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    dots Submission Name: across the atlanticdots

    Author: shaman
    ASL Info:    32/m/Holland,MI
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 821/406/72
    Words: 186
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1337
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1338


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsacross the atlanticdots

    Abondoning our car in a parking lot along the harbor
    we ventured two blocks farther
    keeping to the shadows
    The park had closed hours ago, at dusk
    Evading incandescent street lights
    clustered amongst chainlink fence posts,
    We went up and over
    Scaling the 15 foot erosion wall
    Surfacing in a small
    patch of dense briars
    We burrowed higher
    Arriving at the ridgeline
    Realizing our flashlights would be seen for miles
    and trying to keep a low profile,
    We turned them off
    Relying instead on the soft
    Glow of the full moon
    Gasping for breath;
    The frigid September air
    Collecting inside flaring nostrils,
    Struggling against the strobe light like motion; moonlight filtered through an ocean of trees
    We saw our destination;
    looming overhead,
    The red rusted remants of the metalic water tower,
    The lake's waves gave our ascent encouragment,
    Clapping the sides of the lighthouse below
    After we talked out most of the night,
    Lying in a strangely inverted cylinder,
    Harnessed in total darkness
    Catching up with what had happened
    in the course of a year
    with a hug you said cheers
    And disappeared
    across the Atlantic

    Submitted on 2007-10-01 07:37:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Enjoying this poem was easy, and comfortable. I found your imagery riveting, and your feeling of loss painful. Nicely done.

    | Posted on 2012-01-25 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      I could almost see this as a sort of folk song. The internal and external rhyme in places is skewed; the metre does not fit exactly, but it works for the most part.

    Probably the best criticism I could offer is in the use of punctuation. Changing the punctuation in places would result in a smoother read. But its addition would also call for a change in some of the grammar and tenses. It can be hard to keep to a single tense and easy to rely on words ending in -ing- to get the job done. The result can be that the lines end up sounding like run-on sentences. I hope you know what I mean by this, for although I can see the problem, it's hard for me to describe exactly how to fix it.

    Abondoning our car in a parking lot along the harbor,
    we ventured two blocks farther,
    keeping to the shadows.
    The park had closed hours ago, at dusk.
    Evading incandescent street lights
    clustered amongst chainlink fence posts,
    We went up and over
    Scaled the 15 foot erosion wall, and
    Surfaced in a small
    patch of dense briars.
    We burrowed higher.
    Arriving at the ridgeline...

    My rendering may not exactly be perfect, but hoping you see what I mean. I noticed you did capitalize some lines and not other, perhaps you used this in place of punctuation?

    But overall, I like the sound and feel of this. It is refreshing to hear someone tell a story with their words instead of bemoaning a broken heart, valid and universal as that is.

    This could be a dream or a real but surreal event. Like how it ends.

    | Posted on 2010-07-15 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      Congratulations on having a very well written poem. Although I usually like to see more pattern in poetry, this one I like. I think it's the level of description you go to. I can see everything you're writing about. I used to live by big water, so I feel a connection to your writing.

    My only criticism being the lighthouse is one word.

    Good luck and keep writing!
    | Posted on 2009-09-20 00:00:00 | by Egan | [ Reply to This ]
      makes me wonder what you fellas were up to in an abandoned carpark, it really does. still, i really like the imagery you've presented to us here: it's very full, very in the moment, and fresh in a way, i think. i always enjoy narratives like this because it's so much clearer, so much easier to actually see with the mind's eye.

    the ending is so relaxed, well, i mean this person who said goodbye is... just like that, seeya and off across the atlantic. some people are like that, able to voyage and come back only intermittently, only to fly back off to some crazyass city a million miles away. i know plenty like this and somehow, we always seem to catch up at some point, no matter the distance or miles in between since the last meeting.

    i enjoyed this scene, yeah.
    | Posted on 2009-01-07 00:00:00 | by meoww | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed reading this. I love the whole beach/lighthouse theme shared by two friends.

    Your way of storytelling was right on.

    The subtle rhyme lends a sweet smoothness to it also, and the ending is bittersweet.

    Good work!
    | Posted on 2008-11-18 00:00:00 | by TamarRoze | [ Reply to This ]

    great write
    | Posted on 2008-11-18 00:00:00 | by L.L.COLLINS | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Dave,

    You are really a master of story telling and this piece is no exception. I can feel the crisp cold and touch the mystery (which you leave to us) Who came across the atlantic?

    and light house breathes of such history, now doesn't it?
    amid the rust, I'm watching every line
    and that's what I love.

    There are some typos here but someone else has sent you
    on the mend. It's good to see your work again. And it has a smooth rhythm that is much to my liking. I have no suggestions
    I think it's just right.


    | Posted on 2008-02-10 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      "OH HEY OOOOOOHHHH"!!! Lyrics playing simultaneous to this reading & then the Beatles - Hey BullDog...chaotic polar variances or strange coincidences...you decide

    i am sending you visions of artistry and creativity - be not afraid...ye are not alone and you have special words to share &#8800;) ;-)

    Rock on.,... yep, only a short pause....

    love,peace,joy,abundance & smiles to share

    | Posted on 2008-01-15 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      First, before I tell you how wonderful this poem is, I just want to fix two typo:
    "luming" = looming
    "remance" = remnants
    Just wanted to show some spelling errors. ha ha I'm silly.

    Alright, now to the part where I tell you how wonderful this poem is:


    It's a beautiful little trip, just two people sneaking into a closed park (or secret military testing site!) to lay by the ocean and talk, catch up.

    The last line is both light-hearted and sad. Does it refer to a person heading on a return trip or just someone who just gets caught by the sea and currents and carried across? I'm going more with the first one.

    I like how some of the lines almost run together, for example:
    "Glow of the full moon
    Gasping for breath;"


    "The frigid September air
    Collecting inside flaring nostrils,
    Struggling against the strobe light like motion; moonlight filtered through an ocean of trees"

    I'm not sure if you know what I mean, but I think its genius in a way. When things collide together, they make beautiful poetic fission!

    And the "strangely inverted cylinder". What is that? Is it a drain pipe? I'm curious as to what that is. Tell me!

    ZOOOM the currents away!

    | Posted on 2007-10-01 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]

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