"All Right Now" Free =) ~*~ -------------------------------------------
"Yes, slow, don't go
2 fast", singing Free
Fire & Water
Heat & H2O
Let "IT" Whip
don't let "IT"
Skip 2 maloo...
C "IT" Be
0 1 cowers
in All Powers
Hey, just reading through poems here and there and found this wee dude. It's rather post-free verse, I think that nicely describes it.
The poem gets smaller as you read, I'm guessing that was intentional, I haven't read any of your other work yet but I'm guessing it's original. This piece is original, for sure but - let me just have another read.
It's a bit displeasing to look at but the reading of it's fun, though I'd tripped up in a few places. I like the use of random rhymes and assonance, they give the poem something, keep the reader there.
To be honest, I do not like 'H20' but maybe that's just me. Two reasons, the first is the aesthetics of the word but with regard to the rest of your poem, I don't think that matters. The second though is I think a different word may fit. Like a repetition of 'water' would work quite nicely:
'Fire & Water
Heat & Water'
or words with slightly different meanings, depending on what feeling you want to convey. For example:
'ice', 'sink-fulls', 'waterfalls', 'wet', 'flooding', 'splashes'. Just a few suggestions, if you hadn't thought about it, but if you like the sound of H20 - stick with it
I do not know what 'IT' is but the capitals and repetition obviously give it some emphasis. I won't try to figure you out. I like 'Dazz Band' and 'Skip 2 maloo'. Simple imagery with the 'Bee's' - nice lead off from the 'C "IT" Be' by the way. Is the apostrophe in there for a reason though?
I really do like your '?' in place of a 'question' by the way. When I got down to 'we left', it put emphasis on 'we' for me and I thought of two people, also with 'Imagine Me', I assumed you were addressing the other person - or the reader. But I guessed this poem was about a relationship, but I wouldn't know.
The poem gets smaller and stuff which is original but I think this poem could have a lot more if you break up some of the lines and put more words on other lines. I haven't see your other work so I can't compare. Nice concept but I think you still need to play around with ideas a lot more.
Tiff, you're getting too crazy, even for me! This is...how can I put...interesting. I like the song "All Right Now" by Free. That's a good song.
I'm just a little confused because a lot of this doesn't go together. I'm NOT saying that it's not good. It's classic Epiphany material. Only thing is, I'm stumped. Can you tell me what was going on when you wrote this?