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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: across the atlanticdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shaman
    ASL Info:    26/m/Holland,MI
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 785/367/68
    Words: 187
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 166
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1339



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsacross the atlanticdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Abondoning our car in a parking lot along the harbor
    we ventured two blocks farther
    keeping to the shadows
    The park had closed hours ago, at dusk
    Evading incandescent street lights
    clustered amongst chainlink fence posts,
    We went up and over
    Scaling the 15 foot erosion wall
    Surfacing in a small
    patch of dense briars
    We burrowed higher
    Arriving at the ridgeline
    Realizing our flashlights would be seen for miles
    and trying to keep a low profile,
    We turned them off
    Relying instead on the soft
    Glow of the full moon
    Gasping for breath;
    The frigid September air
    Collecting inside flaring nostrils,
    Struggling against the strobe light like motion; moonlight filtered through an ocean of trees
    We saw our destination;
    looming overhead,
    The red rusted remants of the metalic water tower,
    The lake's waves gave our ascent encouragment,
    Clapping the sides of the light house below
    After we talked out most of the night,
    Lying in a strangely inverted cylinder,
    Harnessed in total darkness
    Catching up with what had happened
    in the course of a year
    with a hug you said cheers
    And disappeared
    across the Atlantic




    Submitted on 2007-10-01 07:37:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I enjoyed reading this. I love the whole beach/lighthouse theme shared by two friends.

    Your way of storytelling was right on.

    The subtle rhyme lends a sweet smoothness to it also, and the ending is bittersweet.

    Good work!
    | Posted on 2008-11-18 00:00:00 | by TamarRoze | [ Reply to This ]
      I REALLY DID LIKE THIS A LOT. I READ IT ABOUT THREE TIMES BEFORE I FULLY GOT ALL THE DIFFERENT ASPECT OF THE POEM BUT THAT PROBABLY SAYS MORE ABOUT ME THAN IT DOES YOU. YOUR ABILITY TO TELL A STORY WAS REALLY WELL DEMONSTRATED IN THIS PIECE. I FOUND BOTH OLD QUESTIONS AND NEW ANSWERS.

    great write
    llcollins
    | Posted on 2008-11-18 00:00:00 | by L.L.COLLINS | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Dave,

    You are really a master of story telling and this piece is no exception. I can feel the crisp cold and touch the mystery (which you leave to us) Who came across the atlantic?

    and light house breathes of such history, now doesn't it?
    amid the rust, I'm watching every line
    and that's what I love.

    There are some typos here but someone else has sent you
    on the mend. It's good to see your work again. And it has a smooth rhythm that is much to my liking. I have no suggestions
    I think it's just right.

    peace,

    Nan
    | Posted on 2008-02-10 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      "OH HEY OOOOOOHHHH"!!! Lyrics playing simultaneous to this reading & then the Beatles - Hey BullDog...chaotic polar variances or strange coincidences...you decide

    i am sending you visions of artistry and creativity - be not afraid...ye are not alone and you have special words to share &#8800;) ;-)

    Rock on.,... yep, only a short pause....

    love,peace,joy,abundance & smiles to share

    tif
    | Posted on 2008-01-15 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      First, before I tell you how wonderful this poem is, I just want to fix two typo:
    "luming" = looming
    "remance" = remnants
    Just wanted to show some spelling errors. ha ha I'm silly.

    Alright, now to the part where I tell you how wonderful this poem is:

    VERY!

    It's a beautiful little trip, just two people sneaking into a closed park (or secret military testing site!) to lay by the ocean and talk, catch up.

    The last line is both light-hearted and sad. Does it refer to a person heading on a return trip or just someone who just gets caught by the sea and currents and carried across? I'm going more with the first one.

    I like how some of the lines almost run together, for example:
    "Glow of the full moon
    Gasping for breath;"

    OR

    "The frigid September air
    Collecting inside flaring nostrils,
    Struggling against the strobe light like motion; moonlight filtered through an ocean of trees"

    I'm not sure if you know what I mean, but I think its genius in a way. When things collide together, they make beautiful poetic fission!

    And the "strangely inverted cylinder". What is that? Is it a drain pipe? I'm curious as to what that is. Tell me!

    ZOOOM the currents away!

    | Posted on 2007-10-01 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]


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