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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Gold a'Shining in Your Hairdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sheakhan
    ASL Info:    25/M/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 175/197/89
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 949
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1233



    Description:
       finished?


    i like it, but it's not quite there.

    anyhow, give me anything, thoughts, review, bash it, or just tell me something.

    p.s. i love you malia.

    p.s. edited October 6th, 2007 as per JF's kind suggestions.

    and again Oct. 9th, 2007 as per stuff.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Gold a'Shining in Your Hairdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Oh pardon me, but have you seen
    the much, much better part of me?
    I had it when we parted, see,
    but now it moves elusively.

    The last I saw, it lingered near
    the gold a'shining in your hair,
    but then it flickered faintly there
    and I observed it dissapear.

    Observed it there,
    it dissapeared.

    Before then, it was hiding deep
    inside your dreaming while you'd sleep.
    And I made notes (and those I'll keep),
    to determine wherein he'd creep.

    I noticed this when you'd awake,
    and retell dreams of wondrous scape,
    the likes which ne'er 'fore would skate
    within your thoughts (lest I mistake).

    Wondrous scape,
    lest I mistake?

    And if I think much deeper still,
    for in my findings, they do tell,
    of where this most elusive fell,
    and where then he must reside still.

    Oh, pardon me, but I've just seen
    the much, much better part of me,
    it seems that ne'er parted, we;
    that he still holds a place you see.

    The best of me,
    in you I see.




    Submitted on 2007-10-06 14:03:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked this. It feels very sing-song. It gives it kind of a ...whimsical? element to it. I also give you serious credit for writing a love poem that wasn't completely cliché.

    There are a couple places where there are minor flow laspses, but I think most of those actually add expression to the piece. I think when you don't have to adjust your reading a little bit to make it flow, poetry tends to feel a bit square.

    "but then it flicked faintly there"

    I admit that line was a bit awkward, however. Maybe replace flicked with flickered?

    This was good. I might add it to my favorites.

    Kudos, keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2007-10-07 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]
      The rhyming and meter is well-done, but not perfect. There are several verses with lines that break the perfect 8 pattern (first line in the first verse iss only seven, as is the third line in the second verse; the third line in the fifth verse iss nine)

    The first can be edited with an interjection of "oh" almost anywhere in the line; the second, 'flicked' could become 'flickered' (which would also suit the verse itself better, as something that flickers is something that is there and then gone). The third, since you're already condensing "before" to simply 'fore, you could do the same with "never" to make it ne'er.

    --

    As to the content of the poem, I think it works well. As the nature of rhyme often makes for some awkward lines, like having the wondrous landscapes "skate" through one's mind.

    "I find my findings" seems redundant. "For in" could replace the beginning of this line for slightly more variety.

    Other than that, good show.
    | Posted on 2007-10-06 00:00:00 | by secretpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not a great fan of rhyming, but there are certain exceptions. This one passes through.

    I love the image, actually. Where did you find it? Who is the artist?

    It feels more as if you've just met the spark- this first time encounter, or you've just realized the emotions for her in you. Maybe the whole meaning for the word "elusive" is the mysterious connotation. Attracted to the unknown.

    Or, it can be you have lost this woman, and long for her to return. She consumed the most of you.

    I believe it necessary to capitilize where appropriate.

    Very intriguing poem. Reminds me of Robert Burns.
    | Posted on 2007-10-06 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]


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