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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dominodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EbonyBlood
    ASL Info:    14/F/Can.
    Elite Ratio:    3.7 - 79/79/73
    Words: 496
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 1074
    Average Vote:    2.0000
    Bytes: 2976



    Description:
       It's a bit different from the original. Maybe I'll post the original too, then people can compare which beginning is better, and whether it should be First or Third person view. We'll find out some time this week now won't we. Now, I'm going to bed, with this off my mind. (Corrected.)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDominodots
    -------------------------------------------


    My name is Domino. Well, actually it's my nickname. Domino.

    My mother always said I had a talent for setting up dominoes, anywhere, anytime. I live alone now. My mother is dead, as is my father. I never had siblings. I only have a friend named Larry. He doesn't like his name; he says it's a dumb common name.

    Larry isn't really a close friend, I don't like him too much, and I only call him my friend because he keeps reminding me of his concern for me. I don't know who else would like either, he's my shrink after all. We will keep that between you, my drawings and myself. He never has to know

    It's 12:00 a.m. Early, I guess, but I've gotten an idea for a drawing. Maybe a portrait of Larry, but not as he is now. Perhaps as a bus driver, or some other mundane thing.
    Larry will call soon. He always does since he knows that I wake up at twelve every morning to sketch and paint. He never talks long. Just enough to check on me.
    I don't know why, but they think I'm insane. It's totally stupid. My drawings agree with me, they always do. They are the only ones who understand what it's like for me

    My apartment is a mess, Larry says. I don't care, I like it that way. My drawings do as well.
    The phone is ringing. It's Larry, if I don't pick up now, he'll send the police over later.

    The phone rings and I know it has to be Larry. I'm afraid if I don't answer now he will send the police over later, so I have to pick up.
    'Hello?'
    'Domino, it's Larry. How are you feeling?'
    ' Of course I'm fine, isn't that right kitty?' I looked down at my drawing, a cat with Larry's head. I rubbed my finger over it's tummy and imagined it purring up at me.
    'Domino, do you want to tell me who Kitty is?'
    'My newest drawing. Do you want to come see him later?'
    'I'll come over if you will clean up.....'
    'I don't want to clean up for you Larry, I'd rather you just didn't come over at all.'
    'Don't change your mind Dom.'
    'You can't decide for me Larry, Kitty says the mess is fine! Everyone else agrees, why can't you!?'
    I began to weep, Larry has this way of causing me horrible mood swings.
    'I'm going to go Larry.'
    'Before you go, have you been going outside more-'
    I hung up. I hate talking to Larry, I wish he would just disappear.

    Kitty's head has been erased. It's now the head of my mother. She was beautiful. I'm sure she is now. I could go check, but I don't want to go outside.

    Plus, Larry would be angry if I dug up my mother's grave. Again.





    Submitted on 2007-10-07 20:57:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      "No one can here them but me"
    "hear" is to hear, as in voices
    "here" is for they are here


    "My name is Domino, No, not really...That is..my nickname. Domino"
    Bad sentence structure. The grammar and puntuation is way off, and it's stilted, like a psychophantic stutter.
    try:
    "My name is Domino. Well, actually it's my nickname. Domino"
    The repetitive elipses and capitalization with the commas wouyld give my english teacher a heart attack.


    "My mother always said, I had a talent for setting up dominoes, anywhere, anytime. I live alone now. My mother is dead. As is my father. I never had siblings. I only have a friend named Larry. A dumb common name; he doesn't like it. "
    The first sentence is totally unrelated in topic to the rest of the paragragh and it needs a better seguay if you are going to put them together. Also, the comma in the first sentence is uneeded and breaks it up in a funny way - it doesnt sound right. The rest of the sentences are really short and choppy. It can make a reader lose interest or get bored of trying to read that.
    Revised: "My mother always said I had a talent for setting up dominoes, anywhere, anytime.
    I live alone now. Mother is dead, as is my father. I never had siblings. All I have is a friend named Larry. He doesn't like it, he thinks it's a dumb common name."


