21 by Memphis

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Submission Name: 21 dots

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Author:	Memphis
ASL Info:	21/f/Right Here
Elite Ratio:	5.13 - 130/158/31
Words:	55

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	101
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	354

Description:

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I try to sip you,
But you’re too foul
To take in moderation.
So I down you quickly,
Hard and fast,
Like a shot of whiskey.

And I’m immune,
Only for the first few moments.
Five minutes later
I’m face-down,
Lying on your floor
As if the rest of the world is gone.

Submitted on 2007-09-25 09:34:37 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I try to sip you,
But you’re too foul
To take in moderation.
So I down you quickly,
Hard and fast,
Like a shot of whiskey.

And I’m immune,
Only for the first few moments.
Five minutes later
I’m face-down,
Lying on your floor
As if the rest of the world is gone.

Despite the reference to alcohol and a previous comment regarding a relationship, I'm more likely to believe this is a description of someone waiting a lifetime to be a 'legal' adult, and then being overwhelmed by the freedom/responsibilty that's a large part of the package. It is interesting how short a duration the immunity from temptation is.

Nicely done
Bill
| Posted on 2007-09-27 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow simple and descript with a very punchy message. Love it.

This one could be about alcohol. I don't see that however. You draw a very great parallel with "Like a shot of Whiskey" that seems to say to me that theres a little more going on here than just drinking.

Excellent way of expressing your thoughts with a very simple writing. Thanks for sharing!

Dan.
| Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by swiftless | [ Reply to This ]
  I hate looking through the Writing's Section, and seeing that a poem has 7 views, and only 1 comment. That's slightly depressing. So I decided to make you 2 for 8, which is 1 for 4, which is a lot better than 1 for 7. Yeah. So anyway.

When I first saw this title, I immediately thought of liberation. Only to find out I was wrong. And it wasn't about alcohol either, as ALEX below me seems to think, but I guess it's all perception.

You did a really good job on comparing someone to alcohol. How you can't just slowly ease into them, you have to take them head on and face the consequences after the rush of happiness and satisfaction is over with. (Or at least that's what I felt you were trying to convey). The imagery you create with your vague words is actually astonishing. For example, your first stanza can intimate many things. The comparison between this person and alcohol. And also, if you'll excuse me, a woman giving "oral sex", and comparing it to taking a shot of whiskey.

It's brilliant, whether you meant it to be or not.
| Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]
  21... as soon as I saw this title I thought alcohol. And when I started reading it I discovered that I was correct. I thought this was clever because this poem could be taken many different ways. The most obvious would be perhaps you just turned 21, and "discovered" alcohol, and this is your feelings toward it. However the lines:

"So I down you quickly,
Hard and fast,
Like a shot of whiskey."

Tell me that you've tasted alcohol before so perhaps you are using alcohol as a metaphor for something else? And the "you's" in this poem hints that this might be a person that you are writing about or just a different kind of liquor that you've never had before.

My favorite line was "As if the rest of the world is gone." It was just a great line to end this write. It almost instills a feeling of bliss and joy that people look for at the bottom of the shot glass.

Good job, and thanks for sharing.

| Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by screamALEX | [ Reply to This ]

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