The Letter I Never Wrote To Joseph by Silenced Hope

Okay
Let me state a fact
You have had a good life
And I have personally spoiled you
Because I am too scared to play parent
And whether its because I’m still a boy myself
Or the fact you still sink to throwing low blows
You have become a real brat

You have become a master of self-distraction
Burying yourself alive in a glazed coffin
Of rifles, Kevlar, and C4
The kind that never touch you
The kind that respawn at the touch
Of a button
You have earned the respect of nine year olds
With voice masks
And caffinated adults
We might find it useless
But you’re good at what you do

Okay
Let me state a fact
No one likes a martyr
And I have tried to keep from conversion
Because the whole I don’t deserve this
Woe is me thing
Is just too much when you’re trying to play savior
And failing
And whether its because I gave with open wallets
Or sacrifice just caught up with me
The martyr mentality
Has started to grip

I have become a master of hiding
In books and in work
Behind shaded glasses I can watch
The world go by
Subtle procrastination, my craft
I play a god
Providing and silent only to erupt
With floods and deaths of newborns
Judge and jury seated on tilted benches
They might find it wrong
But I’m good at what I do

We were both fascinated by locked doors peeked under
We both perfected our looks of defiance
We both came from corrupted loins
And split wombs
We both nursed the same wounds
You, with salt
Me, with saliva
But we both wore gauze and spoke of the sting

Now imagine if you will
A boy with swollen toes
Because when we were left
This is where I’d grow
In absence I grew to consume space
But I wasn’t ready for the growth
That’s why I can’t take from you
Maybe its because I’m selfish
Maybe its because I care
But I don’t know any other way

So sue me for the shirt off my back
If that’ll make us even
I can be the pack mule
For whatever you want bought
Because I’m caught in a great divide
Between you and me
And I can’t decide
And no one can help
Because if it looks like I’m leaving
And feels like I’m leaving
Then the well-wishers can’t lie
Not even to me
Not even to my face
Because they know its true
And I know its true
And since you’re getting screwed
I wont lie to you

I’m abandoning you
And that’s a fact
Throwing you to the lions
And looking back

And every phone call of
I’m so proud of you
And you’re amazing
Just drives another nail into my arm
Set on display where I don’t belong
A sinner among the ranks of saints

Consider this the confession of a would-be savior
Who remembered his hunger and ate the
Last of the bread

And it’s said it’s not my fault
That you might be better off
But I know you
And you know me
And I’m gonna miss this odd couple

You
The escape artist who swallowed the key
Me
A martyr biting at his nails
You
Living in a coffin
Me
Lost in a foxhole

I want you to know
That I know
That I could have done more
That I should have done more
And that I did fail you
In more ways than one

I’m sorry
But I need you to let me be selfish
Just one more time