    "Larry isn't a close friend, I don't like him. Though who would, he is my psychotherapist. Sadly. I only say he is my friend, because he constantly repeats his care for me. Though, I rather dislike him. But, we'll keep it between you, my drawings and I. He'll never have to know. "
    Ok. Well.
    Revised: "Larry isn't really a close friend, I don't like him too much, and I only call him my friend because he keeps reminding me of his concern for me. I don't know who else would like either, he's my shrink after all. We will keep that between you, my drawings and myself. He never has to know."
    repetition does not equal better. it equals repitition and in a piece like this you don't have to grind things into the reader. just take your time, try and be clear as you can and let the words flow. Don't force them. It is perfectly acceptable, and a little easier to say when you say my self instead of I


    "It's 12am. Early. I guess, I've had a thought about a picture, maybe drawing Larry..differently though. As though he is..a bus driver, or..something else stupid. Well, it's not stupid, it's a living.
    Larry will call soon, he knows I wake up at 12am almost every morning to draw, or paint. Larry wakes up around this time..for only a few minutes to 'check' in on me.
    They suggest I'm insane! I thought, it was a stupid thought. My drawings think so as well. No one can here them but me, but my drawings speak to me. They are the only ones who understand what it's like. "
    Revised:
    "It's 12:00 a.m. Early, I guess, but I've gotten an idea for a drawing. Maybe a portrait of Larry, but not as he is now. Perhaps as a bus driver, or some other mundane thing.
    Larry will call soon. He always does since he knows that I wake up at twelve every morning to sketch and paint. He never talks long. Just enought to check on me.
    I don't know why, but they think I'm insane. It's totally ludicrous. My drawings agree with me, they always do. They are the only ones who understand what it's like for me."
    You do not have to explain that the drawing talk, because then it sounds like you are trying too hard to sell this idea. Just plant the thought in their head, let the readers mull it over until the paranoia hits them and they are dreaming of a quiet and thin little girl dressed all in black lurking in the shadows, murmuring to her paintings, which can just barely be heard to reply.


    "My apartment is a mess, Larry says. I don't care, I like it that way. My drawings do as well.
    The phone is ringing. It's Larry, if I don't pick up now, he'll send the police over later. ( this first paragragh is mostly unessecary and takes away from the story, it's a rabbit hole and if you keep skipping around on topics then the audience will very quickly lose interest)

    "Hello?"
    "Hi, Domino, it's Larry."
    "Hi."
    "Are you OK? Feeling alright?"
    "I'm fine. I'll always be fine, won't I little kitty?"
    "Domino, who's kitty?"
    "My newest drawing. Of you, with a cat body, and your head. He's quite cute you know, you should come by and see him later."
    "Domino, I'll come by if you clean up."
    "I'm not cleaning. I'd rather be dirty, than have you come over anyway."
    "Don't be rude Dom."
    "Who's rude? Not me. I think you're rude Larry! Why do you always call me!? This is a HORRIBLE time to call!"
    "Were you awake Dom? Please calm down, do want me to send them over."
    About then, I began to weep as usual. Larry has this power to cause me happiness, anger, then sadness all in one go. Usually over the phone.
    "I'm hanging up Larry. I don't want to talk anymore."
    "Before you go, Are you going outside more-"
    I hung up. "
    Revised:
    "The phone rings and I know it has to be Larry. I'm afraid if I don't answer now he will send the police over later, so I have to pick up.
    'Hello?'
    'Domino, it's Larry. How are you feeling?'
    ' Of course I'm fine, isn't that right kitty?' I looked down at my drawing, a cat with Larry's head. I rubbed my finger over it's tummy and imagined it purring up at me.
    'Domino, do you want to tell me who Kitty is?'
    'My newest drawing. Do you want to come see him later?'
    'I'll come over if you will clean up....."


    I think this still needs a lot of work. I hope that you do really well. The best of luck with your story. Please do not take what i said too harshly, I just know that it sometimes takes a fresh unbiased perspective to see mistakes and imperfections in a piece like this.
    I really do think you have a wonderful imagination and the idea for this is straight out of stephen king.
    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-10-09 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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