Description: I used a "fox" as a euphemism for a woman. This poem shows how a woman will hunt the "heart" of a man, and then the man will fall in love and hunt for the "fox", the woman.
I made a little revision and changed "stars" to "trees". Much more sylvan.
A fox, red and lustrous -------------------------------------------
A fox, red and lustrous
Will make sick the heart of a man
And he will constantly
Set a trap for it
Then that fox, when captured
Will melt the heart of the man
And lead him down
A white lace road
Then that fox, after leading the man
Will multiply the trees of the forest
And will raise them
To grow higher than the sun
And when a tree has reached his full height,
He will behold a fox, silver and shining.
Then he will become sick at heart
And fall into the soft undergrowth
That we call love.
This is a great poem.
Your poems (I read quite a few) possess a mysterious, ominous quality about them. They sound like they're coming straight from the mouth of a minstrel...
Organic, that's the word I'm looking for, your poems are organic , earthy. I guess that's why i didn't like the word choice "multiply"(it sounds cold but that's my personal bias), however "will raise them To grow higher than the sun" needs rephrasing to avoid redundancy (raise vs grow higher). I think you should keep on working on it, this poem has a beautiful imagery. Also, you might consider changing the future to present tense just to see and compare.
The last stanza is my favorite
"
And when a tree has reached his full height,
He will behold a fox, silver and shining.
Then he will become sick at heart
And fall into the soft undergrowth
That we call love."
I was thinking of writing it this way:
"And when a tree his full height has reached
will behold a fox, silverly and shining..."
But that's just a suggestion, your poem is great to play with.
Awesome dipiction of love and life and the whole cycle of the world of men. You hit the nail quite squarely on the head here.
A fox, red and lustrous
Will make sick the heart of a man
And he will constantly
Set a trap for it
First they make you sick, then they make you work so they can continue to do so.
Then that fox, when captured
Will melt the heart of the man
And lead him down
A white lace road
Then after all that work, when you think that you've finally captured the fox, she puts upon you a golden shackle. Not only that she makes you love her for it. Ah well, better to love than not, I believe. The end is well worth the means.
Nice write.
"A fox, red and lustrous
Will make sick the heart of a man
And he will constantly
Set a trap for it"
first thing i notice is how you use a comma but then leave the rest of this stanza without punctuation, wow cant believe i spelt that right.
Wow i love the symbolic uses you put into this. It explains alot without feeding us the information you allow us to see from a poetic point of veiw, i actually admire this type of poetry if it isnt to over blown, which you havent done thank god
"Then that fox, when captured
Will melt the heart of the man
And lead him down
A white lace road"
Wow...it's beautiful. Thought the only thing that this reminds me of is it almost sounds like a manual...i know weird but that may be because i have had little sleep if any last night... my favorite line for this is
"A white lace road" its beautiful and i havent heard anyone use this yet so its not really an over used symbol in poetry. Very original.
"Then that fox, after leading the man
Will multiply the stars of the world
And will raise them
To become brighter than a thousand suns"
I really cannot find any fault with this stanza and usually i like to have a constructive criticism but really these words are wonderful. I truly enjoy reading this piece of yours.
"And if a star becomes a man
Then he too will become sick at heart
One day"
Does that mean a child is born out of this love? or am i looking to deep into a shallow pool? i really do enjoy this. I see you can enhance most of this poem into something extraordinary but how it is, is also beautiful in itself. If you add either more length with depth this could also turn into something wonderful I hope im not confusing you. I really do love this piece of yours.Great job.
The fox reminds me of the Little Prince. I can't help it. That novel has smitten me so. =P
This is the second piece I've read from you and I noticed that in both of them, you've shown a heightened desire to collapse reality; a free-thinker that shoots what ifs as if they could be no matter what. And I think I like it.
The only thing that I think might help is if, in the first stanza, you include an idea of the man coming from something else. That way, the reader wouldn't feel alienated by the concept of the stars being demoted to humanity. Perhaps you could say that the river became a man, or the trees... each forest element after all, whether we like it or not possesses a subliminated human quality that could represents how we are before we are faced with the inspiration of beauty; before we meet the fox - the creature that inspires us to desperately be all that we can be... human, mobile, driven and almost cunning.
But again, that is just a suggestion. This is your piece after all. Feel free to do what you think suits it best.
By the way, I would also like to thank you for commenting on other people's stuff (mine included.) I think it's the only way we could really keep this place alive. Like you I don't want it to die. It gets really cozy in the winter.
Interesting concept. Fox and hound type of vibe, eh?
I wasnt sure if this was a poem about true love or just that lust love, because it was said a man had a sick heart in the beginning and also at the end? It seems pretty blissful inbetween there though. I find it interesting how over recent years society and mainly due to the media, people tend to relate that falling in love with one person somehow means you have been "captured" or "trapped"...??? Have you noticed that?
Its as if people really dont understand love or they have allowed other peoples interrpretations of it distort the true meaning of it.
Submission Name: A fox, red and lustrous
