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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: October Moondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: owlman23
    ASL Info:    29/m/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.58 - 71/75/28
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 955
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 913



    Description:
       It has been awhile since I've written anything. It isn't that I haven't wanted to, I just haven't been able to organize my thoughts or feelings lately, or for quite some time actually. I'm not sure where all this came from. As with much of my other writtings it just pops into my head and I write it down. I was however, struck by the beauty of a huge orange half moon as I was on my way to work tonight and I guess it just triggered something. Anywho, it is what it is I guess, take from it what you will.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOctober Moondots
    -------------------------------------------


    A slice of orange shrouded in grey
    Slowly uncovering what was hidden by day.
    The light of its brilliance now caught in her eyes,
    Dimming what's left of the starry night skies.
    Closer now to paradise, yet so far from life,
    This fruit it is forbidden, here to cause them strife.
    A moan escapes her, a lovely song.
    Heard only by he, who knows it's wrong.
    Heedless to caution, to all the warning signs,
    Plunging into bliss, and feeling so divine.
    Her pale pink lips now aglow with moon shine
    His hands on her hips trace the shape of time
    Skin on skin they lay entwined
    Hand in hand, for time out of mind

    Imprisoned in sleep, still in their sheets
    Long after they lost the moon,
    Dawn comes on and brings a sad song
    The frost is now on the leaves.







    Submitted on 2007-10-02 01:17:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Forbidden fruit? ("...orange...", "heard only be he, who knows it's wrong") Hehehe....

    Orange is a nice color. And so is red. But green is my favourite. Wouldn't it be cool if the moon was green?

    Yay! The aabbcc rhyme scheme! I'm glad to see it again!

    Lovely little poem of forbidden love under the orange moon eclipsed by
    Night
    Sky
    Embrace.

    It's good to see that you were finally able to write stuff! Writer's Block is evil and it falls upon everyone sometimes. What I find to be a good method to overcome is to just force yourself to write. I did that one day and it turned into two different poems! (see my poems "A fox, red and lustrous" and "Jubilee Years")

    "Dawn comes on and brings a sad song"

    Is that because their night of passion has come to an end? Or is it because of the last line?

    "The frost is on the leaves."

    Uh-oh. Frost. means. cold! AAAAH FALL AND WINTER NO GO AWAY! Summer king, rise up and quell the usurpers!

    Frost is my sad song.


    | Posted on 2007-10-02 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
      well
    this is nice
    and clear cut
    very seductive
    right up until the end where i feel like the last three lines dont quite mesh with the rest of it
    the first of those three just isnt long enough to feel right with the flow of the rest of the piece and the other two dont seem to be in context
    i dont want to be mean and all, and im not asking you to change it, im just letting you know how i feel

    i also think that overall it was a good piece, but there are a couple things i didnt like
    you start out with the moon
    move on to love making and sleep
    and finally we land on frost

    and in none of these change overs is there a clear seguay to let the reader know, hey, this is whats going on
    not this

    so that might be something you want to work on

    but i did like it
    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-10-02 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello there. I quite liked this. It was very descriptive and.......colorful, in a spiritual sense.

    I loved the rhyme scheme but there are some words that I think you can take out for the flow to smooth over such as in this part:


    Heedless to caution, to all the warning signs,
    Plunging into bliss, and feeling so divine.


    I think that if you changed it to:

    Heedless to caution, to all warning signs,
    Plunging into bliss, and feeling the divine.

    I'm sure that 'the divine' sounds a little strange here, but think of it in a way such as divine being the warmth and sexuality of it, or if you were going for something else, the divine feeling of sex, not the pleasure of the feeling, but the pleasure of becoming one.

    Also, for your rhyme scheme, you have it rhyming until the last four lines, which I believe is a mistake because it really threw me off and kinda dimmed the satisfaction a bit.
    Perhaps you could put a space between the last four lines and the rest of it.

    I'm sorry if this sounds picky and mean.
    I really did enjoy it. Good write.


    Soul
    | Posted on 2007-10-02 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      There appears to be no poem...loading error?
    | Posted on 2007-10-02 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]


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    150468

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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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