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I will soon prove it!
I run wildly around not caring about my body!
I am disrespectful to elders!
I throw caution to the wind
thus hindering my future children!
I am what the others aspire to be !..
At least in my mind!
I am young!
I am crazy!
I won't soon forget
or even sooner regret
at least not untill tomorow morning...
when youre not there
and my head starts to cloud
and I begin to puke
and people will ask what I was on and who I fucked
| this is like super sarcasm anti-sentiment curl nosed anti-reflection poetry? i love the style. seems to be very personality aquired||| Posted on 2008-12-15 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ] || This was not what i expected from the title, which is pretty clever. This isn't an amazing peice of writting but this doesn't seem to be your intent. As a quick humorous peice it does quite well. i found it cute and funny.||| Posted on 2007-11-20 00:00:00 | by nomad knight | [ Reply to This ] || i didnt really feel that this lived up to the titles. i dunno, its possible that it would be more powerful if i could hear it the way you meant it but when i look at this i just see some random [censored] some kid said. its not put together well enough to be meaningful.||| Posted on 2007-10-08 00:00:00 | by EEKS | [ Reply to This ] || I'm not sure if you were trying to convince the reader or yourself just how free and careless you are. Tred lightly the road of such freedom for there are ultimate prices to be paid.||| Posted on 2007-10-06 00:00:00 | by ErgoIgo | [ Reply to This ] || I loved the theme here and the way that the form completely reflected it. I think you did an exceptional job at conveying exactly what you meant. Full respect.||| Posted on 2007-10-04 00:00:00 | by HaAtzmah | [ Reply to This ] || Oh god I loved this so much! (love your picture by the way). No but seriously, I had to finish my cigarette cuz I knew it'd be gone before I finished this comment. |
This says so much in so informally formed poetry it's lovely! And I must refrain from one sentence it'd seem narcissistic.
This whole page here is art. The piece you've written followed by the critiques. I mean, I don't agree with Dee, I don't think it needs any more. I see the story. Line by line it's like a silent film with little crackles that let the vomit spill and the vile words but I only get little syllables that let me understand what I hear. And I understand completely what's going on... and it's me. Oh, did I say it? And what Peggy said. It reminds me of a song by Patrick Wolf. But what's amazing is that I get that from what she said while I didn't see that at all in your poem. But now I can see that but in a more punk way. What's lovely about Dancer's is that I agree but disagree. I completely adore it, I want to roll around in my front yard but I think it flowed amazingly. Like some dirty shirtless Iggy Pop shouting in a mic all strung out screaming his lungs out saying "here I am, you wanna know who I am? Well here it is!"
You've stolen my heart with this.
|| Posted on 2007-10-03 00:00:00 | by doppelganger | [ Reply to This ] || I completely agree with the idea behind it. But as for a critique, it did not flow well. The ending was a bit rough, and I mean rough as in writing, and not rough as in feelings, because raw feelings are what makes poetry. I feel that this piece needs more to it. It needs more lines to complete the story. When you say you disrespect your own body... tell what you did to disrespect it. Make it clear in the beginning so I don't have to peice together why you puked in the end. |
Other then that, I understand it. I see this as a mocking poem, one in which you are not the person, but pretending to be the person who would do that to herself.
Hope I helped in a small way.
|| Posted on 2007-10-02 00:00:00 | by dancer06 | [ Reply to This ] || Very honest. Do be your own best friend! Sharon||| Posted on 2007-10-02 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ] || I don't know how I feel about this piece. I think that it's a good idea, but it's hard for me to see the actually storyline. I think it just needs more. The story is good, but you should let the reader in on a little bit more of what is going on the the speaker.||| Posted on 2007-10-01 00:00:00 | by DeeBaby6389 | [ Reply to This ] |