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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: What I seedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: the heartless
    ASL Info:    15/male/LA
    Elite Ratio:    3.46 - 24/68/43
    Words: 222
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 122
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1206



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhat I seedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I Love you
    I Hate you (you)
    I want you to live
    I want you to die (you)
    I'll make you happy
    I'll make you depressed (you)

    This is what I see when I look at any human
    As I lived and my scares grew, I just said screw em
    I try to help, and I get pain
    I try to give, and they make me insane

    Now I know what I see is true
    The hate for me in you
    You want me to die, admit it
    I will nod in acceptence

    What I see is death
    My life is regret
    I've helped as much as I could
    But I wander now if I should
    If I should of lended my hand
    Instead of making that long life stand
    I stood for others, for the ones I thought were my brothers

    What I see now, is im alone
    To never love, to never smile, to be the coldest stone
    I am the reason we kill, I am the reason our hurt is never heard
    Now I know the pain I get is what I deserve

    What I see is me
    The pain that will always be
    The character that is ment to cry
    The person that lives to die

    This is what I see




    Submitted on 2007-09-24 18:02:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hmm...I liked how you showed the dualistic nature of the relationships you have in the first stanza. Also, as the poem progresses, the reader gets the feeling that you're getting more run down and bled dry by your relationships, and if you hadn't had that first stanza in there, the reader couldn't understand why you continued those relationships. Just about anyone can relate to this piece, which is good. Just remember not to be their monkey.

    However, I think you could put it in a more...eloquent and less cliché way...maybe blunt is the word I'm looking for? I can see that your word choice needs a lot of work, as well. Think about finding THE word you want, not the first word that comes to mind. This will help to convey your emotions much better. Also if you use some sort of metaphor or imagery, that can help a lot, too. It does read pretty well, though, esp. the second and last stanzas.

    Well, I hope that this helps (and that it makes sense)
    -Emily
    | Posted on 2007-11-17 00:00:00 | by ifwinterends | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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