Explosion Divided by Spectrum Equals Vision by Secrets Unheard

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Submission Name: Explosion Divided by Spectrum Equals Vision dots

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Author:	Secrets Unheard
ASL Info:	18/m/nj
Elite Ratio:	4.25 - 84/101/48
Words:	79

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	126
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	553

Description:
I was watching Pan's Labyrinth when I read this.

Explosion Divided by Spectrum Equals Vision dots

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As I sit here instructing on the writer's
tools. I forget my next thought, on correcting these
mistakes

Do you hear the thousand mocking-doves a singing?
Dressed in black.
A sheep in wolves clothing.

This heavy breathing sends shivers up my spine. It frightens me.
This underground world seems wonderful.
No lies. No Pain

Hit my spine with a metal bat.
My blood is a river of ultraviolet Lily pads.
What iS abstract?

NothiNG

Submitted on 2007-09-24 22:28:52 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
This is a very interesting write. I cannot get behind the thoughts that are behind this poem.

I cringed at the metal bat line, and smiled at the lilypads. I adored them.

Your choice of capitilization is curious. Any reasonings behind them? Overall, I liked it very much.

You did a good job with this. Thanks for sharing!

-Mika-
| Posted on 2007-09-26 00:00:00 | by redskye | [ Reply to This ]
I think this needs a bit of work. You have good word choice, but it is my opinion that you need to reformat your system of organization a little bit. Your first sentence is not actually a proper sentence, and that threw me off right away. Also, I think starting off with 'as I' (do something) is a weak beginning, and the introduction to your poem should carry a bit more weight. I like the second stanza, especially about the mocking-doves. However, I think you overuse incomplete sentences with periods. Generally that's a tactic used to make a strong, unforgettable statement, but you have lots of them in this poem and it makes them less startling; it gets your point across less strongly.

I also think it is a little clichéd when you have the frightening heavy breathing. Where did it come from, anyhow? Maybe you need to take this poem and add a little meat to it.

But I really like the river of ultraviolet lily pads. You have phrases in here that I adore, and I think you should craft them into something stronger and greater.

Good luck! And thanks for sharing.
| Posted on 2007-09-24 00:00:00 | by awastedsky | [ Reply to This ]

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