Progression by EmpathicAya

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Submission Name: Progression dots

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Author:	EmpathicAya
ASL Info:	12+6/unMale/Your Mind
Elite Ratio:	7.59 - 621/368/80
Words:	62

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	196
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	532

Description:
Well this is probably my last submission for a while. I leave you with this.
Be well,
~Azura*

Progression dots

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weight of distressed
thoughts crush
souls
of the mentally frail.

But spirals eventually move
upwards, and
habitual patterns die.

Old skin sheds.

A barrier that once
wrapped around in an act
of security, and unknown
confinement

disintegrates.

The soul spreads outwards
and
weight of distressed
thoughts crash
down,
sinks into the ground

And is buried.

Submitted on 2007-10-02 12:53:56 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  With time, everything seems to break down...everything...except maybe plastic bags...

I like how you used this idea in such a corrosive way. Air is corrosive because it has oxygen in it. And oxygen is a corrosive substance. Oxygen!

"Old skin sheds." --> makes me think of cute, slithery snakes.

"A barrier that once
wrapped around in an act
of security" --> Mmm...soft, warm blankets...this part made me feel warm and cozy for a second before I got thrust back into the rest of the poem.

This is very well done. I'm going to make a favourite out of this piece.
| Posted on 2007-10-20 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah this is an absolutely beautiful write, I'm feel practically incomplete with such little to give you but a suggestion on form.

With a work like this, it's best to try and utilise the visual form of words to enhance the reader's perception. Perhaps this:

[centre]weight of distressed
thoughts
crush
souls
of the mentally frail.[/centre]

But spirals eventually move upwards, and
habitual patterns die.

Old skin sheds.

[centre]A barrier that once
wrapped around in an act
of security, and unknown
confinement
d i s i n t e g r a t e s .[/centre]

The soul spreads ou t wa r ds
and
[centre]weight of distressed
thoughts crash
down,
sinks into the ground

And is buried.[/centre]

Cheers
Zurie
| Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
  "But spirals eventually move
upwards, and
habitual patterns die.

Old skin sheds.

A barrier that once
wrapped around in an act
of security, and unknown
confinement

disintegrates."

I cannot say how much that thought appeals to me! what an ideal. Our walls that were built like an edge to cut us away from who we are, so to protect ourselves we cut our self away from what is our own, our desires, our very character gets lost like jewel embedded between two bricks. Always lost, and never guessed at...never sought by the stranger because no one ever surmises that it is there.

You lose yourself, and seek yourself.
You forget even who it was that your walls were protecting............

Funeral for dead thinking.
What a cheerfully lovely idea.
Dance on the graves of sorrow,
and celebrate.
For something dead has finally died!!!!
And it didn't take you with it!

Brava Azura!
| Posted on 2007-10-02 00:00:00 | by Mandolin | [ Reply to This ]

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