Hi, I like how you spliced up your stanzas to depict the the outcome of mutilated land. Very effective encapsulation of visual scarring. And the sounds too, like the sound of saw. More showing than telling, which is good stuff.
You you check out the book called "Changes in the Land" which talks precisely about how Euro Immigrants dramatically altered the American landscape. The twist is that the Natives altered the landscape too, but with the focus of sustainability, mobility, and long-term usage mind.
I think i get the gist of it. The message was clear i can't say it invoked much emotion in me. the format while unique distract from the piece in my opinion. Not all of your images are clear. The ant in abundance is clever it also like disecting words down to the roots but more for the sound of the piece. Sa------s
WWwwww i think would be more clear as sawwwwsssss You still achieve the sawing sound but the letters are all in the correct order it make it easier to read obviously I got it so it may not be much of a problem but that is once spot where I got hung up.
peace
To me, this feels like the words exploded out the parameters of the human language. It gives a devastated sense of communication and it virtually totals the boundaries of how things should be said.
It feels like a malfunctioned recording; in line with that, it gives the image of a broken down speaker, in a broken down building, in a broken down area of a broken down civilization. So, as you may have noticed, the manner of expression you chose was very effective.
I agree with Alex, the message is straight forward. As far as the poem's format, which is where its depth comes in, is definitely new to me. It makes it harder to read and distracts from the piece, but despite that, it does an extremely good job in portraying the pain of the earth and the natives who inhabited this land before the settlers. I can see trees twitching as blades cut into them with fearsome brutality. I think some extreme repetition in the poem could have enhanced this paniced feel you put out, but otherwise, a different and good poem. Good job.
The message was pretty straight forward so I'm guessing your goal was the "word play", I'm not sure what to call it, but it's definitely something new to my eyes. I wasn't quite sure about
"Abund
(ant)ance"
but, the one that I enjoyed the most was
"Sa------------s
WWwwwww|"
don't know why, but it just looks really cool to me. And to actually comment the message, I think this poem hits home even today, except we're using up the resources even faster.
This had a great message, thanks for sharing, and thanks for the comment as well.
Submission Name: VIRgin land
