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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Childhood Transgressionsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Suven7
    ASL Info:    18 female Fla
    Elite Ratio:    7.1 - 477/259/47
    Words: 232
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 89
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1361



    Description:
       I had not really grasped how merciful the Lord is, and felt that every time I did wrong I, at least, had to spend time in isolation and depression and guilt before I could be forgiven for my transgressions as a child.


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    dotsChildhood Transgressionsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In my dark and dreary
    Childhood, that only Mr. Poe
    Could so explicitly portray
    I held on to the night
    And listened to what the walls
    Might say.

    It was not really the walls
    But the spirit between them
    And me, whom I knew to be
    My God, always there
    Though I could not see.

    And I would sleep and
    In the morning awaken
    To find that my prayers
    From the night before
    Had not been forsaken.

    But later in the day
    Demons would come to
    Torment my skin, rile
    Up my passions and
    Lead me to sin.

    I harbored bad thoughts
    And bad feelings
    And all that was bad
    Was within my heart;
    But in the end, my God
    Made known that such
    Things would only
    Keep us apart.

    Apart.
    The word echoed sullenly
    In my head. I went to sleep
    That night dreading the
    Walls around my bed.

    My God awakened me at
    An ungodly state of the night.
    He stirred me from sleep
    And quickly dampened
    My fright. I knelt in bed and
    Regarded the spirit
    Between the walls and me,
    For it was my God again
    Come to embrace me.






    Submitted on 2007-09-23 15:34:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      You had an excellent beginning. You grabbed me straight into the poem and i could actually feel being absorbed from my computer screen straight into the scene of being in bed. I actually felt everything you described although the description was very vague.

    The ending is great too. The same was as the beginning. So you got an amazing beginning and an amazing ending.

    The only problem i had was your wording. I found it to be a bit too simple for your topic. I thought it would suit better if it had more descriptive words. Something that contained detail. But it's great just as it is.

    Overall nicely done.

    Cheers,

    Irina
    | Posted on 2007-09-23 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. From a critical, more analytical point of view, I must say that the flow and rhyme of the first part does not match that of the later stanzas. Not in the way they are constructed, but in the quality. In other words, I really, really like the later two stanzas. The simplicity but meaningful "Apart." serves quite well.
    On a personal note I feel a connection to this poem. The events and emotions you describe seem similar to what I have experienced, though only slightly different. Although it doesn't contain very descriptive devices, the first stanza paints a perfect picture in my head because I have often listened to the silence as well. The fourth stanza made me shiver >.>
    Overall it seemed to have a very nice circular motion. You paint a vivid picture throughout of one that is very scary, depressing, and dark, but you also show that there is light and happiness. I think this poem was inspired by more than your own experiences but from someone bigger.
    Thank you for the cheerful poem. Odd to call it that no? But it was.
    I love you,
    Andy
    | Posted on 2007-09-23 00:00:00 | by Olah89 | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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