Away With The Tide -------------------------------------------
the further and further i fall from you
makes me wish i was dying
wake me up from the inside
or i will never feel the warmth of the sun again
it won't be long before
i see the moon rise
and wash you away with the tide
this is a lesson in breathing
what do i know
how do i find who i am deep inside
a shipwreck in a deep sea ocean
trying to find you on the other side
see the light going down
its a pitch black midnight rise
drowning me down
I wanna get lost with my hand in yours
somebody tell me if i'm submerged deep enough
maybe you can reach out
and pull me out from underneath the waves
save me from this nightmare without you
cause i see the hope in your arms
an absolutely great line: this is a lesson in breathing.
I love the whole poem, although I do think it could stand some revision, a little tightening. it's very good though. to be more specific, I would cut it down some. for example:
the further I fall from you
makes me wish that I was dead.
wake me up from the inside
to feel the warmth of sun again.
it won't be long before
the moon rises,
washes you away with the tide.
this is a lesson in breathing.
just a little tweaking here and there would do it.
Submission Name: Away With The Tide
