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    dots Submission Name: Decaydots

    Author: Maki
    ASL Info:    17/ female/ home
    Elite Ratio:    5.04 - 208/210/69
    Words: 228
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 851
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1589

       Hmm, yea. I just wrote it while I drew a picture of a lady that looked very classy. Hmm, I dunno. so far not many people have taken the time to read it v.v

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Wilting away in the back of the mind,
    an Ideal such as Modesty rots.
    Respect, Manners, and Responsibility
    No longer exist in the consciences of Society.

    Material needs strangle the needs of the body.
    They turn Women and Men into Self-conscious monsters.
    Low-fat this and Sunflower oil that, Does that come sugar free?
    newer "healthier" things just keep coming out...
    Is there really a reason to have that fridge full of Low-fat yogurt,
    just because you're trying to loose a couple of pounds?

    In school you're taught to be yourself,
    but the reality isn't that at all.
    Kids are themselves about as close as an actor is thier role.
    Pressure builds up on those poor fragile frames
    Parent's just don't understand, they say "When I was young..."
    and don't realize they're hurting thier child.

    Ignorance is not always bliss.
    Not knowing or choosing to ignore,
    Ends up killing the Plain Jane,
    She had an inferiority Complex...
    she just wasn't good enough.
    Not taking the time or pushing it away,
    Only pushes John Doe further...
    further away from any one he knows.
    He falls into a make believe world,
    where only his blood can stop his pain.

    Wilting away in the back of the mind,
    an Ideal such as Humanity rots.
    Life, Love, and Death
    No longer phase the consciences of Society.

    Submitted on 2007-10-03 17:23:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I suggest that you're writing prose in verse lines. Fine, for some mighty works are made like that. And the other story I commented on seemes to me like poetry in a prose format!

    Why don't I like this one to appear like it is? Er... The language is straightforward, not figurative. Also, this is a superbly clear and orderly argument, transmitting some passion but especially a passion to explain.

    Poetry I like best (but not everybody does!) is a rather sneaky but joyfully skilful exercise in injecting a very specific idea into the reader's blood like a drug. Whether they know what happened to them or not, the victim, I mean the Beloved Reader, is permanently affected. That is not rational argument, although the full richness of meaning of one's language is in use!

    On that principle, I read 'Decay' just now and my reaction was immediately that it contains the ideas for a number of poems. Each one of them would be something like your short-short story nearby, that I also commented on: because that story is in the blood language I'm talking about!
    | Posted on 2007-10-31 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting. Deep. Venting. Seems a little random, more likea trail of throught rather than a poem.
    I understand why people find it hard to comment. It's not particually eye catching. There's no snappy rhythm of messing around with metaphors. It's very thoughtful but I don't feel you placed your thoughts in much of a poetic mannor.

    However, saying all that it does make you think a little. But really, it's repeating a message many often say. The whole idea of humanity going downhill is quite a common theme today.

    I must say I did love the title. It caught my eye, fitted the poem and just worked really well.

    What you really need to do is explore the theme in a more creative angle. The best thing to do is just mess around. Play with all sorts of writing techniques and narration

    Sorry if I'm being a little harsh.
    | Posted on 2007-10-04 00:00:00 | by AteMyBackpack | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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