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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: hold my handdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: taintedsmiles
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 64/90/75
    Words: 193
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1005
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1186



    Description:
       we all feel alone because no one understands...all you really want is someone there


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshold my handdots
    -------------------------------------------


    i am utterly alone
    and no one seems to understand
    everything is faded
    and i'm grasping life from a thin strand

    i am utterly alone
    i am empty deep within
    and no one seems to understand
    that's they i've always been

    i am utterly alone
    and all i ever do is cry
    as i sit and hold myself
    and desperstely wish to die

    dear god if you're listening
    please tell me what to do
    even though i keep on praying
    i get no help, no answer from you

    i push to make it through the day
    as every second hurts
    i hate to go to sleep to find
    that tomorrow maybe worse

    i hear footsteps in my mind
    telling me i need to get away
    too afraid that if i go
    i know i have no place to stay

    i pain to stay here alone
    Escape, get out, and just leave
    There always something holding me back
    Holding me under no chance to breathe

    i am utterly alone
    and no one seems to understand
    all i want is someone there
    sit close and hole my hand




    Submitted on 2007-09-26 12:48:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      y'know, i'll skip the critiquing part because sometimes it's so unnecessary, and i don't think you particulary want it, do you?

    these pieces need to be written, and even though we don't know each other, have a hug from me, because i understand and empathise, i really do. i was like this when i was younger, questioning my sh.itty life, questioning god, questioning my purpose, my existence, my path, my... lots of things.

    hopefully, you'll find some spark of light to hold onto and cherish. i really hope that.
    *hugs*
    ~
    | Posted on 2008-02-19 00:00:00 | by silent strings | [ Reply to This ]
      This may be a long comment, so bear with me. I've developed a habit of going line-by-line on longer pieces, to try and dissect what they're about.

    "i am utterly alone
    and no one seems to understand
    everything is faded
    and i'm grasping life from a thin strand"

    It's a common enough image and sentiment, but still serviceable. The last line has too many syllables; it impedes the flow, so you might want to consider rephrasing it in a way that you can keep the rhyme.

    "i am utterly alone
    i am empty deep within
    and no one seems to understand
    that's they i've always been"

    Repetition of the original words is a good move--you nail down the rhythm and the idea you're trying to get across by doing that the way you did. However, the last line needs fixed. Is it supposed to be "that's the way I've always been"?

    "i am utterly alone
    and all i ever do is cry
    as i sit and hold myself
    and desperstely wish to die"

    You actually hit a good rhythm here. It flows well.

    "dear god if you're listening
    please tell me what to do
    even though i keep on praying
    i get no help, no answer from you"

    It's around this point that your lack of punctuation and case gets slightly odd. I think that perhaps you should consider making this more formal by capitalizing and putting punctuation in. This would have the added bonus of making it stand out from other poems of this type, which unfortunately seem to be taking over more every day. The fact that this seems sincere makes it all the more right that it should stand out. (If you should decide to do so, incidentally, make sure you capitalize God in that line. Otherwise it's generic and your reader can't be sure which one you mean--for all we know you could be calling on Marduk or Zeus or something.) The last line in this stanza seems to have more syllables than it should again, but that's repairable.

    "i push to make it through the day
    as every second hurts
    i hate to go to sleep to find
    that tomorrow maybe worse"

    I recommend changing "as" in the second line to "and" and putting a space between may and be in the last line. "Maybe" isn't correct in that position.

    "too afraid that if i go
    i know i have no place to stay"

    No problems with the rest of the stanza, but these two have no connection between them whatsoever. You might want to have a second look at that.

    "i pain to stay here alone
    Escape, get out, and just leave
    There always something holding me back
    Holding me under no chance to breathe"

    is an example in poor flow. Let me know what you think of this arrangement:

    "I pain to stay here all alone:
    escape, get out, just leave--
    and yet something still holds me back
    I don't have a chance to breathe."

    Read your edit aloud, then mine. I think you'll notice a difference.

    Finally, there should be a "to" in the last line. Otherwise it sounds like you're addressing the reader and telling them to hold your hand, which overall doesn't seem quite right.

    This is a strongly emotional piece. Overall, the flow is above average for writers our age, and you put the idea across easily without any references to cutting whatsoever, which is definitely a plus. It just needs a little structural reworking.


    --crimson
    | Posted on 2007-09-28 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      Finding that special someone who will be there for you and hold your hand through good and bad makes all the difference. Sometimes that person appears unexpectedly when you least expect it. The sadness and longing in your poem tugged at my heartstrings, but life will get better than this. Sharon
    | Posted on 2007-09-26 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    150237

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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