Alice has left the Wonderland by Poly Jean

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Submission Name: Alice has left the Wonderland dots

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Author:	Poly Jean
ASL Info:	31/f/FarAway
Elite Ratio:	4.46 - 382/259/68
Words:	142

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	1256
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	841

Description:
It's totally raw and random, I know. Just so many things in my head...I definitely need help on this one.

The more i read this the more I'm convinced that this is very bad poem.I'm helpless

Alice has left the Wonderland dots

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Slightly cold, just enough for you to know
that my fire inside can’t burn me to dust.
Here, there and everywhere around you,
My wonderland
and you will yearn to walk in,
but I’m distant and fading under your fingertips
like this mornings mist.

And you are stabbing me
stabbing me stabbing me in the dark
but there is no pain, no blood
‘cause I have hearth no more
this confused face hides the hunger of a vampire
that has risen, from a cage, from a prison.
Devil got my soul, long before you came
and I welcomed you, the cutest apprentice
with eyes of a fallen angel.

You lied, and go on
lie to me, put a smile on my face
lie to me baby, your lies speak more
than my short skirt.

Submitted on 2007-09-25 02:41:54 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I think you have something here between the sexy talk and being pissed off(smile) It might need a little work, but I don't think much and you will have a great poem! Anyway thanks for sharing.
Kelley Frost
| Posted on 2007-12-19 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this. It's raw, it's a little racy, and the speaker speaks like a connoisseur of debauchery. I loved the phrase "the cute apprentice with eye of the fallen angel" I don't know why, but it really struck a chord with me. Also, the opening lines really pulled me with a vice-like grip. The image of the repeated stabbing of your soulless body was intriguing, though painfully saddening.

Awesome write,

Lady
| Posted on 2007-12-09 00:00:00 | by LadyChaos | [ Reply to This ]
  realising you wrote this a while ago and may have moved beyond the place from which you wrote this i would encourage you to come back and revisit it.

it is raw and it is random and there are a couple of places where it gets a little too close to angst for my liking but i think it has potential.
i have seen some cool things done with the image of alice in wonderland over the time ive been on this site.

the end with the lies and the short skirt seems a little confusing to me. im under the impression that you are alluding to the little skirt thing that alice wears in the cartoons but i cannot help but think you are trying to say something else or perhaps you are opening the game up for the reader to think you mean more than you do...

imagine being alice outside of wonderland. even though she isnt from wonderland i do not remember much of her in the outside world other than when she is talking to her cat [whose name i forget]. imagine being alice knowing what she knows from wonderland and trying to show people what she has seen. its like travelling the country and coming home to show your friends photos of magic moments/places and theyre like oh right.

leaving of wonderland in this piece makes me think of the honeymoon period of a relationship/budding romance has come to a conclusion and she has found him to be a liar among other things...

i would interested to see what you would change if you were to revisit this piece. i think it could be a whole lot more but it is well on its way as it is.
| Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this poem is actually rather potent, powerful and profoundly sad and poignant. My only quetion is the word "hearth", which confuses me hear (heart??), but other than this I think this a dark though excellent poem.... bravo... bravo... bravo....
| Posted on 2007-10-09 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
  The first group you have there is interesting except the first line and the last line. whe you say slightyl cold it makes me think that he is touching you. and at the end of this group it seems as though he tries to touch you but ur too transparent for him to feel you or your presence.
| Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by Napastak | [ Reply to This ]
  It would seem to me that the communication mechanisms between you and this other person are faulty at best and incoherent at worst.
| Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by ErgoIgo | [ Reply to This ]
  it is interesting and it leaves much to the interpration of the reader...
the title brings to my mind of the lost of innocence or wonderment...
it somehow seems to me that the 3 verses can do with more expansion but i not sure about that,

the way you end your first verse makes me feel like there is someone manipulating/controling you till there is little of yourself left, morning mist...

the second makes me feel of the confusion, regret, mostly negative emotions of how you feel about the situation/person...

the last tells me of how well you know that person, how even behind all the lies you still understand that person(either you think so or you know so)

sorry if i was really out of line but my brain not really working that well
^.^
sorry
| Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by rubymoon | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow is this good
I mean really really good
To me you are speaking of a woman that is feeling her worth shrink because she feels age has reduced her beauty or roll in life
You could also be speaking of how a predjudice male feels a woman is only good when she is young and so full of beauty and life
I assure you not all males feel this way for I am a 38 year old mmale who dosent
Again excellent job with this
Very Well Written
God Bless
Ron
Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.