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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: still she will dancedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: joeyalphabet
    ASL Info:    47/not likely/somewhere..
    Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 2178/2162/415
    Words: 163
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 308
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1140



    Description:
       My last piece, revised. Please note that I edited this and there are NO tense errors.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsstill she will dancedots
    -------------------------------------------


    oh god she’s dancing barefoot again
    on the broken glass, cutting feet and
    leave bloodied footprints in her dazzling
    sparkling turquoise dance-dream pattern of
    wounded tulle

    her luminous auroras weave for our
    benefit, to warn of amphetamine chimeras
    wait in the frigid waters to defile the
    incorruptible, tease warmth into cold
    to bend light

    pushing daisies was all the rage before
    they are all cut and placed in crystal vases
    to fade from white to oatmeal or some
    other euphemistic shade denying
    mortal silhouettes

    ‘bonanza’ is on the TV again, shadow-struggle
    against being swallowed by technological
    progress in the face of our great moral decline
    those shark-machines eat souls and spit out
    castigated bones

    our pride will be the ultimate downfall
    an easy mark for mousetrap robots to snare
    cascade of shattered lenses turned back upon
    us to mutilate flesh, a sky-drama with
    epic proportions

    still, she will dance




    Submitted on 2007-09-24 12:55:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      Quite an intriguing piece, I must say. I'm not sure if I understand a great many of your metaphores, but they are presented greatly. Maybe I'll understand them when I wake up in a few hours, heh.
    One thing I noticed was that you have a complete lack of capitalization, which could be for effect, or otherwise, though I am not sure, and that you have no punctuation that leads from one line to the other. I'm not saying that punctuation, or lack thereof, is an issue; however, it could very well help people understand why there are no tense issues, because otherwise, it very much seems there are.
    Example: In the case of
    "pushing daisies was all the rage before
    they are all cut and placed in crystal vases",
    there should be a period between the lines, as
    "pushing daisies was all the rage before.
    they are all cut and placed in crystal vases",
    So that the tenses would not get mixed up, for it is very clear that from one line to the other, in this particular situation, it is not the same sentence.
    I believe you know what I mean.
    These are merely suggestions, for I very much like the piece.

    ~Gripes of an English Major~
    | Posted on 2008-01-19 00:00:00 | by whiteshadows | [ Reply to This ]
      this piece is like a goddess dancing on still waters and Ophion glancing up at her from beneath. like a sufi turning inwards into himself declaring he saw the face of god.
    | Posted on 2007-10-24 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
      "My last piece, revised. Please note that I edited this and there are NO tense errors."...
    This, statement, made my blood curl and I send blessings 2 those that have criticism for a story of BEINg & life ~ to even make you feel as though your precious family life is something that must be "edited"; I send you many blessings that you may never feel the need to be "revised".

    Beauty is Art in birth of chaos...who knows how long shall we linger but we smile in NOW...

    Thanks for being strong enough to share and gentle enough to care

    love,peace,joy&smiles to share

    tif
    | Posted on 2007-09-24 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Against all odds, still she shall dance. Amazing! I enjoy metaphors and could read many into this piece...probably many you never intended but that's part of the enjoyment of reading. Do pen on, Sharon
    | Posted on 2007-09-24 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]


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