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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Of Strings and Balloonsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ANGELO
    ASL Info:    22/Male/Manila Phil
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 1376/787/142
    Words: 366
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 411
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2330



    Description:
       I posted this yesterday. But it was far too raw to connect with anyone. So I'm posting an edited version. I hope you like it. If you don't, please don't hesitate to tell me what you think needs to be done in order for me to improve it.

    It's good to be back.
    -
    This is for my cousin - the mirror may lie, but the courage to look at it and the ability to be proud afterwards does not.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOf Strings and Balloonsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She’s the kind who would finger her nose in the subway;
    gallantly plumped in her body cast jeans
    with the mellow dramatics of purple eye shadows left
    Christian Diored on her late Friday nights.

    And she smells like cigarettes hung out to dry
    by the Def Leppard shirts and the pink leather skirts,
    and the haggard intentions of hand-beaten drama
    colliding with all but the lines on her face.

    And the lights would toy with the reach of her eyes;
    telling tales about dreams that would crowd Avenida
    geometries meant to hold breeze from the sea and
    gracefully Swan Laked girls in the dark
    flinging arms that elope with the modest staccato of
    baritones mending the hush of the night.

    And the winds, of course, are very unkind;
    beating lips that would only be kissed out of lust,
    hurling waves that would claim all her marks on the shore
    and coldly conniving with corpulent curvatures
    meant to decode in her gibbering language
    the smirk in one’s eye at the sight of love handles.

    But all I could do is pry open her laugh,
    come to terms with the clamor of the city-fast cars and
    provide her the color of gutter-blood streets
    with the hounding of sirens to butcher the baritones
    Swan Laked girls have learned how dance to. And

    we would write improvised songs, she and I;
    with the notes Copperfielding the bruise on her gleam
    and the grasped imperfections that rupture her scream.
    And of course I would string every word to her cover;
    a gown of a chorus to hide every curve,
    a sunglass resolve that would drape her eye shadows and
    symphonies restless in guarding her spark.

    But she would just sputter these songs at the cars
    while I keep them in sheets, and they gather in fleets
    to encompass an image-based, paraphrased resonance
    tied to a writing that stretches the seas, and
    forces the winds to a soft-spoken future where

    I will grow heavy for harboring words
    and she will float by with her wind-beaten lips
    and the smell of cigarettes hung out to dry;

    an easy sight for an aging eye.




    Submitted on 2007-09-26 22:31:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Holy Kung-fu kittens Batman! I thought that I had commented on this one....maybe just started a critique in my head...well anywayz, sorry for the late whatever ya want to call it, haha. Haha, what an introduction, you probably think I'm a nut or something lmao!
    First off this is a very (and i do mean very) heartfelt poem. Your cousin sounds like an awesome person, and for me, I am glad that you have someone like that in your life. And not to sound....well for lack of a better word, 'cliché' I would just like to say that I can find similarities in myself in contrast to the words that I have read. It was awhile ago that I first took a gander at this poem..and *shakes head* i SO thought that I had already posted a comment, but sadly it was not so. And just for the sake of saying it, this poem inspired me to write a poem (ironically a lil about my cous...and also, kind of seperate?). If you ever want to read it, just feel free to ask (it's not posted on my page...). And lo siento por favor! I got wayyy off track there.....whooo. (that was me letting out a breath lol) I hope to Carlos that you showed this to your cous....I love to think about the time you put into it, and that makes me think of how much you care for her. ^_^ sigh. I haven't much else to say, except to keep pushing the impression that this was an insanely incredible write. I thank you so much for sharing. Peace and inspiration hon.

