    Description:
       I wrote this one for my long awaited significant other. Just wanted to share it with y'all and i hop u like it. Thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou Camedots
    -------------------------------------------



    My heart was in a state of emergency,
    My soul was escaping through so many cracks
    My body could no longer withstand the insomnia,
    Neither could my mind a matter of fact.

    You came to rescue,
    And you succeeded.
    You came to love,
    And I beleived.
    You came to plung my heart thats bleeding,
    Now I can breathe a sigh of relief.

    But now the times has really changed,
    Because my life you came and rearranged.
    Building me up block by block,
    With careful hands you really rock.

    All I want to say is thank you baby,
    For making my dreams come through.
    And in comemoration,
    I wrote this one for you




    Submitted on 2007-09-22 23:17:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is sweet, it almost made me cry. I know what it feels to be where you are. It feels awesome. I'm glad you have found that especial someone after years of alleged pain and mayhem.

    I liked your piece, it's honest. I enjoy the rhyme and I just love when you said

    "Building me up block by block,
    With careful hands you really rock"

    The ending could not have been better.

    I do have a coupe of suggestions though, first of all it seems as though you meant " as matter of fact" at the end of the first stanza which would sound much better and would make more sense, at least from where I'm standing.

    As for the second stanza maybe you could make it more personal making a few changes, which by the way are just suggestions, your call.

    You came to rescue me,
    And you succeeded.
    You came to love me,
    And I believed "it."
    You came to plunge my heart "that's" bleeding, (apostrophe missing and the “E” at the end of word “plunge”)
    Now I can breathe a sigh of relief.

    As far as grammar is concerned, I'd say that you might want to replace "has" in the first line regarding stanza 3 for “have" just for the sake of consistency.

    It does need a little brushing up but a very fine write nevertheless.


    Loved this!


    Kind regards,


    Ethan
    | Posted on 2007-10-13 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmm ok this was definately sweet a little forced with the rhyme in places and the grammar was off in others but it was still good.

    Your sista diva,
    Jay.

    P.S. i am back
    | Posted on 2007-10-02 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    9. How could it be improved?
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