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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Progressiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EmpathicAya
    ASL Info:    13+8/unMale/Your Mind
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 700/456/109
    Words: 62
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1172
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 532



    Description:
       Well this is probably my last submission for a while. I leave you with this.
    Be well,
    ~Azura*


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsProgressiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    weight of distressed
    thoughts crush
    souls
    of the mentally frail.

    But spirals eventually move
    upwards, and
    habitual patterns die.

    Old skin sheds.

    A barrier that once
    wrapped around in an act
    of security, and unknown
    confinement

    disintegrates.

    The soul spreads outwards
    and
    weight of distressed
    thoughts crash
    down,
    sinks into the ground

    And is buried.




    Submitted on 2007-10-02 12:53:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      With time, everything seems to break down...everything...except maybe plastic bags...

    I like how you used this idea in such a corrosive way. Air is corrosive because it has oxygen in it. And oxygen is a corrosive substance. Oxygen!

    "Old skin sheds." --> makes me think of cute, slithery snakes.

    "A barrier that once
    wrapped around in an act
    of security" --> Mmm...soft, warm blankets...this part made me feel warm and cozy for a second before I got thrust back into the rest of the poem.

    This is very well done. I'm going to make a favourite out of this piece.
    | Posted on 2007-10-20 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah this is an absolutely beautiful write, I'm feel practically incomplete with such little to give you but a suggestion on form.

    With a work like this, it's best to try and utilise the visual form of words to enhance the reader's perception. Perhaps this:

    [centre]weight of distressed
    thoughts
    crush
    souls
    of the mentally frail.[/centre]

    But spirals eventually move upwards, and
    habitual patterns die.

    Old skin sheds.

    [centre]A barrier that once
    wrapped around in an act
    of security, and unknown
    confinement
    d i s i n t e g r a t e s .[/centre]

    The soul spreads ou t wa r ds
    and
    [centre]weight of distressed
    thoughts crash
    down,
    sinks into the ground

    And is buried.
    [/centre]

    Cheers
    Zurie
    | Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      "But spirals eventually move
    upwards, and
    habitual patterns die.

    Old skin sheds.

    A barrier that once
    wrapped around in an act
    of security, and unknown
    confinement

    disintegrates."

    I cannot say how much that thought appeals to me! what an ideal. Our walls that were built like an edge to cut us away from who we are, so to protect ourselves we cut our self away from what is our own, our desires, our very character gets lost like jewel embedded between two bricks. Always lost, and never guessed at...never sought by the stranger because no one ever surmises that it is there.

    You lose yourself, and seek yourself.
    You forget even who it was that your walls were protecting............

    Funeral for dead thinking.
    What a cheerfully lovely idea.
    Dance on the graves of sorrow,
    and celebrate.
    For something dead has finally died!!!!
    And it didn't take you with it!

    Brava Azura!
    | Posted on 2007-10-02 00:00:00 | by Mandolin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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