Smile Forever Through by the heartless

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Smile Forever Through dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	the heartless
ASL Info:	15/male/LA
Elite Ratio:	3.46 - 24/68/43
Words:	172

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	117
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1031

Description:

Smile Forever Through dots

-------------------------------------------

You hear so many people talking about the world's mistakes
Well, I am here to say, fix it, do what it takes
It takes a smile, a soft feeling of the need to joy
Don’t take life for grant; don’t treat it like a toy

Take life and hold it dear
Don’t let go at any moment
Always hold on for that one more smile

This world should be in harmony
No war, like Gettysburg or Normandy
We should lend a hand to all
Help them up when they fall

Take each like your love
Don’t cast them as your enemies
Always hold each person dear to you

Even if they hate who you are
It only takes kindness to end the war
Each and everyone deserves your attention
And you, in return, will be given ascension

Ascension to a land of peace
Ascension to a world of cheer
Ascension to what our world should be

What it can be, only if you
Smile Forever Through

Submitted on 2007-10-06 15:49:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Wow.

First sentence and I am already detecting flaws and boredom.

First, throwing off an empathetic line or two is fun and dandy and all, but if you do it with the errors you have presented, people are going to IGNORE everything else you probably have to say in the piece.

"Your" does not make any sense at all with this, nor does "talk" having an "ing" suffix or skipping out on the apostrophe in "world's".

Good for you, though, I'm going to stop commenting about your grammar issues because there is no point in me trying to help you with that as you should already be aware of such things. If you are not, that's your own damn fault.

Just to end it off, though, for laughs, I've never heard of joy being used like that before. "To joy". Wow, the error is extremely OBVIOUS.

On a depth note, It sounds like a cheap Whitney Houston song.

For punctuation sakes, there's much to be done. Where's the periods? Are they gone now because you felt like they shouldn't be there?

If I were to read this out loud, it would sound clunky and flowy since none of the sentence endings are indicated.

Also, why did you use that ARCHAIC, horrible I'm-going-go-capitalize-every-first-word-of-every-line crap?

Poetry is WAY past that now. Without "proper" capitalization, you're just making pointless emphasis on words that have no point in being emphasized.

Now, as for the content of the poem:

Since when, at any time, has Gettysburg been called a war? It was a battle. Get your facts straight.

Also, to me, it sounds forced there. You try to use Normandy as an excuse to follow your rhyme scheme with "harmony" and you fail at doing it. "Normandy" does not rhyme with "Harmony".

There are other spots like this too. "Are" doesn't rhyme with "war". Be consistent or just don't use the damn scheme. As for the rest of the rhymes, they sound weak. You use words that most fifth graders would use when they first start out. It's time to move on, ja?

Your imagery is not weak, it's not even there. You have none whatsoever. Do you know what that accomplishes? NOTHING.

You need imagery to strengthen your message. If you don't then you're going to have to rely on something else to and if you don't even do that, you're going to make something [censored]ty. Since you're talking about war, you should probably use more war imagery in order to strengthen it.

Where's the poetic devices? Sure, you use two extremely COMMON ones in such a way that it digresses the poem but what about the other things you can do? You're limiting yourself.

So, what does this all add up to in the end?

This is a piece of unemotional, error-whored dribble that lives only by its rhyme and whose message diminishes because of it.

Now, I wish that all the countries would war and kill each other. It would be a bunch funner to hear about than read this piece of hippy trash.

| Posted on 2007-10-14 00:00:00 | by Skyhawk | [ Reply to This ]
I'm sorry, but I'm sick and confused and can't get past the word "Threw."

So, I have to ask...did you mean "through?"

Cause I don't understand how the other spelling of it works.

But, like I said, I am sick.

Tell me if I'm wrong or not, please.
| Posted on 2007-10-08 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.