Also, in another department I feel it is my duty to tell you in a world of crappy poem titles, your's rocks. A+ What a nice word. And it's hard to find words, just single words mind you that haven't been played out, but i don't know, maybe this one has too, either way it is fitting and I thought most appropriate. Thats why I read it in the first place.
This poem in my opinion has the potential to be something awesome, but it needs a serious tune up. To continue my car analogy, this is a classic car that has been abused and now drives very rough and goes clankity clank clank down the freeway. I suggest analyzing your flow pattern and rewriting trying to keep as much of what is there as possable, just smooth it out more.