Lifeless in excrutiating pain,
Wondering what there is to gain,
while I lay here on the floor,
Trying not to find the door,
holding tightly to my memory,
of the past and my scenery,
starts to change the walls around me,
I don't understand what is happening,
but, shortly, I begin to see the light,
as everythingstarts to turn bright,
my lifeless body starts to move,
when I see him enter the room,
the one that I love with all my heart,
he steps towards me and soon will start,
to wonder what happened to his "woman",
and eventually he began,
to worry even more about what happened,
and why my clothes are heavily dampened,
I soon begin to tell him what went wrong,
and what happened after the song,
That played before I had my Grande Mal,
As I looked on at him he began to scowl,
"Take your pills" he said,
"and then get your ass in bed",
| This is quite interesting a write. The first line seems, in my view, very powerful and appealing but then the energy that was supposed to prevail sorts of fades away as one keeps on reading. |
As for the rhyme scheme I thought it sounded rather unnatural and strained. You appear to have strived really hard so as to find the exact words to make this poem rhyme thus the forced like scheme, so to speak. One suggestion would to avoid using rhyme unless it's pivotal to the message you are trying to get across.
In a similar vein, I did notice a few minor inconsistencies. For instance, in line 7 you said:
"Starts to change the walls around me"
To me - that line sounds rather awkward coz' you don't establish if someone is doing the action or not. Probably it would make much more sense if you said something like:
"The walls start to change around me"
In addition, I should point out that your having used the word "Lifeless" thrice including the one in the title was not a very good idea. Maybe, one thing you could do would be to find out other words in order to vary the lexis used in the poem. You might want to consider "inert" or "lethargic" just to give you some ideas.
With regards to punctuation, you may want to consider checking you commas because, to me, there are some of them that are purposeless such as here:
"he steps towards me and soon will start,
to wonder what happened to his "woman"
You don't have to put a comma there since there's no need for a visual pause taking into account that “to wonder" ensues.
The same here:
"And eventually he began,
to worry even more about what happened"
A third superfluous use of comma was spotted in the following lines:
"and what happened after the song,
That played before I had my Grande Mal.
Additionally, I found a typo in line 10. There are 2 words which should be separated rather than united. Have a look at it.
Finally, the ending was a tad commonplace and not really telling, for my taste.
All in all, and as I mentioned at the beginning, this is an alluring piece thought a sheer overhaul is needed nonetheless.
I'm sorry if you thought that I'm berating you that was, by no mean, my intention. All I have said are merely suggestions and it's up to you to keep them or cast them aside because at the end of the day it's your very own write.
I was just trying to help, hope you don’t mind,
Have a nice day,
|| Posted on 2007-09-29 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ] |