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    dots Submission Name: Dreamerdots

    Author: jslbabygirl101
    ASL Info:    18/f/ga
    Elite Ratio:    2.35 - 76/82/49
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 694
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 688

       It's 4 stanza's describe a girl/woman who wanted the boy but lost him and the boy/man was to afraid to show his emotions and real self.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Girl don't be sad that you lost him,
    maybe it wasn't meant to be.
    Boy don't be afraid to show her,
    that you'll get down on one knee.

    She cries for him at night,
    and she waits to see.
    If he'll be her mr.right,
    knowing he may not be.

    He paces the floor wandering what to do,
    driving himself crazy.
    Because he really wants to be with you,
    his eyes start to get all hazy.

    She fights the urge to call,
    ans pushes the memories back.
    Knowing this is how she'll fall,
    they just don't have that knack.

    Submitted on 2007-09-30 18:14:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Nice ideas! The rhythm is off in a few places, you might be going for that effect - which is cool - but if not, just read through it a few times and try to cut out some words that aren't needed and if that's too hard, you can always go the other way and add words to lines that seem to end too shortly. Also, second stanza:

    If he'll be her mr.right,
    knowing he may not be.

    Just the repetition of 'be', I don't know if it works. You decide! The best way to improve is reading other peep's works and and also just keeping reading over your poem and ideas will come, only time will tell! "A poem is never finished, only abandoned" - Paul Valery.
    I did like the way that you communicated to both characters and looked at what's happening to both of them.
    Your friend Camo.
    | Posted on 2007-10-01 00:00:00 | by Camo Star | [ Reply to This ]
      It's sad how often this situation arrives. Good write I liked it.
    | Posted on 2007-10-01 00:00:00 | by Katlord | [ Reply to This ]

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