    Duv
    | Posted on 2008-05-04 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      This verseform and special figurative language of yours is probably the result of so much work and so much need to do it; I can't comment for your stuff on that level yet, but anyway I was most entertained, instructed and delighted by this poem ! The two characters in it are really tying knots in the wiggly thread of fate; I was starting to imagine a whole serial on TV or else a novel about them -- people seen vividly for a second in a passing subway train can make me wonder about them, like this poem does.
    | Posted on 2008-02-28 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      the rhythm and meter in this piece was incredible. I'm still stunned that I couldn't see it until I actually read the ending, then reread it over and over again. I love it, it's wonderful.

    I think that it's a heavy piece, just hazarding a guess. It never seems like the flow is broken, so I feel like it's been this was for awhile. Maybe that's just me.

    Wishing for more
    ~Brian
    | Posted on 2007-12-11 00:00:00 | by Imadjinn | [ Reply to This ]
      *mwah* Hallo you lovely soul. Yes, I haven't been around for a very loong time. Haven't read commented or written. So, you'll forgive me if my comment is disjointed, inarticulate and less than poetic. You are translucent in your poetry. I still find that a lot of it is like a lover's morning breath - somehow pleasant because of the person it is part of, a little warmly dank and darkly intimate and reflective of our own similar state (does this make sense?) Anyhow, this piece reads like a song (I'd like to hear the tune that accompanies it). The words are intermittently melodical and rhythmic and has echoes of a refrain somewhere. The imagery is astounding and I love the way you observe; fondly accepting the imperfections for what they are. Your honesty, keen observation and the ability to let us in on it all makes this a nother magical piece. Your a beam of light perched on a ragged edge. Not to warn the passing ships away, but to invite a new perspective. To show that while one cannot walk on the water, one can stand on that windswept edge and be seen there by one and all.
    Lots of Love,
    Daryl
    | Posted on 2007-11-28 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      (I apologize for taking so long to comment back)

    You're like me, but softer...or maybe I'm mistaking softness for hope.

    I'm not entirely sure.

    (I think breeze needs an 's' at the end of it, though that might just be in my reading)

    I'm not too terribly great at critiquing the thoughts and sentiments behind the pieces. I'm more the type for logic and form.

    This is very, very well edited. I am surprised. I doubt - even raw - that it would be difficult to connect with. There is a lovely blend here of the beauty and the ugly, the streets and the alleys.

    I am curious, though, did you study English in school more than typically required of students? You seem to have the best English form I've seen on this site.
    | Posted on 2007-11-08 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the energy and city-at -night neon and cars zooming past feeling this manages to place as a background to the poem itself...which has a verbal brassiness and hip swing to it that works perfectly , there is on line that felt uneven to me... "gracefully Swan Laked girls in the dark [ened balconies]
    flinging arms that elope with the modest staccato of
    baritones mending ...
    that would be my suggestion to give the line the jounce and juciness the opening stanzas effortlessly seem to breathe out.
    then a little pickiness..drop the "the"
    "and [ the] grasped imperfections that rupture her scream.
    And of course I would string every word to her..."

    this entire stanza is thematically important, but seemed forced, as though you were drawing back and being critically aware of the tension and not quite fitting as tightly as you thought...or? it felt less cohesive than the rest...

    the ned is wonderful,
    But she would just sputter these songs at the cars
    while I keep them in sheets, and they gather in fleets
    to encompass an image-based, paraphrased resonance
    tied to a writing that stretches the seas, and
    forces the winds to a soft-spoken future where

    I will grow heavy for harboring words
    and she will float by with her wind-beaten lips
    and the smell of cigarettes hung out to dry;

    an easy sight for an aging eye.


    r[perhaps "an easy sight for regarding with an aging old eye"

    but i think your ending has a quiet silence that makes the enrgy and the relationship nurturing...so ..

    my over all impression...brilliant, in scope, detail, feel and almost has taste! kudos.

    koster
    ps, thank you for your very kind comments on wRECKER'S bALL
    | Posted on 2007-10-16 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]
      great peice, Angelo. Love how you used imagery to paint the person underneath. You made your cousin's mere exisitance art, something she can do easily, and something that you can chew on and transform. This interesting. I am going to bookmark it and revisit, just dont erase it okay?
    | Posted on 2007-10-07 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      You painted a pretty good picture here Angelo
    I can picture her in my head.

