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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I am medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: manderz_1207
    ASL Info:    15/f/mi
    Elite Ratio:    5.45 - 95/109/38
    Words: 189
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 659
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1160



    Description:
       I actually wrote this for a Write Right class I took last year but I really liked the outcome. Please let me know what I can do to improve it. Thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI am medots
    -------------------------------------------


    She cries and she screams at the top of her lungs,
    if only you could see her, the pain shes in.
    Maybe you would change your mind,
    maybe you would help her.

    Or then again maybe not,
    maybe you'd still walk out on her.
    She needs you now, more than ever before,
    yet there you are, violent words galore.

    All she needs is a "yes" or even "I guess",
    to help her get rid of the pain she's been dealt.
    She never asked for this, can't you see?
    it just happened, now she cries out for thee.

    She doesn't ask for much from you,
    in fact she asks for nothing at all.
    Just grant her this one wish,
    "please don't let me fall?"

    "Please let me be all I can be,
    and deal the cards, that god dealt me.
    I know I can prove how strong I am,
    even without them all along.

    There is but one of me,
    and if you look you'll see.
    I am the strongest I can be,
    I am not perfect, but please help me"






    Submitted on 2007-09-26 03:28:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with the last commenter. This is more of a prose than a song. And if you wanted it to be more of a song I suggest that you keep a steady pace with the rhyming. What I mean is making sure that you keep that in all your stanzas you make sure that either (for example) the 1st and 3rd lines in all of them are the ones that rhyme. I guess I'll use an example of what I mean from your work.

    here you have:
    "Or then again maybe not,
    maybe you'd still walk out on her.
    She needs you now, more than ever before,
    yet there you are, violent words galore."

    and here you have:
    "She doesn't ask for much from you,
    in fact she asks for nothing at all.
    Just grant her this one wish,
    "please don't let me fall?"

    in the first set your 3rd and fourth lines rhyme and in the second one your second and fourth rhyme. my suggestion is that if you want this to be more like a song and have a better flow you should keep the same lines as the ones that rhyme through the whole thing. anyways I won't bother you with that anymore. other than that I do believe this has potential also and maybe you will improve it? if not thats ok too (I never edited my stuff when people suggested it =P but it was out of laziness). haha.


    Bren
    | Posted on 2007-09-26 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm, interesting. To be honest i red the first two stanzas then left, but i hate it when people do that so i came back, read ALL of the poem and have come to a conclusion. It's sounds more like it should be prose, although the poem format is suitable. But my concern is that, I don't quite get what you're trying to say with it. Why does she need help? why is she falling?

    It has potential. The last stanza was, it seemed to sorta not fit. The reason is becuase in the first stanzas it's talking about how she needs help, and no one is helping her or might and might not. Then you have this last piece, that's talking about I am the only me and i'm not perfect. So maybe you could re-write it and sort of explain how those two ideas fit together...?

    I loved the last line the most though. Very Much.

    Hope I Help :)
    Misty
    | Posted on 2007-09-26 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]


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    150217

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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