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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Break My Heartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rainin_Raspbery
    ASL Info:    22/F/Edmonton/AB/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.45 - 145/140/109
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 772
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 965



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBreak My Heartdots
    -------------------------------------------



    It's Been So Long,
    It's Almost Asif YOu Said,
    So Long,
    This Love Of Our's Is Gone,
    Although Our Feelings Were So Strong,
    Yeah,
    We Were Young,
    Even Worse We Were Dumb,
    Yeah Dee Yeah,
    We Didnt Understand...,
    The Meaning Of Our Love,
    T ' was Just So Easy,
    But Then One Day,
    YOu Ran,Ran, Ranaway,
    And That Day,
    My Heart Sank,
    And Continues To Forget Beating,
    And NOw Everyday I Cry....

    Break My Heart,
    Tare,Tare It Apart,
    Eat It Alive,
    Make My Heat Ache In Surprise,
    Cause You've Got,Got...
    These Tears A Flow,Flow,FLowin',
    These Feet Are Stumb,Stumb,Stumblin,
    Cause My Minds Closed,
    And Im Forever Toking,
    Cause Your Not Here,
    Guiding Me,
    You Just Walked Away,
    With Only One Wha,ispisp,er (Whisper) In The Ear.




    Submitted on 2007-09-24 23:57:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'm in a quandry here. I'm not sure if you loaded this piece with typos and misspellings on purpose and for effect of if you just didn't bother proofing it before you posted it?
    | Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by ErgoIgo | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good
    A real deepand honest portrayel of your emotion
    I couldnt help but thinkof Janis Joplin or 3 Non Blondes reading this
    Not only is it Great poetry but the style you wrote this in is really really quite good musically
    I disagree with awastedsky tremendously I did not find this cliché at all
    In fact I found it refreshingley origanel
    GREAT JOB
    Looking forward to reading more from you in the future
    God Bless
    Ron
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Alright. It seems as though you write to get your feelings out, which is perfectly acceptable. But if you want your poetry to be worthy of literary merit, you might want to think it through a little bit more. Ask yourself exactly what you want to say, and have your poem be meeting or fulfilling some objective.

    Your poem here is very clichéd. That's okay if it's meaningful, because clichés exist after occurring again and again. We've all probably felt this way, and can all probably relate. But clichés are also heard many times, and it makes any clichéd poetry less unique, and consequently less interesting.

    It's Been So Long,
    It's Almost Asif YOu Said,
    So Long,
    This Love Of Our's Is Gone,
    Although Our Feelings Were So Strong,


    You use repetition here, and you've got the idea. It's often an effective poetic tool. You also have rhyme, and while it's difficult to master, you certainly are getting the hang of it. The first line is an acceptably strong opening, so good job on that.

    Yeah,
    We Were Young,
    Even Worse We Were Dumb,
    Yeah Dee Yeah,

    This part almost makes your poem sound like a song. Maybe that's how you meant it! Cool. Anyhow, the phrase 'yeah dee yeah' gives your depressing poem a refreshing lighthearted feel, which is a nice add-on.

    We Didnt Understand...,
    The Meaning Of Our Love,
    T ' was Just So Easy,


    I completely grasp what you mean here, but I think the t'was is a little out of place. You're using modern day English language; no need to arbitrarily add in older forms of words that aren't commonly used. I think it distracts the reader from the point you are making.

    But Then One Day,
    YOu Ran,Ran, Ranaway,
    And That Day,
    My Heart Sank,
    And Continues To Forget Beating,
    And NOw Everyday I Cry....


    This is where I would suggest that you alter your point or idea a bit. Sad and depressing sometimes describes life, but it isn't unique at all, and you're going to lose a lot of your readers on this part of your poem. Maybe use some metaphors, or imagery, or just be more descriptive if you are really attached to this part of your poem.

    Break My Heart,
    Tare,Tare It Apart,


    You should change the spelling of 'tear.' Here's the title of your poem emerging. Beginning of the second stanza and you strongly get your point across.

    Eat It Alive,
    Make My Heat Ache In Surprise,


    This throws off your rhyme scheme a little because the rhyme is not as accurate as a lot of your other rhymes are.

    Cause You've Got,Got...
    These Tears A Flow,Flow,FLowin',
    These Feet Are Stumb,Stumb,Stumblin,
    Cause My Minds Closed,
    And Im Forever Toking,
    Cause Your Not Here,
    Guiding Me,
    You Just Walked Away,
    With Only One Wha,ispisp,er (Whisper) In The Ear.


    Now you heavily use repetition, but it seems random and out of place with the rest of your poem lacking such repetition. Your voice gets stronger as the poem draws to a close, but you can have the same effect without repeating words a lot. I like the last line of the poem. It seems dramatic and brings the poem to a quiet close after all of the loudness in the rest of your poem, and it's a good rhyme.

    Nice work! Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by awastedsky | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece I was reading 2 Doors "Love Her Madly", and <@> felt a surreal piece of "Break My Heart";

    "Yeah,
    We Were Young,
    Even Worse We Were Dumb,
    Yeah Dee Yeah,
    We Didnt Understand...,"

    Sayin, "All around the World the same song"...

    love,peace,joy&smiles 2 Share
    tif
    | Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    150147

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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