[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Gold a'Shining in Your Hairdots

    Author: Sheakhan
    ASL Info:    25/M/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 175/197/89
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1041
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1233


    i like it, but it's not quite there.

    anyhow, give me anything, thoughts, review, bash it, or just tell me something.

    p.s. i love you malia.

    p.s. edited October 6th, 2007 as per JF's kind suggestions.

    and again Oct. 9th, 2007 as per stuff.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Gold a'Shining in Your Hairdots

    Oh pardon me, but have you seen
    the much, much better part of me?
    I had it when we parted, see,
    but now it moves elusively.

    The last I saw, it lingered near
    the gold a'shining in your hair,
    but then it flickered faintly there
    and I observed it dissapear.

    Observed it there,
    it dissapeared.

    Before then, it was hiding deep
    inside your dreaming while you'd sleep.
    And I made notes (and those I'll keep),
    to determine wherein he'd creep.

    I noticed this when you'd awake,
    and retell dreams of wondrous scape,
    the likes which ne'er 'fore would skate
    within your thoughts (lest I mistake).

    Wondrous scape,
    lest I mistake?

    And if I think much deeper still,
    for in my findings, they do tell,
    of where this most elusive fell,
    and where then he must reside still.

    Oh, pardon me, but I've just seen
    the much, much better part of me,
    it seems that ne'er parted, we;
    that he still holds a place you see.

    The best of me,
    in you I see.

    Submitted on 2007-10-06 14:03:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked this. It feels very sing-song. It gives it kind of a ...whimsical? element to it. I also give you serious credit for writing a love poem that wasn't completely cliché.

    There are a couple places where there are minor flow laspses, but I think most of those actually add expression to the piece. I think when you don't have to adjust your reading a little bit to make it flow, poetry tends to feel a bit square.

    "but then it flicked faintly there"

    I admit that line was a bit awkward, however. Maybe replace flicked with flickered?

    This was good. I might add it to my favorites.

    Kudos, keep writing
    | Posted on 2007-10-07 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]
      The rhyming and meter is well-done, but not perfect. There are several verses with lines that break the perfect 8 pattern (first line in the first verse iss only seven, as is the third line in the second verse; the third line in the fifth verse iss nine)

    The first can be edited with an interjection of "oh" almost anywhere in the line; the second, 'flicked' could become 'flickered' (which would also suit the verse itself better, as something that flickers is something that is there and then gone). The third, since you're already condensing "before" to simply 'fore, you could do the same with "never" to make it ne'er.


    As to the content of the poem, I think it works well. As the nature of rhyme often makes for some awkward lines, like having the wondrous landscapes "skate" through one's mind.

    "I find my findings" seems redundant. "For in" could replace the beginning of this line for slightly more variety.

    Other than that, good show.
    | Posted on 2007-10-06 00:00:00 | by secretpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not a great fan of rhyming, but there are certain exceptions. This one passes through.

    I love the image, actually. Where did you find it? Who is the artist?

    It feels more as if you've just met the spark- this first time encounter, or you've just realized the emotions for her in you. Maybe the whole meaning for the word "elusive" is the mysterious connotation. Attracted to the unknown.

    Or, it can be you have lost this woman, and long for her to return. She consumed the most of you.

    I believe it necessary to capitilize where appropriate.

    Very intriguing poem. Reminds me of Robert Burns.
    | Posted on 2007-10-06 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Once Again written by krs3332003
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Linger written by saartha
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    To written by SavedDragon
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    This written by Chelebel
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]