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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: early springdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shaman
    ASL Info:    32/m/Holland,MI
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 821/406/72
    Words: 219
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 877
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1487



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots early springdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Her face breaks from blankets;
    The horizon line,
    Where we find dreams easily achieved
    We make believe that hitting snooze will wiggle loose
    The tooth that is routine
    She gleans glimpses of lunar light
    Gleaming despite the fact night has subsided
    Her skin collides with freshly ironed clothes,
    deodorant and a small dose of perfume
    Consuming peanut butter toast
    She explodes from the kitchen
    Throws her keys in the ignition
    Quickly shifting the transmission into drive

    Surviving paycheck to paycheck is stressful enough
    but now she's stuck in road construction
    Waiting for the bulldozer to move from her path
    She gently places pressure on the gas
    and bounces over the section of grav-
    el where the pavement had been

    Her engine rattles as tires spin
    Splattering tar onto the win-
    dow of her recently cleaned car
    So close to her out stretched hand
    That her cigarette landed in her lap
    burning a hole through khaki pants
    Forcing her to slam on the brakes
    And take a minute to examine
    The salmon coloration of her leg
    Where the fag was estinguished
    Relinquishing her grip on the steering wheel
    She peels out at the light
    Overly excited to have the right of way
    parking two blocks away she feeds the meter enough coins to cover her eight hour shift




    Submitted on 2007-10-01 07:27:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Oh dude!!! How do you do it!

    Nan is right this is already a perfect fit. Stress of all that is in the mundane 9-5 at minimum wage.

    Clever, every line shows your gift for turning the regular passing of time as a melody, theme song to life it self.

    XO
    Fluffy unicorns
    &
    Cotton candy clouds

    Love ya
    | Posted on 2014-05-13 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      whatever do u mean ?
    | Posted on 2009-05-02 00:00:00 | by weepingwillow | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Dave,

    My first impression is that the first strophe doesn't fit. I would go ahead and just delete it. Here's the effect: first the reader is outside
    and then inside. My other idea is to keep it, but switch the first and second strophes, begin with her..

    Her face breaks from blankets;
    The horizon line,
    Where we find dreams easily achieved
    We make believe that hitting snooze will wiggle lose [loose]
    The tooth that is routine
    She gleans glimpses of lunar light
    Gleaming despite the fact night has subsided
    Her skin collides with freshly ironed clothes,
    deodorant and a small dose of perfume
    Consuming peanut butter toast
    She explodes from the kitchen
    Throws her[s] keys in the ignition
    Quickly shifting the transmission into drive

    Traces of snow huddle close to the curb
    Trying to preserve their present form
    Adorned with bits of litter,
    Assorted minerals,
    And whatever else the bitter cold froze
    Below the surface

    Really nothing else needs to be done. Though it seems such a simple fix, now she's in the car and sees the snow. The rest is pretty clean and straight forward for a day in the life.

    Sorry I didn't get back around until now. You take care,

    Nan


    | Posted on 2008-11-17 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


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