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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Dwarf Ladydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: annie0888
    ASL Info:    49/f/LA
    Elite Ratio:    4.76 - 327/382/122
    Words: 460
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1126
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2515



    Description:
       looking for a better title


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Dwarf Ladydots
    -------------------------------------------


    It’s Sunday night. A dwarf lady works graveyards at the Fil-A-Sak.
    An average sized salesman stops for gas on his way home after a long week – fourteen hour days, no thank yous, paper work out the wazoo.
    The salesfloor looks strangely like a smallscale cityscape. Like LegoLand. Twelve pack sodas are stacked everywhere into towers and staircases and platforms and miniature skyscrapers. He looks around. Nobody. He lays his Visa on the counter and turns to test his weight on the bottom step of a Sprite stairway. Tentatively he ascends. At just one extra foot off the ground he wonders how the view can be so different. Is this what it’s like to be very tall?

    “As a matter of fact, the weather’s fine up here,” he answers an imaginary critic.

    He climbs the rest of the sodasteps, keeping balance by brushing the ceiling with his fingertips, gradually shrinking his body to forcefit himself between his soles and the acoustic tile. With gravity on his side he races down fullspeed and then up the Nehi grape staircase on the opposite wall. Centrifugal force carries him past the landing and up the glass door of the beer cooler. He feels like Donald O’Connor. From up top he longjumps across a three foot expanse of linoleum to the peak of a Dr. Pepper pyramid and then geronimoes off its back side onto the raised curb of Coca-Cola that perimeters the place. Now he’s a tightrope walker in training. He briefly ponders the possibility of a trapeze - no, a rope and grappling hook. He scales the face of a Mountain Dew skyscraper, a revised King Kong.

    “There are cameras, you know,” says the dwarf lady from out of nowhere.

    The salesman suddenly feels very large and very tiny at the same time. He wishes he could hop down off this Diet Coke Empire State Building graciously but that last step is a doozy and he has to stretch his toe just to reach real floor and he doesn’t quite stick the landing.
    .
    “I can’t reach things, you know, being this size,” says the dwarf lady. “You should see my house.”

    So the salesman, taking this a s a come-on, goes home with the dwarf lady to see her mini-amusement-park-house, lined all around with stepladders and cinderblocks, and crisscrossed ziplines, and stools and milk crates and poles with climbing spikes, and when they make love he feels very tall.
    But she begins to wonder if he loves her for herself or for the rides.




    Submitted on 2007-10-05 21:30:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with irina...it kind of speeds up in the middle...let us savor it.

    but the idea is interesting...rather than being put off by her size, or a big deal made of that...it is the irony...you love me for the rides, not for me.

    interesting piece, with some addition and slowing down...i think there would be much more effect on the reader.

    such a good premise...much like a Twilight Zone episode.
    '
    jacob
    | Posted on 2012-10-04 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      My evening chuckle. Thanks!
    | Posted on 2011-02-21 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I really think you should change the title. Although it does work with the content of your piece, it's not that appealing to me mainly because there are indeed people out there who are smaller than most of society. So no, that doesn't work. Maybe think about what makes her and the sales person so special.

    I felt you have a very strong story like piece and the ideas behind it are very neatly imagined. there was a part that i felt was totally rushed:

    The salesman suddenly feels very large and very tiny at the same time. He wishes he could hop down off this Diet Coke Empire State Building graciously but that last step is a doozy and he has to stretch his toe just to reach real floor and he doesn’t quite stick the landing.
    .
    “I can’t reach things, you know, being this size,” says the dwarf lady. “You should see my house.”

    Compared to the beginning, you totally speed up the pace here. To me, that part felt like u magically turned into a race car driver.

    I thought this piece was very well written though. There wasn't much passion there except for the last part but overall, it had a nice way of reading it and imagining the whole situation come to life. So you did bring your characters out of the pages and that's what matters.

    Cheers,

    Irina
    | Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      “I can’t reach things, you know, being this size,” says the dwarf lady. “You should see my house.”

    So the salesman, taking this a s a come-on, goes home with the dwarf lady to see her mini-amusement-park-house, lined all around with stepladders and cinderblocks, and crisscrossed ziplines, and stools and milk crates and poles with climbing spikes, and when they make love he feels very tall.
    But she begins to wonder if he loves her for herself or for the rides.



    I'm certain making love to the childlike empress allowed him to feel as if he were the size of God in her universe. As for the previous comment, this 'dwarf' is no more than a small person functioning in the 'big' world and suffering slightly from an inferoirority complex as a result. And it might benefit from either expansion or a sequel that could explore the relationship in greater depth. But that's your call to make, ma'am.

    A little whimsy is a good thing.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2007-10-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      The concept is intruiging. I'm a sucker for fantasy, so this has my attention.


    It all feels too fast-paced and choppy, though. Everything moves a little too quickly for the reader to actually take anything in. Tell us more about the dwarf lady, and maybe come up with something else to call her. Tell us more about the salesman.

    and actually, now that I think about it, by dwarf lady, do you really mean just a little person, or an actual dwarf, and further more if it is a fantasy-type dwarf, what is she doing in modern-day earth, functioning in regular society. The best, most well-written fiction is the kind that makes you desperately want to believe it's true.

    I think this needs a little more substance to it. My eyes just flew over it. Nothing really sucked me into the story.

    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2007-10-05 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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