    She's the kind of girl who would pick her nose in the subway hehe
    If I was with someone in my younger day and they picked their nose in public I would laugh so loud people around us would be looking right at us.Forgive me I have a strange sense of humor,To me it's funny to someone else it would be embarassing.
    She is plump you say and I say good she has love handles.To me there is nothing wrong with that.
    And those who snicker at her thats their bag to deal with it just shows how shallow some people can be.
    Because beauty comes from the inside to me the outside is just a shell.
    I'm glad she has a cousin like you to be by her side when she is down on herself.
    And you get her laughing and help her forget why she is sad.
    As time goes by and she gets older I hope she comes to love herself for who she is.
    | Posted on 2007-09-29 00:00:00 | by deluka | [ Reply to This ]
      this is most beautiful that i am going to one finger left hand type you a comment... bear with me here...


    your dedication with which you open this piece is the most beautiful thing ive ever read... being one who frequently wrestles with mirrors [as i am sure many girl people do] there is promise in your dedication... not that the mirror will change but that the eyes that look into the mirror will change...

    i love the way you have constructed this piece... your vocab is impressive and it seems to me there is not one word out of place or excess.

    i like the way the characters interact and the way you paint them. the way you pass judgement on no one but obviously wonder at the way we are...

    you paint her to be so real.
    swan lake girls seems somewhat derrogatory somehow... maybe just fake and airbrushed...
    and thats the thing about beauty and all girls aspire to be these days...
    but she is real as if you are trying be the mirror... some times its easier to look into mirrors that arent threatening or mocking...

    the end brings sadness and hope.
    the heaviness of you, who can see the true image of this girl.who can see the beauty in the way she presents herself and all she aspires to me...
    and then the old eyes thing... when we get through the agonising 'gotta be more' stage and realise that 8% of the world are supermodels and move on... when we can see beauty for what it truely is instead of what the media wants it to be this season and i guess the knowledge and hope that she will see this some day too...

    just beautiful angelo...
    as always you seem to have grabbed the heart of human weakness/vulnerability and painted it in a different light.

    i love having you back
    | Posted on 2007-09-28 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      But she would just sputter these songs at the cars
    while I keep them in sheets, and they gather in fleets
    to encompass an image-based, paraphrased resonance
    tied to a writing that stretches the seas, and
    forces the winds to a soft-spoken future where

    I will grow heavy for harboring words
    and she will float by with her wind-beaten lips
    and the smell of cigarettes hung out to dry;

    an easy sight for an aging eye.



    Neither will you float for that implies freedom that someone of gravity cannot possess. So pregnant with words and fecund with spells, you'll hope to enlighten what life cannot touch, for she has built armor that cannot be pierced by the cares she ignores that corrupted all mirrors. And why should she blame herself for being who she is? You'd love to refine what she has apparently accepted as fact - 'I'm not perfect, but I am comfortable, even if that comfort can only attract old men.'

    Nice to see you back again. About time.

    Take care
    Bill
    | Posted on 2007-09-27 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      To String a Balloon...in order to keep it from flying away?

    I don't know why you insisted on changing it. I mean, this revise is excellent, and there are some good changes, but it was good at first.

    I'm actually kind of glad that you changed "humpbacked" to "grow heavy". I think that is a better word choice.

    So this girl, is she really that...um...well-rounded? Or is it all in her mind? Several times in the poem you refer to her with the words plump, corpulent, "love handles", etc.

    Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder. She may view herself that way but I bet if I saw a picture of her I'd call her beautiful. A little fat is good. It keeps you warm and it keeps you from looking like a runway model (*shiver*).

    Anyways, good to see that you've made some little minor tweakings and stuff.

    Keep colliding with life!
    | Posted on 2007-09-27 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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