Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Childhood Transgressions


Author: Suven7
ASL Info:    20 female Fla
Elite Ratio:    7.08 - 478 /260 /47
Words: 232
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 903
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1361



Description:


I had not really grasped how merciful the Lord is, and felt that every time I did wrong I, at least, had to spend time in isolation and depression and guilt before I could be forgiven for my transgressions as a child.


Childhood Transgressions



In my dark and dreary
Childhood, that only Mr. Poe
Could so explicitly portray
I held on to the night
And listened to what the walls
Might say.

It was not really the walls
But the spirit between them
And me, whom I knew to be
My God, always there
Though I could not see.

And I would sleep and
In the morning awaken
To find that my prayers
From the night before
Had not been forsaken.

But later in the day
Demons would come to
Torment my skin, rile
Up my passions and
Lead me to sin.

I harbored bad thoughts
And bad feelings
And all that was bad
Was within my heart;
But in the end, my God
Made known that such
Things would only
Keep us apart.

Apart.
The word echoed sullenly
In my head. I went to sleep
That night dreading the
Walls around my bed.

My God awakened me at
An ungodly state of the night.
He stirred me from sleep
And quickly dampened
My fright. I knelt in bed and
Regarded the spirit
Between the walls and me,
For it was my God again
Come to embrace me.






Submitted on 2007-09-23 15:34:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  You had an excellent beginning. You grabbed me straight into the poem and i could actually feel being absorbed from my computer screen straight into the scene of being in bed. I actually felt everything you described although the description was very vague.

The ending is great too. The same was as the beginning. So you got an amazing beginning and an amazing ending.

The only problem i had was your wording. I found it to be a bit too simple for your topic. I thought it would suit better if it had more descriptive words. Something that contained detail. But it's great just as it is.

Overall nicely done.

Cheers,

Irina
| Posted on 2007-09-23 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. From a critical, more analytical point of view, I must say that the flow and rhyme of the first part does not match that of the later stanzas. Not in the way they are constructed, but in the quality. In other words, I really, really like the later two stanzas. The simplicity but meaningful "Apart." serves quite well.
On a personal note I feel a connection to this poem. The events and emotions you describe seem similar to what I have experienced, though only slightly different. Although it doesn't contain very descriptive devices, the first stanza paints a perfect picture in my head because I have often listened to the silence as well. The fourth stanza made me shiver >.>
Overall it seemed to have a very nice circular motion. You paint a vivid picture throughout of one that is very scary, depressing, and dark, but you also show that there is light and happiness. I think this poem was inspired by more than your own experiences but from someone bigger.
Thank you for the cheerful poem. Odd to call it that no? But it was.
I love you,
Andy
| Posted on 2007-09-23 00:00:00 | by Olah89 | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



150054