Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "All Right Now" Free =) ~*~dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Epiphany
    ASL Info:    42/F/Universe
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 3342/2139/390
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 744
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 795



    Description:
        2 Share


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"All Right Now" Free =) ~*~dots
    -------------------------------------------


    "Yes, slow, don't go
    2 fast", singing Free
    Fire & Water
    Heat & H2O
    Imagine Me
    Let "IT" Whip
    "Dazz Band"
    don't let "IT"
    skip...
    Skip 2 maloo...
    C "IT" Be
    Bee's
    pollinating
    flowers
    Showers
    0 1 cowers
    in All Powers
    Powers
    2 BE
    2 BE
    or not
    2 BE
    is that
    the ?
    or just
    where
    we left
    off???
    Off &
    running
    & "all
    that
    glitters
    is
    gold"
    or so
    1se
    <@>
    was
    told

    !*!




    Submitted on 2007-09-24 21:34:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey, just reading through poems here and there and found this wee dude. It's rather post-free verse, I think that nicely describes it.

    The poem gets smaller as you read, I'm guessing that was intentional, I haven't read any of your other work yet but I'm guessing it's original. This piece is original, for sure but - let me just have another read.

    It's a bit displeasing to look at but the reading of it's fun, though I'd tripped up in a few places. I like the use of random rhymes and assonance, they give the poem something, keep the reader there.

    To be honest, I do not like 'H20' but maybe that's just me. Two reasons, the first is the aesthetics of the word but with regard to the rest of your poem, I don't think that matters. The second though is I think a different word may fit. Like a repetition of 'water' would work quite nicely:

    'Fire & Water
    Heat & Water'

    or words with slightly different meanings, depending on what feeling you want to convey. For example:
    'ice', 'sink-fulls', 'waterfalls', 'wet', 'flooding', 'splashes'. Just a few suggestions, if you hadn't thought about it, but if you like the sound of H20 - stick with it

    I do not know what 'IT' is but the capitals and repetition obviously give it some emphasis. I won't try to figure you out. I like 'Dazz Band' and 'Skip 2 maloo'. Simple imagery with the 'Bee's' - nice lead off from the 'C "IT" Be' by the way. Is the apostrophe in there for a reason though?

    I really do like your '?' in place of a 'question' by the way. When I got down to 'we left', it put emphasis on 'we' for me and I thought of two people, also with 'Imagine Me', I assumed you were addressing the other person - or the reader. But I guessed this poem was about a relationship, but I wouldn't know.

    The poem gets smaller and stuff which is original but I think this poem could have a lot more if you break up some of the lines and put more words on other lines. I haven't see your other work so I can't compare. Nice concept but I think you still need to play around with ideas a lot more.

    Peace,
    Camo
    | Posted on 2007-10-07 00:00:00 | by Camo Star | [ Reply to This ]
      Running busy, running free.

    Dashing around....busy and free.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      Yep, I'm in the same boat with manwithnoname on this one Tiffany. I am virtually clueless as to where you were going with this one.
    | Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by ErgoIgo | [ Reply to This ]
      ?????????

    Dear Tiff,

    Tiff, you're getting too crazy, even for me! This is...how can I put...interesting. I like the song "All Right Now" by Free. That's a good song.

    I'm just a little confused because a lot of this doesn't go together. I'm NOT saying that it's not good. It's classic Epiphany material. Only thing is, I'm stumped. Can you tell me what was going on when you wrote this?

    Sincerely,

    Confused

    ----------------

    Dear Confused,

    I understand your confusion...

    | Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    150137

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    The World written by jjd
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Cover written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Carry written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry