Path of Snakes by crimson echo

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Path of Snakes dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	crimson echo
ASL Info:	19 M U.S. of A
Elite Ratio:	8 - 412/149/55
Words:	200

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	134
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	1237

Description:
And what of this: that we keep walking even when our feet have worn away?

Path of Snakes dots

-------------------------------------------

What can walk upon a path
entwined by serpents' blood--
if every step leads to the wrath
of fever, to the mud

And every step is like to be
our last upon this earth?
Their fangs sink in, set scarlet free
and tear us from our worth.

What can walk upon a path
ensnared by poisoned thorns?
If we should trip, know but a scratch
will bleed us of our form.

If we should fail, no other hands
can take the flag again.
If we should fail, immortal stands
will close our corpses in.

What can walk upon a path
where no one's ever gone--
if every step is yet one past
what we have ever done

And each and every step we take
is more than we can go?
What of the day our bodies break,
and weary wait a soul?

Know we walk upon a road
that leads to shadows black
and face the fell, corrupted mode
that drags us from the track

If it is true that you remain,
I will not turn away
Until we've cleansed this place of pain
and stepped into the day.

Submitted on 2007-10-01 21:04:08 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is brilliant! It reminds me of our often thwarted, always abused, efforts as a nation to provide aid to, or enlist the co-operation of, other nations!

You have a genius for verse and writing that is outstanding, and I shall be back to read and comment on more of your work!

Excellent, thought provoking piece this, with excellent structure and style!
| Posted on 2008-01-27 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
  this is a wondefull piece
i absoluetly adored reading it!!!

"And every step is like to be
our last upon this earth?
Their fangs sink in, set scarlet free
and tear us from our worth."

this is deep and intense and both intellectual and artistic at the same time

"What can walk upon a path
ensnared by poisoned thorns?
If we should trip, know but a scratch
will bleed us of our form."

my favorite stanza, and i couldnt tell you why
i think it has something to do with the way the words flow and the imagery it creates for me, but that sounds so vague and wishy washy
i wish i could explain it better

once again, lovely job
its very eloquent and well executed
xoxo
| Posted on 2007-10-02 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
  ...someone's deep in thought, I see.

Aw, must I comment? Eesh, since I'm here already, I might as start off with technical difficulties -cough cough-.

First stanza: Shouldn't it be "who", but "what" is perfectly fine, then the last line is "to the mud" which is confusing, what's going to the mud, perhaps "and" is better, since "wrath" is mentioned before that and we know what happens when someone lands up in a sinkhole.

Second stanza: "and every step as though it be" I suggest a replacement for the first line.

Third stanza: The "what" is fine here, but as I mentioned I had qualms about "who" being better. "Thorns" and "form" don't go well together, but that's just me being petty. -sniff-

Fourth stanza: "can", maybe "will" is slightly more in the pessimistic nature of that particular part. The other "will" may be replaced by "should" or "doth".

Fifth stanza: "Who" is definitely better in this instance, because "people" appear directly after that so you're switching from a what to a who. Better to stay on "who" all the way.
"if every step is yet one past". I don't get it. Something wrong with this, not sure what.

Sixth stanza: AND TWICE IN THE SAME SENTENCE! AND TWICE IN THE SAME SENTENCE!
-falls on floor twitching and convulsing-

Seventh stanza: "know" should be followed by a "that" to keep the metre. Just saying.

Eighth stanza: Eh...

Overall, nicely done, considering you typed this out on site, however your content I am going to have to give a once over, it's deeply doubtful, with understandable metaphors [yes! we bow to your comprehensible allegories!]. Not bad.
Not bad at all.

Cheers
Azuire
| Posted on 2007-10-02 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
  Gosh, I feel as if I had been hit by a meteorite. I mean so many things were brought to mind by this write.

For starters, at times I felt as though you were talking about life itself… describing it, and saying how hard this is. It seems as if you wanted to describe our existence or compare it with an intricated trip or journey which sounds quite scintillating and exciting. I guess that many of us have done this one way or another.....

A further thing I'd like to point out is the piercing language that was effectively used within your write. There are some golden lines that I just loved ,such as:

"If we should fail, no other hands
can take the flag again.
If we should fail, immortal stands
will close our corpses in."

That stanza was so bloody intense! and in fact is the one I liked the best ... I faintly spotted a Shakespearian influence there which is delightful and altogether enjoyable!

Another issue that I noticed in you piece was that you some how speak about our daily stress and the way we get weaker as time elapses ... for instance when you say.

"What of the day our bodies break,
and weary wait a soul"

I have to admit that I can wholly relate to that part and some or most of the ideas that are displayed in you poem represent a part of me, to put that way ... don't know if that makes any sense?

Additionally, I'd like to raise and highlight your wording and great imagery. They are certainly 2 features that stand out in your poem, so to speak. I feel that your careful choice of words is one aspect that help you get the message across effectively.

As for critiques, I can say that your rhyme scheme, at times, perilously borders on being strained or forced. I'd say to be more mindful on that account.

Moreover, I should mention one line that puzzled me right from the outset, as far as ambiguity is concerned.

"if every step is yet one past"

I have the slightest idea if you meant "one's past" I surmise that it'd make much more sense that way, at least to me ... but probably I'm just being dim and missed the point ... just a suggestion though

Well, that's about it!
Great write!
Loved it!

Best wishes,
Ethan

| Posted on 2007-10-01 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

150460

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]