Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

WHat if...?

Author: No Talent
ASL Info:    24/m/Ny
Elite Ratio:    4.12 - 263 /178 /31
Words: 153
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1587
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 873


basically this juss alil piece i put together bout possiblities and chances also of course love,lol cant get enough of it by the way check out my other works like sewing 101 its good stuff for the most part juss lemme kno if you like or not ,what you think its about and how it made you feel

WHat if...?

What if...
Just cant seem to see it all clearly..
What if the world stopped turning
what if the moon stopped shining
what if my love for you slowly died out
would you remember me
and the love I once felt or would you pretend to repent
even scream and shout
eyes closed to my words, living thru your own world
crying to me like the blind to reality like blind to the truth
blatantly starting thru eyes that lie to me, but thru others only you..
Only you can see the truth
The truth lying beneath us all
the truth most will never know
crying and weeping as tears drop like frost upon the snow
the snow hiding what we wish you would never know
hiding my true feelings and what if....
Something you may never know
what if ...what if?

Submitted on 2004-06-22 07:08:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Okay So... What if...
Just cant seem to see it all clearly..
What if the world stopped turning
what if the moon stopped shining
How does this relate to the rest of the poem.
what if my love for you slowly died out
I get how this line does cuz most of it is about love dying out.
Are you saying that if the person stopped loving you your sun would stop shinning. Or did you just put in there on like the spur on the moment or w/e.
I thought it was good. It had a certian air to it and it was like aiight thats tight.
| Posted on 2005-09-09 00:00:00 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ]
  I really don't care what others say about it. It's what you make of it. I thought it was very good and deep.
Truly, I don't have that many comments on it. It's your original work, not others. If you ask me, I think EternitysLyre was alittle to harsh on your poem. Besides its your work not theirs. Sometimes a little corrective comment is good here and there but that i dont think was extremely neccesary. What i mean is, dont take it to heart. It's a good poem!
| Posted on 2004-06-22 00:00:00 | by Jan | [ Reply to This ]
  This is the proclaimed "amatuer" poem, is it not?

It's filled with cliché, I think, and the spelling preferences have always irked me.

It's..."the average poem." The poem is both original and good, but the part that is original is not good, and the part that is good is not original. I think the What If theme has been run to a bloody stump already, so this doesn't exactly raise the bar.

I like it, of course. It mirrors my sentiments a long time ago. But I assure you, your other works will please me more.
| Posted on 2004-06-22 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?